Kingudamu Hatsu (Kingdom Hearts Parody)
by Not Ienzo
Summary: What would you do if you were the main character of a jrpg? Meet Sora, a 14 year old Disney and Squaresoft fanboy who (or some reason) is chosen to be the main character in the crossover of his dreams. With the Kiburado in his hand, and Dolan and Gooby on his side, will he ever find his friend...and that other girl? Will he ever find out what Kingudamu Hatsu is? Find out now!
1. Episode 1 - Dive into Window Art

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or it's characters. Please support the official release.**

Once upon a time, when Squaresoft was still a thing, and things were still simple and clean, there was a boy. A boy randomly floating in Light-knows-where. He probably took way too much LSD. That would explain at least 90% of what was about to come.

He opened his eyes, thus starting his deep philosophical narration that would make the audience question their own existence and the meaning of life.

"...Does anyone have any ice cream? I'm kinda hungry."

Truly a deep and thought provoking line right there.

But then he realised something...Sora being the jrpg obsessed maniac he was, he realised that having weird LSD trips automatically means that you're the main character of a jrpg! So he was the MC of a cool new game!

As he started falling, he ended up on the beach, with jpop music of all things playing in the background. Sora was confused, but at the same time, excited.

The young girl known as Kairi however, was not excited. She looked terrified and once she reached Sora she was completely out of breath.

"Kairi! I have great news! I'm the new main…"

"IT'S RAINING SORAS."

"What?!"

"I SAID IT'S *bleep* RAINING SORAS. LOOK, UP THERE!"

She pointed up at the sky when she realised that she was right. There were literally billions of Soras falling out of the sky, and the island was caught on fire with random Micheal Bay explosions in the background and people screaming "My leg!"

"Oh my, there's so many me's! Maybe I could be friends with-"

"FOR LIGHT'S SAKE JUST RUN!"

And so, they ran. With billions of Sora's raining down and destroying everything like meteors, they didn't really have anywhere to run though. Sora was just wondering what meeting someone's father had to do with any of this. He also wondered what a father actually was.

"Sora!" someone screamed from the distance.

Sora glanced at the person screaming, it was...Rikku? I mean, it was...Riku? He was standing in the water behind a tidal wave, looking rather cool and edgy, but less so since he was clearly in distress.

"Sora, there's no time, take my hand! We must drown here together!"

"But…"

"WE MUST ACCEPT THE WATER IN OUR HEARTS!"

"Never!"

"It's the only way Sora!"

Before he could drown in the impending tidal wave, a Sora fell on him, killing him.

"No! Riku!" he ran towards his now deceased best friend, screaming his name with emphasis on all the exclamation marks, but before he could reach him, a strong hand grabbed his arm.

"Forget about him! Save me instead you idiot!" Kairi demanded.

"But...Riku…"

However, before she could say a word, another Sora fell on her, killing her. She was dead, covered in blood with a fallen Sora on top of her. Completely lifeless. Dead. Deceased. Kicked the bucket. Gone forever.

"Riku...I miss you so much…"

He then realised that he was falling too, from the ground into...the water…or something? He then opened his eyes, because he could apparently breathe underwater. Wow, he really must be the main character!

He then landed on something, with birds clearing the way (because everyone knows that birds can swim and breathe underwater. Common knowledge) to show him what it was. He didn't look down at the ground for some reason, but it was basically window art of Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

…

Sora looked around. This was nothing new for him, having insane dreams like this, it comes with the territory of being a jrpg main character.

And suddenly, a floating text appeared from Light-knows-where.

"So much to do, so little time."

"Don't be afraid."

"The door is still shut."

Sora, understandably, was a little confused.

"Umm...who are you exactly? I don't know who you are. Wanna be friends?" he asked happily with his trademark grin on his face.

Suddenly, the text sighed reaaaally loudly.

"Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. It has been more than a DECADE since the game has been released. Do you even READ the Ultimania?"

"...What?"

The text sighed louder.

"Whatever. Anyway, use the left stick to walk. Can you do that kid?"

Sora started to walk, and he couldn't help but cheer as he did so.

"Thank you so much Mr Floating Text Man! I don't think I could have walked without your help!"

As he started to walk, he couldn't help but realise something…

"Oh god, I don't know how to run!"

"You do realise that there's literally a huge black box of text on the upper left corner telling you what to do, right?"

"Ahh, I see it now!"

He did as the box said, and a minute later he learnt how to run.

"Yay, I did it!"

"...You're never gonna survive Proud Mode kid. Anyway…*ahem*, power sleeps within you."

Three pedestals started to appear, one with a cool sword, another with a lame shield, and another with an even more lame staff. Seriously, they looked dumb.

"If you give it form. It will give you strength. Or defense. Or magic if you actually end up using it for literally anything OTHER than Cure."

"Ipickthesword," Sora stated without an ounce of thought put into it.

"You should probably think more deeply about this…"

"The sword."

"I mean, this affects the rest of the game and the staff or shield might be more useful..."

"THE SWORD, MR FLOATING TEXT MAN."

"Alright alright no need to be a whiny bitch. Get the sword, geez…"

"Yay, now I can stab stuff with it!" he said, with waaay too much glee in his voice. He picked up as he somehow jumped up on the pedestal.

"Your path is set. Now you have to give up a power too."

"But...why?"

"Because I said so. Now what'll it be kid?"

"Can't I just have all of them? After all, I'm the chosen one, and the main character! Shouldn't I have all of them since I'm so special and awesome?"

Sora began to make puppy dog eyes, and dammit not even floating text can resist that.

"*sigh* Fine. Shame you picked the sword, because if you hadn't I could have stabbed you in the fucking heart."

"Yaaaay!" Sora cheered.

A light began to shine within Sora's heart.

"You've chosen the power of the warrior. You've given up...ahh fuck this I'm just gonna kill you."

"Wait wha-"

And with that, the window art beneath him began to collapse, and he fell onto the next one. It had Cinderella with...black hair? Sora was suddenly very triggered upon seeing this. Like seriously, why was her hair black? Just...WHY?!

He fell gracefully on the ground thanks to his epic main character powers, and not a scratch was on his body. Mostly because the PS2 couldn't emulate physical injuries.

"Shit. You're still here."

"Even though you just tried to kill me I think we can still be friends!"

"Ha! Fuck no. Just kill this thing instead."

Suddenly, a creature of pure darkness began to materialize from the depths of the abyss.

And it. Was. Adorable.

It's cute little antennae and it's adorable buggy eyes. Sora loved it and wanted to keep it as a pet.

He lunged towards it and hugged it tightly in his arms.

"Awww you're so cute!"

The Shadow showed resilience at first, but eventually it enjoyed Sora's comfort and started purring like a cat.

Sora eagerly snuggled it and treated it like an adorable pet. The text was not amused.

"WhosalittlecutiepieyouareyesyouareandIloveyouso-"

"Sora."

"You'resuchanadorablelittle-"

"Sora…"

"I think I'll call you...Friend!"

"SORA!"

"Yes Mr Floating Text Man?"

"Ugh, KILL THE DAMN THING ALREADY."

"Wait...what?"

Tears immediately started to fall down Sora's eyes.

"N-no, I won't let you! He's my friend and I love him!"

"C'mon kid, just do it!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"Ok."

Sora's Dream Sword materialized into his hand. He didn't want to kill Friend, but...he had no choice. After all, Mr Floating Text Man told him to do it.

Friend looked at Sora with sad eyes, which practically screamed please don't hurt me I'm your friend.

Sora looked at him, feeling depressed knowing that he'd have to kill his friend.

And so...the sword came into contact with the creature of darkness, killing him, and releasing a few little green balls.

"No...I'm sorry, Friend…" Sora lamented. The sadness of him killing his friend was getting to him, and he ended up questioning whether he was a good person or not.

"Ugh, enough with all the emotional shit. Like, can we just move along with the story? Kill these guys and we can continue."

More Shadows appeared from the...umm, shadows.

"But...but…"

"*groan* Alright, look at it this way kid...you're the main character right?"

"Yes yes I am I'm the main character!" Sora stated, waving his arms frantically.

"Well, these are the bad guys."

Sora gasped.

"Bad guys?"

"Yes, the bad guys. You know what you need to do right?"

Sora drew his cool sword, ready to kill.

"MERCILESSLY DESTROY WITHOUT MERCY OR REMORSE!"

Mr Floating Text Man chuckled.

"Exactly."

And so, Sora mercilessly destroyed them without mercy or remorse.

"I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER, DESTROYER OF ALL EVIL, AND I WILL SAVE THE PRINCESS FROM THE METROIDS IN DRACULA'S CASTLE WITH THE SEVEN CHAOS EMERALDS, AND I WILL-" Sora shrieked with determination.

"Sheesh, where do Squaresoft get these idiots from?" Mr Floating Text Man asked himself as Sora continued rambling while killing Shadows.

"-I WANNA BE, THE VERY BEST, LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS~"

And so, Sora and Mr Floating Text Man continued venturing in the Station of Window Art. After falling into the darkness while screaming like a little girl, and struggling with even the simplest instructions, Sora ended up on a beach. But he had no idea where it was because the game hadn't told him yet.

"Hold on. The door won't open just yet."

"FIrst, tell me more about yourself."

"Well my name is Sora not sure what my last name is I'm 14 years old I love Disney movies and Final Fantasy games and I love friends because friendship is the greatest thing ever in the entire universe and world and-"

The text sighed as he kept listening to Sora's nonsensical rambling. Once he finally stopped he looked around his surroundings and he immediately started to fangasm.

It was Tidus from Final Fantasy X, the one that no one liked! And Wakka who was also from Final Fantasy X, the one that no one liked! And Selphie...wait what Final Fantasy game was she from?

They asked him a bunch of weird questions, which Sora answered randomly since he was sure that they wouldn't affect his journey later on.

"The day you will open the door is both far off and very near. It'll probably take you around 30 to 40 hours. Or a few chapters."

"...What?"

"...*sigh* I take it back. It'll be really far off kid."

Anyway, everything turned white instead of fading to black, and Sora ended up on the highest pillar of the Station of Window Art. Sora looked around, realizing there was nowhere to go. Thankfully Mr Floating Text Man was there, being vague and mysterious as always which Sora found to be really helpful

"The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes."

Sora looked behind him, and he saw his shadow spontaneously convulse, coming to life...Sora wondered if he could make friends with it somehow.

"But don't be afraid."

"Why would I be afraid? It's just me," Sora asked innocently.

The shadow then grew...and grew...until it transformed into a hideous monster wrapped in tentacles and glowing yellow eyes. Not only that, but Sora noticed that there was a gaping hole shaped like a heart on his belly, maybe that was where his intestines were meant to be?

"*smirks* That's why."

And afraid, Sora was indeed. Seriously, it was so...big. And since Sora didn't know what hentai was he couldn't joke about "seeing where this was going."

"And don't forget…"

…

…

Sora looked up at the nonexistent sky, confused.

"Don't forget what?"

"...*groan*"

He realized that he had more to worry about than the floating text being extremely vague.

He drew his sword, ready to fight this hideous tentacle monster. He was terrified and he knew that this would be a challenging fight that would require all of his skill to defeat.

...At least, that's what he thought.

Until Darkside simply died in one hit.

"Wow, I expected something much harder," Sora commented.

Sora then realized he was falling into the depths of darkness, which for some reason were purple.

"B-but hey! I won the fight! This isn't faiiiir! I'm the main character!"

"Pfft, you think games are meant to be fair? Scrub."

"I-I thought we were friends! Don't leave me here!" Sora cried.

"You're not dying kid. You're waking up from your dream."

"Huh?" Sora asked intelligently.

"But what if...this isn't a dream? What if this is all just a shitty parody of a popular video game series?"

"But...that's ridiculous!"

"I can't deny that. Now rise and shine sleepyhead."

…

So yeah, no one said that being the main character of a jrpg would be easy.

I wonder how long it'll take for Sora to realize that.


	2. Episode 2 - Escaping your Deathstiny

Sora then opened his eyes.

He looked up at the beautiful blue sky in all it's PS2-esque glory, as he yawned in a cartoonish fashion. Sora was content.

He then saw his friend...what was her name? Oh right, it was Kairi.

She was not content.

"Whoa!"

For that remark Sora received a bitch slap from her. Nothing unusual. In fact, Sora was surprised that she didn't do it harder.

"Sora! Why the *bleep* are you napping on the job?"

"G-Gimme a break Kairi!"

"*bleep* No! You lazy...uhh...bum!"

Kairi seriously wanted to swear at this lazy and incompetent slacker, but all of her curse words were censored. Legend has it that only the foulest creatures of pure darkness and evil are able to actually swear in this universe.

"I knew that I'd find you here. What do you have to SAY FOR YOURSELF, HUH?"

"I-I was in a dream! It was one of those dreams that only main characters get where they get vague hints about stuff because they're the chosen ones and-"

"FOR *bleeps* SAKE SORA. YOU'RE NOT A MAIN CHARACTER!"

"But-"

"YOU'RE NOT. A. MAIN. CHARACTER."

"But I...I know it was real…"

Kairi just sighed, getting really tired of all his shit.

"Yeah, sure."

Sora immediately tried changing the subject, hoping to calm Kairi down.

"Say Kairi...what was your hometown like? You know, where you grew up."

"Sora…you have asked me that DOZENS OF *bleep* TIMES!"

Sora started to panic a little, as he realized that Kairi was right.

"I just thought that if you talked to an NPC multiple times they'd change their dialogue and-"

Kairi just facepalmed. There was clearly no hope for him.

"Honestly I can't wait until I can just get the *bleep* out of this place. Then I'll get better slaves and I won't have to deal with you losers anymore."

"Trust me, we all want that more than anyone," they both heard someone say in the background.

They turned around and they both looked at the sexy bishonen boy behind them. The heartthrob of Destiny Islands, the hot and angsty emo kid, and Sora's rival/love interest who totally wouldn't betray him and try to kill him later.

Kairi did not take Riku's comment well...at all.

"WHAT THE *bleep* DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!"

"What everyone thinks. Seriously, literally no one likes you."

"I like you Ka-"

"SHUT UP SORA," Kairi demanded.

Riku's face became fierce, almost as bad as that of Kairi.

"Don't you tell him to shut up."

"WHY THE *bleep* NOT? SO I HAVE TO *bleep* KISS THE SO-CALLED 'MAIN CHARACTER'S' *bleep* NOW?"

"No, and thank the Light we don't have to kiss yours."

"SHUT UP I AM RELEVANT OK."

"Keep telling yourself that."

That was the last straw, Kairi got out her chainsaw. That was enough to terrify both Sora and Riku, and they both ran in fear in the hope that Kairi doesn't literally slice them into a bajillion pieces.

Sora was a little less scared though since he knew that the limited PS2 graphics couldn't properly do something like that, but he didn't want to risk it.

Sora smiled as he ran for his life with his best friend Riku. _I'm so glad we're all friends. I hope we stay like this forever~_

"Sora, hurry!"

"WHY WON'T YOU BOTH JUST *bleep* DIE ALREADY!"

…

After Sora had to collect stuff (which was hard for him because of his bad short term memory), he also found the other kids who lived on the island like Tidus and Wakka, who were also two of Kairi's slaves. Because they coincidentally looked like those characters from FFX, and they had the same name as them, Sora automatically assumed that those were the _real_ characters from FFX. And thus, they were subjected to his fangasming and groping.

Selphie didn't get any of this treatment though which made her feel left out.

All of this made Riku a little...concerned for Sora.

Well, concerned was the understatement of the century.

Sora seemed to have this... _problem_ where he believed that this is all just one big jrpg and he's the main character who will save the world from darkness, or something. There weren't any hospitals here to cure Sora so all he really had was Riku to try and gradually bring him back to reality.

Kairi's existence didn't help much though. They were basically her slaves. That is, when they weren't having their lives threatened.

Well...not for long.

…

Kairi had finally calmed down, and the three of them were sitting by their oddly shaped tree. Riku didn't sit though, he wanted to make sure he looked cool for the fans. He also wanted to get a head start in case Kairi tried to stab him again.

There was a very awkward silence though. Kairi was so busy enslaving these two poor boys, who were always trying to escape their life of servitude and attempted murder, that the three never really had the chance to make small talk. Riku just wished he could spend more time with Sora alone. And Sora obeyed Kairi because he always saw her as an NPC asking him to do quests for her. She never actually gave him or Riku anything in return though, and Sora didn't mind because he wanted to complete everything in this "game".

No one was safe from Kairi's wrath, everyone on the island was basically her bitch. But for some reason she loved to torture Sora and Riku especially. Sora was an easy target being the mentally ill kid and all, and Riku acted all tough on the outside but on the inside he was also just another pawn in her sick and twisted game.

Kairi looked at both of them angrily. They were way too relaxed, she couldn't have that.

"Are you both done with the raft yet?"

"We would have finished ages ago if you hadn't tried to **kill** us," Riku retorted.

Kairi crossed her arms, she hated it when they were both right.

"I think that gave me some experience points!" Sora chimed in happily.

"Sure it did, Sora. Anyway, the raft is almost done, so the three of us will leave the island tomorrow."

"But how far could a raft take us?" Sora asked, and that was actually a pretty good question. Seriously, hadn't they planned all this beforehand?

"Who knows? If we have to, we'll just think of something else."

"I mean, I don't think we could just randomly warp to another world without cheat codes-"

"I swear to Light, if you don't *bleep* stop being a *bleep*, I'll shove a *bleep* chainsaw up your *bleep*"

"What's a bleep?" Sora asked innocently.

"Anyway…" Riku interrupted, ignoring Sora's question. "What happens when we go to another world?" he asked Kairi. He wanted more than anyone to get off this dump and fly with Princess Sora on a magic carpet and show him all the other worlds. And _only_ Sora.

Kairi suddenly had an evil smirk across her face.

"Once we get there, I'll take over of course! I'll make everyone bow down to me, and I'll expand my empire of hot bishonen slaves!"

Riku shuddered. She already took over Destiny Islands and turned it into a concentration camp full of summer fun and relaxation. Who knows what she could do to the other worlds?

"I've always wondered why we're here on this island. And suppose that-"

"Get to the *bleep* point Riku," Kairi demanded.

"Alright, sorry. Anyway...we could have just as easily ended up on another world, right?"

"I dunno," Sora answered intelligently as he proceeded to lay down on the tree branch.

"SIT UP STRAIGHT MAGGOT," Kairi demanded, and he immediately proceeded to do so, saying sorry dozens of times until he calmed down.

Riku tried to resist strangling Kairi as he continued his rambling.

"I for one am really excited to leave."

Even Kairi was somewhat surprised with this.

"Really?"

"Yep."

"You've been thinking a lot lately, haven't you…"

Kairi frowned. She hated it so much when people had free will of any kind, that included being able to think for themselves.

"Yeah, ever since I've had the misfortune of meeting you I've never wanted to get away from someone so much in my entire life. So thank you, Kairi. Without you I wouldn't have thought of any of this."

Sora looked a little scared, knowing first hand what happened when Kairi was provoked by Riku's comments like that.

But Kairi just laughed at this, as if it was were some kind of hilarious joke.

"Ha! As if. You signed the contract, I own both your *bleeps*, got it?"

"Yes mistress Kairi," they both recited in unison.

Kairi smiled, she had raised her slaves decently enough. _But I'm definitely pushing them both off the raft and replacing them with better ones,_ she thought to herself.

Riku frowned, he was tired of him and Sora being her slaves. _I'm definitely pushing her off the magic carpet so I can be with Princess Sora...I mean, I'm definitely pushing her off the raft so I can be with Princess Sora,_ he thought to himself.

Sora gazed up at the sky, and he was a little confused. _Why are we taking a raft when we have three boats on the pier?_ , he thought to himself.

…

As Sora and Riku left to do more manual labour for their mistress, Riku tried getting Sora's attention.

"Hey, Sora!"

He turned around and he got to saw Riku's beauty in all it's majesty. His beautiful white hair, his gorgeous eyes that were full of angst and suffering, his muscular chest...Sora was convinced that Riku was a girl at one point. Then again he also thought that he was a lion-human hybrid with a chainsaw at that time too, so what did he know.

"You wanted one, didn't you?"

Riku then threw him a star shaped fruit, which Sora was unable to pick up so he had to bend over to pick it up. This made Riku chuckle a little.

"A paopu fruit…"

"If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. They'll remain a part of each other's lives no matter what."

Sora stared at the fruit, wondering how much HP of his would be restored if he ate it.

"C'mon, I know want to try it!"

"What are you talking-"

"Isn't there's someone you really want to share that with?" Riku asked.

"Well…"

"Anyone?" Riku asked teasingly, yet with an affectionate smile on his face.

Sora thought hard about this, staring at the paopu fruit in his hand.

"Someone's who's been there with you since the beginning?"

"Hm…"

Riku held out his hand.

"Someone who has always cared for you regardless of all we've been through?"

"Hmmm…"

"Aaaaaaaanyone?" Riku began to feel impatient and he pointed at himself a few times so that Sora would get the message.

Then something in Sora's head clicked.

"Ah! I know who I want to share it with!"

"Really?!"

At this point Riku didn't care about acting tough, he couldn't help but act like a teenage girl who's crush might actually like her. He had a very visible blush on his cheeks, his voice was unusually high, and he swore that he would start squealing if Sora chose him. He was doing everything that he himself hated.

"Yeah! You don't like fruit, so maybe I should give it to Kairi! I know she would like-"

Riku knew what he had to do.

He snatched the fruit away from Sora and stomped on it.

He stomped on it hard.

He then jumped on it.

He then got a flamethrower and burned on it.

He chopped it up with a knife.

He then jumped on it again.

And then, for good measure, he spat on it.

Sora just stared blankly at the fruit's remains while Riku sweatdropped, rubbing the back of his head and chuckling nervously like he didn't assault the innocent piece of fruit.

"Oops...I dropped it."

Sora continued to stare it, staying completely still. This worried Riku, did he really go too far there?

He then started acting cheery as he always did, and Riku sighed in relief.

"C'mon, Riku! Kairi's gonna give us another quest! Hopefully this time we'll get a treasure of some kind! Maybe she'll give us a potion! Or a rare item! Or-"

Riku happily listened to Sora rambling about all his video game jargon. But on the inside, the angst and heartbreak levels kept growing as he stared at his adorable friend and rival.

 _Oh Sora...I hope that we'll never be separated. Never._

…

Meanwhile, in another world...the Disney characters were dealing with a cruel tyrant of their own.

In a giant castle that looked cartoonish and fantastical to the eye...it all seemed like a magical place, but it was all just for show.

On the inside was a prison where it's inhabitants were tortured endlessly by the evil King Mickey.

He was truly a being of pure evil. For example, he never gave his workers **any** ice cream. Not even one! Such madness!

Not only that, but the king made all the hallways and doors waaaay bigger than they needed to be, so people could barely navigate throughout the place. Yes, he's **that** bad.

He was so evil that people called him Suicide Mouse, given the extremely high suicide rate of this castle. Why do think it's always empty?

The weird little creature known as Dolan was terrified of approaching him. He was once the iconic cartoon duck known as Donald Duck, but after being literally useless in almost all aspects, Mickey turned him into a meme, and now he was even more useless than he was before.

He waddled (somehow) across the unnecessarily long hallway, trying to avoid the killer walking brooms Metal Gear style. Thankfully he was so useless and unimportant that they didn't notice him.

Around 6 hours later, Dolan finally reached the throne room. He opened (somehow) the unnecessarily large door, to reveal the throne room...but to reach the throne Dolan had to walk a 9 hour long hallway. Fuck.

"Ur majsty plz chain mi bck I mean…*cough cough* YOUR MAJESTY! PLEASE CH-"

He then (somehow) realized that Mickey wasn't in his throne where he was supposed to be.

*9 hours later*

"Your Majesty!" he screeched.

But there no majesty. Instead, there was Pluto, who gave Dolan the letter. As Dolan took it (somehow) from him, Pluto's eyes turned red, his neck snapped and his head started spinning in a full circle, and he began to recite something.

" _ **HAIL SATAN. DISNEY IS POWER. HAIL SATAN. DISNEY IS POWER. HAIL-"**_

"Cool story bro."

Pluto then whimpered sadly, and returned to the depths of hell from whence he came to torment the souls of the damned.

Dolan then read the letter (somehow), the contents of which really surprised him.

...

 _To: Dolan, Gooby, Walt Disney, and Satan_

 _Going to sell hot dogs._

 _Remember to keep your munny in your pants._

 _From: Mickey_

…

Dolan was shocked.

You couldn't tell though because his face is constantly the same and he can't move it at all.

Dolan had many, **many** questions regarding this letter, but the first thing that came to mind was:

 _What are pants?_


	3. Episode 3 - Turn to the Darkside

After 10 hours of wandering around the hallways (seriously why must Mickey be such an asshat), the sad little creature known as Dolan finally made it to his co-worker, Gooby.

He was a bastardization of the original Goofy, created by Mickey in his evil laboratory after Goofy died soon after he graduated.

His appearance...well...it was terrifying. It was truly a hideous creature, one that sends both fear and humor in the hearts of man. Like his friend Dolan, he was what was called a meme. Mickey wanted Disney to be more relevant so him and Satan both decided to profit off of these memes. Unfortunately that meant subjecting Dolan and Gooby to a tragic existence of literally endless suffering and ridicule.

Gooby was even more idiotic than Dolan (if that were possible), but in his defense, he was a little less useless. Juuuuuust a little.

Gooby had been lying in the empty garden, which was the most common place for the castle residents to commit suicide. Now there were barely any left at all. He had been lying there for around a week and no one noticed.

As for what Gooby was doing, he was questioning the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Dark and depressing thoughts that would lead any sane person to insanity ran through his head constantly. Underneath the emotionless and memetic face that he cannot move whatsoever, he was suffering internally but he had no idea how to express it. He knew so much...far too much. After what he has seen through his tragic life, one has to wonder why he doesn't live amongst the corpses as another poor resident who committed suicide under Mickey's tyranny. If only someone else could see the world the way Gooby did, because he could sense the universe descending into entropy. He was like a god watching over his creation. But no one would ever know. No one would ever know. No one would ever know the tragedy of Gooby-

"WAKE UP GOOBY! WAKE UP!"

"Dolan plz. I has ben awak sht da fk app. I mean...*cough cough* Gawrsh!"

"Gooby, the king is gone!"

"Daw if only we could have told dem folks dat before they killed themselves."

"That's not important! Gooby...what are _pants_?" Dolan asked his companion desperately.

"Pants?"

"Yes, pants."

"Yuck yuck, I think dey may be dem things that girls take off during the hubba hubba."

"We should ask Daisy and Minnie."

"But Dolan, the King used dem in dat satanic ritual the other day."

They both looked to their right and they saw Queen Minnie and Daisy, who had both been hanged, with a giant satanic pentagram underneath them. They both could have swore they heard choirs in the background, and as they did, fire surrounded the pentagram and an evil laugh could be heard in the distance.

"Oh, right."

...

"Sora, you've already lost 98 times! Can't we just do something else?"

" **NO.** I MUST **WIN."**

Since Kairi had (generously, apparently) allowed both Sora and Riku to take a break from working on the raft, Sora and Riku were competing with each other. They both loved each other a lot but they were also somewhat jealous of each other and they both sought to be the better one. But one was good in an area that the other one wasn't. Sora was a master at jrpg's while Riku was a filthy fucking casual. Riku was a brilliant athlete while Sora couldn't even open a water bottle.

And Sora, in all duels against Riku, lost. Badly.

But Sora does not take losing well at all. He's like one of those gamers that get really mad after trying to beat the boss over and over again, and they're so close to ragequitting but they don't because they're determined to beat the living shit out of it even if it meant sacrificing food or sleep.

They were both competing in a race to decide what the raft would be killed. Sora wanted RKS Legacy and Riku wanted the Rikunator. …He wasn't the best when it came to names.

But that information was irrelevant now.

Right now the score was 98 to Riku and 0 to Sora. Sora blamed his losses on the "shitty platforming" that this game apparently had. Both of them knew that that wasn't true though. When Sora is unable to succeed at a game no matter how hard he tries, he literally goes berserk. Right now his eyes were red, he was breathing heavily and growling, and Riku was worried that Sora would start foaming out of his mouth like he had rabies.

"You know…Sora…we can just call the raft the RKS Legacy if you want…" Riku calmly suggested to Sora, trying to get him to chill.

 **"NO, I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I BEAT YOU!"**

In the few instances where Sora turned into this, he was honestly terrifying. It was like a demon had possessed him. Or millions of angry gamers had nested inside his head for the winter.

"But Sora…if we don't start working again, Kairi will…"

" **WHO THE BLEEP IS KAIRI?"** he screamed desperately at Riku.

"Never mind."

…

*one obstacle course later*

…

"Yay, I won! I actually beat Riku!" Sora cheered triumphantly despite the fact that he was completely exhausted.

Riku chuckled, panting a little.

"You sure did, Sora."

"I guess that now that I've won we're calling the raft RKS Legacy, hmmm?" Sora teased.

Riku just shrugged.

"Eh, whatever. It's just a name."

Is was that moment that it finally happened.

The thing that Riku had been waiting for.

 ** _The pout._**

To Riku, Sora's pout was literally one of the most adorable things to ever exist. He loved it when Sora did it, it was just so…cute, and… _cute_. To Riku, it was irresistible.

He literally couldn't help but pinch and squeeze Sora's cheeks playfully, which caused Sora to burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"C-cut it out Riku!" he said in-between laughs.

"I can't help it, you're just too cute!" Riku repiied, who was also starting to laugh a little.

As they were both having fun with each and not being homosexual in any way, Riku started to feel a little better after the events that happened yesterday, being in Sora's presence just generally made him happy.

 _I really hope we'll never be separated from each other_ , Riku thought to himself. _I just hope that nothing would happen that would lead us to becoming enemies. Ah well, surely nothing like that would happen._

…

While Sora was fulfilling his duties to Kairi by collecting the provisions necessary for the journey to Light knows where, he ended up at the not so Secret Place, a cave with a magical door of magical properties that can't be opened. No one questioned what it was or why it was there. It was just…there. Because yes.

Sora looked at the carvings he was forced to make by Kairi when he was a child. It was a Sora head and a Kairi head staring at each other. Sora always saw Kairi as his friend, and that by doing her multiple quests for her which usually involved manual labor or torture, he would be able to 100% complete the jrpg that he was the main character of. Although for some reason, when he thought of Kairi, he felt things like…sadness, discomfort, fear. Why was that…? Kairi was his friend, and an NPC. Main characters were always supposed to do quests for an NPC no matter how much suffering they have to endure, right? It's all for the good of the world, after all.

Yet with Riku…Sora felt like he was more than an NPC. He loved spending time with Riku, but he usually only got to do it when they were both forced into labor by Kairi. Apart from that his only friends were the Disney movies and Final Fantasy games he grew up with. To Sora, Riku was more than just a bunch of 1's and 0's.

Ever since the paopu fruit incident yesterday, Sora had many questions. Why did Riku want to share the paopu fruit with him, when Riku always hated fruit? Maybe it was that thing Riu mentioned about destinies being intertwined…

He placed his oversized hand on the Kairi head he was forced to craft. For some reason he always saw the head as Riku instead of Kairi…maybe it was because of the chalk giving the illusion of white hair? (He wasn't sure what exactly Riku's hair color was though because of the limited PS2 graphics).

Sora then decided to add something to the carving. Now, Sora was now giving Kairi…I mean, Riku, the paopu fruit.

He then sighed, he felt regret for not sharing it with him. He hoped that he didn't hurt Riku, and that it wouldn't eventually lead him to turn to the dark side or something. Sora then smiled as he realized that that would never happen.

Sora then heard something move. Because having something creepy hanging around a cave with a magical door was totally unexpected.

"Who's there?"

It was then that he saw an ominous looking mysterious figure, in a brown hooded cloak. It was kinda hard to see though because of the lighting of the map.

"I've come to see the door to this world."

"Ahhh so that's what that door was!" Sora said as if he made the most mindblowing discovery ever. Such cute enthusiasm.

"This world has been con-"

"Who are you?"

"As I was saying…this world has been-"

"Reveal thyself!" Sora demanded.

"…This world has-"

Sora took out his wooden sword.

"Answer me, for I-"

"HEY. CAN YOU LET ME FINISH?" the hooded figure shouted unexpectedly in his deep and sexy voice, which startled Sora a little.

"Ok ok, I'm sorry," Sora apologized.

"Anyway…as I was saying…this world has been connected."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…You can speak now."

"Ahhh ok!"

The hooded figure sighed as he continued to foreshadow stuff.

"…Tied to the darkness-"

 **"DARKNESS?!"**

Sora then immediately realized that he must have been the bad guy of this jrpg. And he knew what he had to do. He then started to beat the hooded figure into submission with his wooden sword without mercy or remorse.

"DAMMIT BOI, GET OFF ME!"

"NEVER! FOR I AM SORA, THE MAIN CHARACTER!"

"GAH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"I SHALL SMITE THEE, FOUL CREATURE OF DARKNESS!"

The hooded figure then pushed Sora off him with the powers of darkness actually it was due to the author having to remain mostly consistent with the original plot but shhh we must not speak of such things.

"*ahem* As I was saying…" the hooded figure continued. "Soon to be…dammit I forgot my lines! Now my plan, which consisted of making a few vague comments that'll unsettle you a little, has failed!"

"I see…anyway, I gotta go and explore the other worlds with a wooden raft and a very small amount of food."

"There is so very much to learn. You understand so little."

"Well I'll learn everything that's out there!" Sora told the hooded figure confidently.

"A meaningless effort. _One who knows nothing, can understand nothing_."

Sora tilted his head in confusion.

"Isn't that the whole point of learning?"

…There was a long moment of awkward silence.

"Blast. Foiled again! But next time, I will succeed! And all worlds will submit to the darkness! MWAHAHAHAH! MWAHAH-*cough**cough**choking noises*-AHAHAHAAAAA!"

And with that he suddenly disappeared.

Sora smiled.

"Well, I can't help but admire his devotion to his evil plans."

…

After that totally irrelevant and unimportant encounter with the hooded figure, so much so that Sora never told anyone about it, Sora ended up listening to Kairi's story about how she murdered a bunch of sailors and stole their shells. And that the three of them (meaning the RKS trio) would always be together. By that she meant that the two poor boys would always be her slaves, obviously.

Sora wouldn't normally think much of it, but now…he really started to wonder if maybe Kairi was just using Sora for her own personal gain…he started to have doubts as to whether the so-called "quests" that he did for her would help Sora save the world in his epic jrpg adventure. And then he thought about everyone else also doing these so-called "quests" for her.

He never wanted to believe that Kairi was lying to him…but now he was starting to have doubts.

Both of them were sitting ("SIT UP STRAIGHT MAGGOT", Kairi suddenly yelled) at the pier, looking at the beautiful sunset.

She then said something very…strange.

"Riku has changed."

Sora was immediately confused.

"What…no he hasn't. He's literally been the same since we were…"

Kairi then gave him a bitch slap.

"That's what you get for talking back to me."

"Sorry, sorry…are you ok?"

"Let's go without Riku."

"…What?"

"Did I stutter? We should get our *bleep* on the raft, go to another world, and leave Riku stranded in this dump."

Sora then felt a strange pain in his heart as Kairi said those words. _I can't…I can't go without Riku…_

"In fact I was just going to kill him in his sleep tonight. If you wanna do it then I-"

"No."

Kairi was shocked as she saw her most loyal servant defy her.

"…What did you just say?"

"I said no. Riku is coming with us."

"Ha! As if-"

Before Kairi could finish her sentence, she felt a hard slap across her cheek, which was especially painful for her since the hand was cartoonishly oversized. Not to mention that this…this was the first time anyone had properly rebelled against her…and it was Sora of all people.

Meanwhile Sora felt bad for Kairi, but it felt so satisfying being the hero who would defend Riku…albeit indirectly.

In fact, Sora's bitch slap was so strong that it could Kairi to somehow fall off the pier and into the water below.

Sora tried to grab Kairi's hand dramatically as she was falling like they do in the movies, but lol nope Kairi fell in anyway. And Sora still had his hand extended and his face full of grief and angst, because that's what people do in movies.

"Nooooo! Kairiiiiiii!" he screamed dramatically, with emotion, and drama, and slight sexual tension.

Kairi's last words were a faint whisper.

"Sora…"

He stared at the ocean below him from the pier where Kairi fell, dramatically might I add. Sora then stopped angsting and went back to his usual cheery self immediately.

"Ah well, surely Kairi's fine!"

Bubbles started appearing from the water, in the spot where Kairi fell.

"Yep, surely she can swim back up to safety at any moment."

Nothing happened.

"Well…if Disney and Squaresoft have taught me anything, it's that with the power of friendship, she'll be able to surpass this and survive in one piece! Anyway, I should find Riku."

As Sora left the pier, there were no more bubbles.

…

As night fell, Sora was resting on his bed, hoping that some kind of traumatic event that would make him lose everything he ever had wouldn't occur.

He just finished watching Treasure Planet for the bajillionth time, and now he was thinking about what Kairi said. Why didn't Kairi want Riku to join them two on the raft? Oh well, he knew that the three would be able to set sail later on the RKS Legacy to…well, he didn't know. But that was an essential part of the jrpg experience, venturing out into the unknown (that is, unless someone spoiled it. Seriously, can people just not do that plz).

It was then that he heard a storm from outside.

"Oh no, the raft!"

Since this was a cutscene, Sora magically teleported to the island off screen, while a certain someone was calling for him.

"Sora, dinner's ready!"

That was one of the citizens of Destiny Islands, and one of Kairi's many slaves. Her life of pain and misery gradually drove her insane, so much so that she actually believed that she was this thing called a "parent". Which was false since everyone knew that parents don't exist. At all.

"Come on down…Sora?"

Poor girl. So delusional.

…

As Sora made it to the island, he saw a giant purple sphere of death in the sky. Sora immediately drew his wooden sword.

"This must be darkness! In all its evil purpleness!"

He then saw Riku's and Kairi's boat…which made Sora question once again why the hell they needed the raft.

"THE PURPLE MUST DIE!" Sora chanted, disregarding all common sense and logic.

It was then that Shadows started randomly appearing.

"Oh my…this is just like in my dream…"

The Shadows advanced closer towards Sora, being as unthreatening as always. Sora didn't pay attention to them though, he was too busy jumping up and down, squealing like a fangirl with an anime-ish twinkle in his eyes.

"My dream must have been foreshadowing future events! That means…"

A drum roll could be heard in the background and glitter started appearing everywhere for some reason, as Sora then made a triumphant pose, looking even more happy and cheery than he always did.

"I REALLY **AM** THE MAIN CHARACTER!"

Sora looked at the Shadow who was standing in front of him. The Shadow was purring like an adorable kitten. Sora almost didn't want to kill it, but it was darkness and darkness = eviiiiiiiil.

He then tried to impale the Shadow with his trusty wooden sword.

"Yah!"

It didn't work.

"Yah!"

Still didn't work.

"Yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah YAH!"

…Still nothing.

Sora looked at the wooden sword.

He looked at the Shadow.

He looked at the wooden sword again.

"…Bleep," Sora muttered to himself.

…

*3 seconds later*

"I'M SORRY I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" Sora wailed in pure terror as he ran away from the angry horde of Shadows.

The Shadows all hissed at him simultaneously.

"I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER, THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!" Sora complained loudly.

Thankfully for him he found Riku standing on the island doing literally nothing, and Sora had an idea. Having played jrpg's all his life, he knew that if he got close enough to Riku, it would trigger a cutscene and all the Shadows would go away.

With all the strength his skinny little legs could muster, he ran as fast as he could towards him to get away from the angry Shadows, which were hissing even louder than before.

Sora couldn't look back. He was almost there…

Just a little closer…

A liiiiiitle closer…

…He made it!

Once he reached Riku, all the Shadows suddenly disappeared, he was safe within the cutscene where there would be no gameplay involved.

He was really happy to see Riku, but…why was he acting so weird? Ah well, Sora was sure he hadn't turned evil or anything.

"Where's Kairi, I thought she was with you!" Sora asked Riku desperately.

"The door has opened…"

"What?"

"The door has opened Sora! Now we can go to the outside world!"

"What are you talking about? We gotta find Kairi!"

 _Kairi…why does he have to care about *bleep* Kairi…_

"You don't understand, Sora. Kairi is not our friend."

"But…how can you say that?"

"She's _evil_ , Sora! She's manipulated you, she enslaved all of us for so many years…but I won't have it anymore."

"Riku…what are you saying?"

"It was the only way, Sora…I had to join the darkness."

 **"DARKNESS?!"**

"Yes, Sora. I have turned to the dark side."

Sora then got out his wooden sword, ready to beat Riku to a bloody pulp, until he realized…that it was Riku. He couldn't do that to Riku, he was his totally heterosexual life partner!

"B-but Riku! The darkness is evil, which means you'll be the bad guy and I'll have to kill you since I'm the main character! I don't want to do that…"

"Sora…please listen. I know this may be hard to understand because of your disorder, but please. I need you to join me Sora. Together we can be free! Just the two of us, forever!"

"Riku…"

"I am not a bad guy, and you are not a main character. So please, I ask you from the bottom of my heart…turn to the dark side with me, Sora."

Riku then held out his hand.

And a pool of the evil darkness, in all it's evil purpleness, materialized underneath him.

Sora tried to save him, but it was no use…no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't reach him at all. It was as if the game was purposefully not allowing him to grab Riku, it seemed.

Then, everything became dark. Like, actual darkness and not the weird purple stuff.

And then a light shined to illuminate the darkness.

And after that…Sora was brought back to the islands, without Riku…

Before Sora could start angsting about it however, he realized that he had something in his hand. It was a giant key. What would he do with it though? Open giant doors?

To Sora's surprise, Mr Floating Text Man reappeared!

"Kiburado…"

"…What?"

"Kiburado…"

"I…I don't know what that is…"

"*sigh* That's the weapon you're holding, idiot."

"Wait…so my weapon is an oversized key?"

"Yes."

"Awww, why can't I have something cool? Like a gunblade? Or a buster sword?"

"You get a fucking key."

"But I don't want a key!" Sora whined.

"Too bad."

And with that, the floating text was gone, leaving Sora alone on an island being swallowed by purpleness, with only a key of all things for a weapon.

Not only that, but Sora's stomach was rumbling since he hadn't had dinner.

This really wasn't a good day for him.

 **A/N: I know that Darkside wasn't in this chapter but I couldn't resist using this pun for the chapter title. Sorry. XD**


	4. Episode 4 - The Dolan Goobit

_Meanwhile, at Disney Castle..._

...

"ALALAHYODHLAHLAH!"

You may think that that was the author randomly mashing at his keyboard, but that was in fact Dolan screaming incoherently. 'Twas his battle cry.

Gooby was just watching, questioning the meaning of life, and it's meaningless. This scene had really got him thinking about why we reject things that are different to us.

You see, a mysterious critter had invaded the castle. Not just any critter though, it was a cricket.

It's disgusting legs, it's beady eyes, it's cricket noises, it's journal that it carries around for some reason. It couldn't actually write in it though because...well, he was a cricket. That's the joke. You're supposed to laugh now. Then again crickets are no laughing matter. They are evil, foul creatures, not to mention that they're also a very boring sport.

Dolan was trying to kill this little bastard with his broom...and failing.

"GOOBY! HELP ME PLZ!" Dolan pleaded.

"Gawrsh."

"PLZ GOOBY!"

"Uhhh."

"I need your love, I need your time! Whenever..."

Gooby just stood there with that same disturbing face.

Dolan sighed at Gooby's idiocy.

"Fine, I'll do it myself, you big palooka."

"Uhhh we're memes Dolan, we have no palookas."

Dolan glanced at Gooby, unable to express anger since he couldn't move his face at all, just like Gooby, but him holding the broom up in a threatening way was enough to send the message.

"I'll give you a palooka right now if you don't-"

Their conversation was cut short when it turned out that the journal carrying cricket was sat right on Dolan's beak.

They also had no spines apparently (figuratively and literally). Because as soon as they looked closely at the evil journal-holding cricket who was hopping around innocently into its big gaping eyes that stared into your soul, it's hairy disgusting legs that were surely disease riddled and coated with germs, and the yawns from the audience who wanted to kill themselves from boredom, Dolan and Gooby panicked and ran as fast as they could out of the room, which took around three days.

...And since Dolan forgot the donuts, they had to run back to the room where they fought the cricket, and get them, then come back to the garden, which took around a week.

It was totally worth it.

As Dolan and Gooby enjoyed their donuts (which they couldn't eat because they were unable to move their mouths), they were brainstorming ideas on how to defeat the evil cricket once and for all.

"Garwsh, we need to stop that darned thing. What if everyone starts panicking?"

"We're the only ones here you palooka head! Everyone else who works at the castle is dead!"

Dolan then heard someone call from behind him. It was a dog like creature who looked oddly similar to Mickey Mouse somehow...

"Hi! My name is Bimbo! Can I get a job?"

Dolan immediately stabbed him.

"See what I mean? _Dead."_

Gooby just stared blankly at him.

"Whale then, I dunno."

"You don't know anything."

 _"I know how the universe began. Or rather, I know of its slow and eternal descent into madness and despair that will eventually turn into nothingness."_

"Shore you do Gooby. Now, let's find more donuts!"

"Oh boy! Donuts!"

...

 _Six days later..._

...

Unable to get rid of Jiminy Creep-it (that's what Dolan and Gooby both decided to name the creature), Dolan and Gooby spent ages creating a convoluted and complex plan, one that the KH villains could only _dream_ of coming up with.

Their plan was to build a giant door within the castle. Then they would lock the door with a giant key. Then they would go to sleep and wake up in the future when time machines were a thing. Then they would go to the past and give their past selves the details of their plan to kill cricket. And once they know these details, they use the time machine to meet with their future selves and see what method they had used to finally kill the cricket, then they would go back to the present and gain amnesia after hitting their head on a giant rock, only to gradually regain their memories once their future selves come back, so that once they recover amnesia they'll become evil and find all the different versions of Dolan and Gooby to build an army so that they can find all the donuts that Mickey hid within the palace.

Then they would purchase some bug spray and kill the cricket with that.

It only took them a week to think of, while they were walking down an unnecessarily long staircase that took them two weeks to fully traverse.

To succeed in their so-called "Dolan Goobit", they needed a mode of transportation.

Sadly...that wasn't going so well.

...

"What do you MEAN that the only ship you have is made of polygons?" Dolan complained to Chip and Dale, which were two of Mickey's squirrel workers that killed themselves during Mickey's evil reign of terror, but unfortunately for them, they came back to life and they were now undead versions of their original selves.

"Gawrsh, isn't that the evil ship that everyone here was so scared of?" Gooby wondered.

"Yes. Legend has it that it's flying sections are so annoying and unnecessary that it has driven people MAD."

"That...that sounds terrible!"

"Mickey makes people do missions as a way of torture if they disobey him."

Dolan and Gooby shuddered at the thought.

"But what about dat customization?" Gooby asked earnestly,

...Chip and Dale both started laughing hysterically, literally breaking their funny bones as they did so.

"Ah Gooby."

"How hilarious you are sometimes."

"Nobody _cares_ about customization!"

Bimbo then appeared suddenly, with a knife still deep inside him from where Dolan stabbed him earlier.

 **A/N: Yes, continuity is a thing in this parody. I swear. :D**

"I care about customization!" he chimed in happily.

"Seriously, shut up plz," Dolan, Gooby, Chip and Dale all said in unison.

Dolan was starting to get a little concerned. You couldn't see it in his face or in his character as a whole, but he was.

"Why do we have to drive it then if it's that bad?"

"Because I like watching you all suffer."

"But..."

"Just get in it."

"I don't-"

"Get in it."

"I-"

"GET IN THE *bleep* POLYGONS DOLAN"

A tear rolled down Dolan's eye.

"Ok."

Pluto then suddenly appeared from the depths of Satan's lair, acting creepy yet somehow also adorable as always. Like Gooby he was entirely omnipotent, but while Gooby was a godlike entity, Pluto was...rather satanic.

"HAIL SATAN. DISNEY IS POWER. YOUR MOTHER SUCKS PALOOKAS IN HELL."

"Please. Enough with the references..." Dolan pleaded.

The fact that Dolan thought the references could ever possibly stop was amusing, to say the least. It's a parody, references are like...obligatory.

...

As Dolan and Gooby were finally ready on their pile of polygons, with their determination high and blood sugar dangerously low, they had to send their last goodbyes. Dolan knew that he had to say goodbye to his beloved, his wife, his genderbent clone: Daisy.

"BYE DAISY! I'LL BE BACK SOON! I'LL TRY NOT TO BE LATE FOR DINNER!" Dolan called out.

Daisy was too busy being hanged in a satanic ritual to reply.

"Gawrsh, she's not really very friendly now is she?" Gooby whispered to Dolan.

"Yeah, her time of the month was way longer than I thought it would be," Dolan quietly whispered back.

Dolan gave a totally non-creepy wink at her as they were both ready to fly towards the cosmos during a long and tedious space shooting segment. What fun!

The engines (or lack there-of since it was literally just polygons) started, the countdown began, and they were ready to commence the lift off, until...

"Hey, can someone get this knife out of my cranium?" Bimbo asked to no one in particular.

With that distraction, Dolan accidentally pressed the wrong button, which made it so that instead of taking off, Dolan and Gooby ended up falling into the void of space. Because apparently, that can happen. It makes sense. I swear to you it does. Just because I didn't describe it didn't mean that it's not true.

Chip and Dale just shrugged at the incompetence of the two memes.

"Eh. Whatever. They're the government's problem now."

"Yeah. Let's get donuts."

Daisy and Minnie would have gone to get some donuts too, but they was too busy not being alive.

...

And so, the Dolan and the Gooby floated in the vast and eternal void of space, inside a giant ship made of "Gummi Blocks" which are obviously just polygons goddammit.

"Awww phooey," Dolan whined.

"Whale it's not dat bad. At least we don't have to do dem gummi ship sections now!"

"Yeah, screw the Gummi Ship."

Dolan then realized something... _Jiminy had been on Dolan's beak the entire time._

He made his trademarked incomprehensible shouting noises angrily as he realized this, which scared even Gooby. The very journal holding cricket that they were trying to kill with their insanely convoluted plan involving keys and time travel was stalking them, possibly making his own convoluted counter plan as revenge.

Eh. Still less problematic than the Gummi Ship sections.

"What are you doing here? I command you to speak vermin!" Dolan said with confidence, even though he was terrified on the inside.

He made cricket noises.

"TELL ME!"

He kept making cricket noises.

"...Plz?"

The cricket then got a pencil from outside of the screens boundaries and started to write in its journal.

"HEY! Whaddaya think you're doing?!"

Dolan then immediately tried snatching the journal from the cricket, who protected the journal with his life. The cricket was winning too, he really didn't want to let that journal go.

"C'mon...just...let...GO!"

Gooby just watched.

"GOOBY HELP ME FOR *bleep* SAKE!" Dolan screamed angrily.

"...Gawrsh."

In the end, somehow, the creature known as Dolan finally won the journal as his prize in a tug of war match with a cricket. Truly it was a test of heart and skill, one that wou-

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Dolan interrupted.

He examined the journal but he couldn't decipher it at all. It was all just nonsensical scribbles, something that a toddler would make when he's bored in class.

"Gooby...this must be some kind secret code."

"Oh my...dat would be amazing!"

"Maybe this will lead us to... _the pants_."

"I thought we were looking for dat giant key for our "Dolan Goobit" or whatever?"

"SHUT UP AND LET ME HAVE MY _PANTS!_ "

"Ok ok, shore. Now lemme read dat code..."

 _One hour later..._

"So, Gooby, what is the verdict?" Dolan asked excitedly.

"Whale...there is no code."

"*incomprehensible noises* WAAAAT?"

"It just looks dem weird scribbles to you when it's actually just normal words written on the pages."

"But...why? Why is this happening to me Gooby?"

"Well, hyuck, you can't read!"

"Oh...right."

Dolan then slumped his chair during one of his moments of self-loathing. The fact that he was less useful than GOOBY was just...embarrassing. So embarrassing.

"Well. What does it say?" Dolan asked during his angsting session.

"Wha?"

"The journal. What is written in the journal?!" Dolan asked again, more impatient this time.

"Hyuck, nothin'. It's completely blank."

...

 _Oh well_ , Dolan thought to himself. _Surely whoever has the giant key is doing better than I am right now._

 **"OH MY LIGHT I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE!"**

Sora looked up in fear as the dreaded purpleness was swallowing his homeland. He was standing on a suspended rock in the air, watching as the island around him was gradually being swallowed up. He even felt himself being lifted off the ground and into the shadowy void.

As Sora was sucked like a vacuum into the giant ball of purpleness, his final words were:

 **"AND I NEVER EVEN FINISHED THE TUTORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL-"**

And with that, he was gone.


	5. Episode 5 - An Insignificant Episode

Dolan and Gooby waddled through the beautiful town of traverse. Jiminy was also there, even though he wasn't in the cutscene. As usual, it was nice and desolate, with no inhabitants whatsoever. How they got there is anyone's guess...anyway, they were searching for the giant key. I think, I don't really keep track of what's going on.

However, Gooby noticed a disturbance in the force. Somehow he knew that something was wrong up in the night sky even before knowing that something was about to happen, or seeing what was actually going on.

"Look Dolan, dat star is going out!"

...The star wasn't doing anything.

"No it's not."

"But it's going to at any moment!"

"Yeah, sure, cool story bro."

Gooby frowned as he looked up at the star above, knowing that something was going incredibly wrong.

"Dis must be the work of dem Daleks!"

"I thought I told you to stop with the references!"

"Hyuck, but how else am I supposed to be funny?!" Gooby asked, his robotic Google Translate voice full of sadness and emotion.

...Gooby never got an answer.

"Oh look, it's Pluto!" Dolan remarked, changing the subject.

Pluto slowly walked towards them, looking as innocent and as happy as usual. He was completely harmless, just a regular Disney trademarked dog.

"You shall all burn in hell," Pluto recited.

"He seems to be as adorable as ever!" Gooby said, patting his head.

"Get off me you memetic mutant, or you shall suffer the wrath of Satan!"

"Awww what a cute doggy!"

 _"_ _I hate you all."_

"Do you wanna treat?" Gooby asked happily as he got out a bone.

 _Dammit...must...resist...primal urges..._

Sadly Pluto could not resist the everlasting temptation of the large, shiny bone.

He took it from Gooby's hand with his teeth and started gnawing on it, wagging his tail and panting happily. So much so that he started drooling as well.

"Good boy! Who's a good boy!"

Gooby reached out his hand to stroke Pluto, but he bit Gooby before he could do so. Thankfully for Gooby, he felt so much internal pain on a daily basis that nothing else could hurt him, it was cancelled out.

"Hands off! I don't even know where that's been."

"You don't want to know," Dolan remarked.

"Now that you're here you can help us find that key!"

Pluto just laughed darkly at Gooby's naivety.

"Fuck that. I must devour more souls of innocent children!"

"Tell me...do the children have _pants_?" Dolan asked, with way too much eagerness in his voice.

"Well..." Pluto wasn't sure how to answer that. "Usually they do. Now _begone_ you cretins! Continue with your pointless and idiotic pursuit."

"Ok!"

Dolan and Gooby then left to continue their pointless and idiotic pursuit. Pluto felt satisfied, that was way easier than he expected.

"If you do find the key then let us know!" said Gooby.

Pluto then sighed, feeling rather ashamed of himself.

 _How am I even related to him?_ he wondered.

As Gooby was exploring the town with Dolan, he started introspecting as well.

 _If I'm a dog...then why do I have pants and Pluto doesn't?_

...

In Pluto's pursuit for souls, his nose and satanic powers sensed the stench of children (try saying that five times). As he walked across the dark, empty hallway, he actually managed to find said child.

 _His soul smells delicious...so pure...so innocent...pretty surprising for someone who seems to be really into bondage_ , Pluto thought to himself.

Not only that but he was asleep. And everyone knows that sleeping victims are the best kind of victims.

Pluto then started licking him to get a taste of that delicious soul...yeeees. It was like the nectar of Satan. Truly it was one of the tastiest souls has he has ever had the pleasure of-

Sora then started to wake up.

"Ahh...uhh..." was Sora's intelligent remark.

 _Dammit he's waking up, now my plan is ruined!_ Pluto thought.

Sora then glanced at Pluto, still in a daze after what happened.

"Is dinner ready yet...?"

He then realized what exactly he was looking at. Sora was a Disney fanboy ever since he was a little boy. Their movies and Squaresoft's RPG's were the only part of his life that he remembered before Kairi showed up and enslaved everyone.

"...Pluto?"

"Indeed, mortal."

Sora broke out of his daze, and his eyes started to go wide, doing that sparkly thing again like in anime.

"...You're...Pluto...?"

"I already said that I-"

He was interrupted by Sora's bone crushing glomp of affection, his inner fanboy had been unleashed.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT'S PLUTO! IT'S THE ACTUAL REAL PLUTO AND I'M HUGGING HIM!"

"GET OFF ME YOU FOOL!"

"THIS IS AMAZING! I'M TOTALLY GONNA TELL RIKU THIS LATER EVEN IF HE WON'T BELIEVE ME!"

"YOU ARE LITERALLY SUFFOCATING ME RIGHT NOW...PLEASE...LET...GO..." Pluto started rasping as he was completely out of breath.

Sora then realized his mistake and he immediately let go of him, feeling remorse and regret.

"Oh my...I'm sorry Pluto! I didn't mean to hurt you or anything!"

Pluto then tried regaining his breath.

"It's just that I can't believe I'm actually seeing the **_REAL PLUTO OH MY GOD!_** in this place!"

Pluto then growled.

"I mean I've only ever seen you in things like cartoons and I never thought that I would actually see you in real life come to think of it where are we I have no idea where we are is this heaven are we in heaven did I die OH MY GOD DID I DIE?! Wait, main characters can't die, and-"

 ** _"_** ** _CAN YOU PLEASE JUST STOP RAMBLING FOR ONE SECOND?!"_**

Pluto couldn't take this kid anymore, he screamed that a loudly as he could for no one to hear.

...Tears then started forming in Sora's eyes.

"I'm...I'm sorry..."

"Wait, no, don't cry! No need to cry...don't cry..."

"Ok...*sniffle*"

"Just stay calm."

"I'm calm."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah...I'm calm."

"You're calm."

"I'm calm."

"Calm."

"Very calm."

Pluto then sighed with relief as Sora finally calmed down. Unfortunately, he had a stupid grin on his face, and he looked like he could start fanboying again at any given moment.

"Anyway...as an apology, you can give me a treat."

Sora then looked confused.

"But weren't you the one who-"

"As I was saying..." Pluto interrupted. "To make up for your sins, there is something of yours that I need."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"What is it?"

Pluto's eyes then turned into gaping holes of bright red, and the music around them became very ominous.

 ** _"_** ** _I need your soul."_**

"..My soul?"

"Yeeees, Sora," he said as his head started spinning. "Your soooooul~"

"You can have it."

"...Wait. What?"

"I said you could have it. It's not like it's important to the plot anyway!"

Pluto was shocked, no one else ever just offered their soul for free before.

"You're...you're just going to... _give_ it to me?"

"Of course!"

"You're not going to ask for anything in return?"

Sora started to think about what Pluto just said.

"Well..."

Pluto facepalmed. _Curses! My plan keeps failing!_

"Maybe I could ask for something in return..."

"Ugh, fine. What do you want?"

Sora placed his hand on his chin as he thought deeply.

"Do you want fame? Fortune? Weapons that could disrupt world peace?"

"Not really."

"Well then what _do_ you want?"

"Well...I like Disney movies...and I like Final Fantasy games..."

"Yeah, we all do. What's your point?!"

"If I sold my soul...could I receive every Final Fantasy game released from now until the end of time, for free, on the first day of release?

Pluto blinked.

"...Are you serious?"

Sora nodded.

"Well...sure. Your wish is granted."

Sora immediately started jumping around happily, celebrating like a child for no one to hear.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!"

Said Sora on the same day of losing his best friend and his home.

"Now pay up."

Pluto then gave Sora a contract and a pen. Sora didn't read the contract because main characters never needed to read unless he had to solve some kind of puzzle in a dungeon. He immediately signed, thus giving up his soul for all the future Final Fantasy games that would ever come out.

Sora knew he made the right decision. After all, he knew that the Final Fantasy series was eternal and would _never_ decline in quality or popularity.

As Sora did so, Pluto then started laughing evilly, absorbing his soul while doing that weird twisting and chanting thing again.

"HAIL SATAN, DISNEY IS POWER, HAIL SATAN, DISN-"

"Are...are you ok?" Sora asked, starting to feel concerned.

"YOUR MOTHER COOKS DINNER IN HELL."

And with that Pluto returned to the depths of hell.

Sora was even more confused.

"What's a mother?"

...

Sora then explored the deserted town. Since he definitely wasn't in heaven, he came up with the only logical conclusion. This must be the first stage of this game, where Sora would start to get more familiar with the gameplay.

Why was it so deserted though? Was it the PS2 graphics that couldn't handle it? Or was something more sinister afoot...?

Sora tried not to let to his nerves get to him, and he continued onwards.

...

He then reached the Second District where he hoped that nothing bad would happen. Then he started to make a pretty big realization...

Everything he had ever had and loved were gone...

Riku...his games and movies...Riku...and that was pretty much it.

 _Oh no...where is he now? He couldn't have died, this is supposed to be a kids game...!_

Panic spread through him, and he started breathing heavily.

 _And how am I supposed to find him when I'm here in this sparkling ghost town...?"_

Before he could have a panic attack and experience some character development, he realized that there was actually an NPC in this place! He didn't know where he came from, but it was there. He didn't know who he was, all he knew about him was the name tag on his shirt that said "Insignificant Man."

Truly he must be extremely important to the plot.

Sora approached him with a big smile on his face, ready to accept his quest. What kind of main character would he be if he didn't do that?

"Hi Insignificant Man, my name is Sora? Is there anything I-"

"Don't blink."

The man looked extremely panicked and he seemed to be running away from something...I guess this is normal in a desolate ghost town though.

"...What?"

"Don't even blink."

"But I'm programmed to blink every few seconds! I can't just...not blink!"

The Insignificant Man desperately grabbed Sora's shoulders, sweat dripping down his head as he kept panting.

"You fool. They'll kill you, they'll kill us all!"

"But NPC, this is a kids game! You can't die, no one does!" Sora said, really disliking how close this man was to him. But he was a main character, so he had to live with it.

"What are you even talking about boy?! That is all meaningless now!"

"...D-Do you need me to kill some monsters or fetch an item or something...? Because I can do that..."

"There is nothing we can do now. We are all doomed! DOOMED I SAY!"

Sora then raised his oversized key, ready to face the challenge head on.

"There is one thing you should know about me, NPC. I _never_ say doom, unless I'm playing Final Fantasy. No matter what challenge we may face, no matter the lack of decent equipment, no matter the difficulty setting, I play to **WIN**. So no matter what happens, I will make sure that both of us leave unscathed, and bathed in the blood, sweat and tears of our enemies! So what do you say, NPC?"

...The NPC was gone.

"...NPC?"

There was no reply.

"Huh. I wonder wh-"

"AHHHHHHHH!" the insignificant man screamed.

Sora then turned to the direction where the scream was coming from. He saw the insignificant man being enveloped all over his body in giant red tentacles.

"The tentacles...they're draining my life force!"

He continued screaming, but they only started to become quieter as he was dying at this monster's hands.

 _What life? We're all just 1's and 0's anyway_ , Sora thought to himself.

...

 ** _Meanwhile, at another location..._**

"Hey, maybe we oughta find Leon!" Gooby suggested.

Dolan didn't reply.

"...Dolan?"

There was still no reply.

"Dolan...? Do I need to rub your belly again?"

"Gooby..." Dolan said, sounding rather scared. "I think we may have made a mistake."

"Of course we have, Dolan. We're useless!" he said happily.

"I know, I know. But I mean...I think I've forgotten to do something very important."

"Like what?"

Dolan gulped.

 _"_ _...I think I may have accidentally set the tentacle monster free."_

There was a moment of silence.

"Ah well, dats cool."

"Gooby how on earth is dat cool? It could kill millions of innocent people!"

"Well at least it won't kill anyone important."

"Hmm...good point. I guess we'll just let the government handle it."

"Hooray for democracy!"

...

 ** _And now, back to the other location..._**

"IT'S DRAGGING ME INTO THE ENDLESS ABYSS!" the man screamed.

"Don't worry NPC, I will save you in this epic battle to the death! I will-"

The tentacle monster left immediately with the Insignificant Man before Sora could continue rambling. And now, Sora was left alone in the desolate town yet again.

The Insignificant Man was gone.

He was dead.

Never to return.

 _And Sora couldn't save him._

"Oh no..."

Sora then started to feel really sad.

"I can't believe this..."

Actually he wasn't just sad, he was devastated.

"I failed..."

He then kneeled down and banged his fist on the floor in regret and guilt.

"I can't believe that I...I didn't get to fight that tentacle monster! It would have been such an epic boss fight! And I probably would have gotten a cool reward for it too! It's just not fair! Why did the game have to tease me like that, I was seriously hyped right there to beat the bleep out of it!"

Sora sighed and got back up on his feet.

"It's ok Sora, don't let this get you down. You just need to do something fun to take your mind off it. Something that a main character would do. Like..."

Sora immediately summoned his weapon, gleaming with confidence.

"WHACKING STUFF WITH AN OVERSIZED KEY!" he shouted for no one to hear.

He looked around and he instantly found his new enemy. He glared at it, his key in his hand, ready to whack it until it was throwing up munny.

"You're going _down_ , lamppost."


	6. Episode 6 - The Great Protagonist Sora

Episode 6 – The "Great Protagonist Sora"

"DAMN YOU LAMPPOST!"

Sora kept trying to whack his greatest foe, the lamppost, yet somehow his oversized key just...wouldn't hit it. Sadly, unlike the many Heartless in town, it wasn't an object that you were able to hit. And Sora started to get really annoyed as he kept trying and failing.

"Truly you are my most powerful enemy yet!"

Sora kept trying to hit it but of course, with no avail.

"I will destroy you and your kind!" he shouted.

"...Stop."

"Huh?" said Sora as he heard a familiar voice.

"Stop trying to vandalize public property."

"But it might have orbs in there!"

The mysterious man revealed himself, and he...kinda looked like an older version of Sora...could he be...?

"Sure. Tell that to the judge then."

As soon as Sora saw this beautiful man, his jaw dropped in a comedic fashion.

"...Why are you staring at me like that?"

Sora's eyes had that familiar sparkle in them, and they may have even grown wider.

"Buh...buh...buh...buh..."

"Do I need to take you a doctor?" the man asked, sounding rather concerned.

"It's...it's you..."

"Heh, so you've heard of me."

Sora couldn't believe his eyes. It was Squall! The protagonist from Final Fantasy VIII, the one that no one liked!

"I...I'm actually looking at Squall, right now! He's here!" Sora rasped, completely mesmerized.

"Actually my name is Leon-"

"-This game is so _awesome!"_ Sora cheered.

"Maybe you really do need to see a doctor."

Sora then proceeded to hug Squall tightly in his arms, gripping him so hard that Leon couldn't break free.

"Listen, I don't know who this "Squall" is, but I'm not him. My name is Leon." he told Sora as he kept hugging him.

"But..."

Sora then let go, feeling rather confused.

"How is that possible, you look exactly like him!"

Leon then scowled a little.

"I think a better question is, why do you have such a useless weapon? You can't defeat Heartless with that. And you shouldn't be out playing outside at night like this, your parents must be worried sick about you."

Sora groaned, realizing that compared to Leon's epic gunblade, his weapon was lame and not fit for combat at all.

"The floating text gave it to me."

Leon was actually starting to feel worried for this kids health, even if he didn't show it. Not only for his mental state, but his fashion sense. Who would ever wear those oversized pajamas while fighting creatures of pure darkness? And those _shoes_. He could trip over and fall at any moment! To Leon, he looked more like an obsessed fanboy than a hero.

"Yeah, that's it, I'm taking you to a doctor. And the clothes store as well."

He walked towards Sora, holding out his hand.

"Wait...a doctor? Is that a type of Heartless?"

"...No."

Sora then raised his oversized key, ready to fight.

"I'm not going without a fight."

Leon just sighed as he raised his weapon.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Sora then stopped being serious and threatening, and jumped up and down like a sugar high fanboy once again, making manly squealing noises.

"I've always wanted to fight Squall because he's so cool and angsty and brooding and I love him so much I can't believe that I'm actually in his presence oh my Light oh my Light I can't breathe my hair isn't spiky enough for the occasion! And I-"

Leon then bitchslapped Sora with a giant fireball to the face, rendering him unconscious.

"I really don't like fanboys," he muttered under his breath, running his fingers through his hair.

"I do, I like a man that _begs_ ," said someone seductively from behind the scenes.

It was the Great Ninja Yufeie...I mean, Yuffie.

"Not now Yuffie. We must bring him to safety. He must be one of the few remaining survivors," said Leon as he stared at the unconscious fanboy.

"I'll definitely take _good care_ of this little boy for you then~"

"If you're going to molest him, at least wait until he wakes up."

Sora was too unconscious to reply.

...

 _Meanwhile, somewhere else..._

Riku slowly opened his eyes, regaining his consciousness. You think he and Sora would be afraid, but they had lived with Kairi for years. They were used to this to kind of thing.

He saw waterfalls around him, but he had no idea whether the water was falling or rising...as he tried to get up, he started to feel even dizzier than he did before.

"Where...am I?"

He called for Sora's name twice, but for some reason as he did so, no voice clips were playing. This was all very suspicious. It could just be a glitch or something.

He then saw multiple platforms floating in midair, and he really didn't want to think about what could possibly be at the bottom.

It was then that... _she_ appeared.

She was a creepy lady with horns, a black cloak, and unlimited dark magic. She was the mistress of all evil, the mere mention of her name sends chills down people's spine. Even Satan was terrified of her. Her name... _Maleficent._

"Welcome, child~"

"What is this place?"

Riku wasn't at all intimidated however.

And Maleficent was not amused by his rudeness.

"Do you not know who it is you're addressing?! I am _Maleficent_ , the queen of all evil! I am the darkest night, the sharpest blade, the one who shall be the undoing of _all_ that is-"

"...So you're not going to tell me where we are?"

She was really surprised at this young boy. No one else _ever_ dared to defy her, since she was an entity that was feared across the entire universe, and she was truly a force to be reckoned with.

...She definitely saw potential in him.

"All shall be revealed in due time."

"Why not now?"

Maleficent struggled to hold back her anger at his constant defiance.

"Because there is so much more that we have yet to discuss, dear child. I know what your heart desires."

"Oh really? And what does it want then?"

 _"For Kairi to meet her demise, once and for all."_

Riku smirked a little, ready to get his revenge on the one who had put Sora through hell for so long. If working for Maleficent was the only option, then he would gladly take it. Besides, Maleficent was nowhere near as evil and dangerous as Kairi.

...

 _And now, back to the plot..._

Sora was staring at the black screen.

Nothing was happening.

Literally.

Seriously, why was nothing happening.

Was the game glitched?

That can't be!

He then heard a booming female voice, one that felt strangely familiar...

"SIT UP STRAIGHT MAGGOT!"

"But the game is glitching I don't know how to stop it!" Sora cried instinctively, almost as if something like this has happened before.

The black screen faded away, and Kairi was standing by his bed.

Sora was sure that he would felt joy that Kairi was alive, but he also felt really...scared. He always assumed that Kairi was his friend, and that by obeying her commands during the "quests" given to him, he was being a good main character. But in the little time he's spent without being around Kairi, giving into her demands, he's felt really... _happy._ He's actually started to enjoy this jrpg after a tedious intro that's taken around ten years of servitude with Kairi to get through. It was like he didn't need to conceal his internal pain any longer.

But it seemed that deep down...he still felt the need to serve her. Like it's his obligation. His duty. And now that she was alive once again, he didn't know how to handle it.

"Hey there little boy~" Kairi prowled in a seductive voice.

 _Oh god...what is she planning?_ Sora thought to himself.

"You have a such a long hard key there~"

"Not really, it's just made of plastic..."

 _She must be ready to torture me with tedious fetch quests or something..._

"I just wanna touch it so badly~"

"It's really nothing special..."

 _Oh no, what if she makes me collect more coconuts?_

"Firmly grasp it and lick it all over~"

 _This was so odd...why wasn't Kairi being mad at me?_

"Kairi, are you ok?"

Kairi then frowned, and Sora started to panic on the inside. _Oh no, I've made her mad!_ _Now she'll never give me my rewards for all those tedious fetch quests!_

She then proceeded to bitchslap Sora, which was somehow more painful than the fireball to the face.

"What kind of _jackass_ says another woman's name when he's being seduced?!"

Kairi's appearance started to change. Turns out it was never Kairi, but it was actually the Great Ninja Yuffie all along. Sora knew who she was, but he didn't really care that she was here. All that he could think was "meh".

"Yeah, he's such a heartless bastard," said Leon sarcastically in the back.

Sora's heart immediately started beating, and he was sure that he was going to start fanboying heavily once again even though he was really weak. Leon's sarcastic attitude there really reminded Sora of Riku. He always acted like that with Kairi when she was being annoying. _I really miss Riku..._ Sora thought.

He then realized that he wasn't holding his key anymore. It was on the floor. So...if Sora wasn't holding the key, then why was Yuffie asking to touch it? How peculiar...

"Anyway, you're lucky that I was here to save you. The Heartless are dangerous creatures that will kill anyone upon contact."

...

"Awww aren't you all just the cutest little things ever!" said Gooby in a playful voice.

Around him, he was having fun playing with the Soldiers around him, who did tricks for Gooby as he gave them all treats. Their faces were full of happiness, their hearts were pounding with joy. They were all communicating with each other with their own adorable language, laughing and having fun together with Gooby.

"We should keep y'all as pets around the castle! It gets lonely with everyone being dead!"

The Soldiers started cheering happily, and eventually a Shadow appeared which Gooby had fun stroking on his lap, enjoying its adorable purrs.

 _Huh. I should probably look for Dolan now,_ Gooby thought to himself.

...

"That's why I had to take you here, and put away that little toy of yours."

"Although you're welcome to play with me anytime you want~"

"Yuffie, please. Stop."

"You didn't say that last night when I-"

"Please. Stop."

Yuffie scowled as both the gorgeous men in this room weren't letting her use their weapons.

Leon then grabbed Sora's weapon, eyeing it closely.

"Huh...I've definitely seen better weapons than _this_ thing in my day," Leon said, chuckling a little. Sora ended up feeling very emasculated for some reason.

Although somehow, the weapon started sparkling, and it teleported into Sora's hand.

Sora was very shocked by that. Weapons don't usually return to the wielders hand like that do they...? Not unless...

"Oh my...this is amazing! I really AM the main character of this game! I must be the chosen one, the one who will save the worlds from falling into darkness!" Sora cheered happily, like there were absolutely no universe threatening problems at all.

Leon stared at Sora blankly.

"Do you have any idea what danger you're currently in?"

"But this is just the first stage of the game, it's not that hard!" said Sora.

"We are currently located in Traverse Town. This is where people go after their worlds have been destroyed by the darkness."

 **"DARKNESS?!"**

"Yes, darkness. And this place has been invaded by these foul creatures constantly, it's become a ghost town now. I am its sole protector, dedicating my life to the safety of the few townspeople left. They smile everyday as a way to mask all the pain they feel deep inside their hearts."

"I thought they always smiled because of the limited facial expressions that NPC's can have."

"It's a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that their worlds have been destroyed, which has left everyone traumatized. Their homes, their loved ones, their possessions...all gone."

"Not to mention we're all just data, we don't actually have hearts."

"People are _dying_ ," said Leon angrily.

"What? Death isn't real! Once you fail, you can just try again."

"Can you _please_ stop interrupting me when I'm trying to give you important info...? You'll need this to survive."

"Can I ask an important question?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Do you have any ice cream here?" Sora asked eagerly.

"...No."

"Awww, that's a shame, I really wanted to eat something off-screen. Oh, and what are Heartless?"

"Heartless are people without hearts. The name says it all, you know."

"Ahhh, that makes sense!"

"They seek the darkness (Sora interrupted by shouting **DARKNESS?!** once again, ready to fight) within hearts. And there is darkness ( **"DARKNESS?!")** within every heart."

"Wait...if there is **DARKNESS?!** in everyone's heart, does this mean I need to kill everyone?" Sora asked innocently.

"Yeah, sure. Good luck killing people with that plastic toy of yours."

"There's always a way, Leon. All you need to do is learn their strategy and hit them in their weak point."

Leon didn't want to admit it, but that line scared him a little. Maybe Sora was more than just a defenceless little boy...

"Have you heard of someone named Ansem?" Yuffie asked.

"Ansem?"

"Yes, he was a total hunk with such rock hard abs, I wanted to touch and lick them all over and-"

"Anyway..." Leon interrupted. "He was a scientist who was studying the Heartless, and he made a report about them that scattered across the worlds somehow"

"He's gonna be the bad guy of this game, isn't he?" Sora asked sceptically.

"What...? Of course not! He is anything but! He's made great advancements in the fields of science which have benefitted people greatly!" Leon argued.

"If playing jrpg's all my life has taught me anything, it's that scientists are evil."

"Who cares, as long as he's sexy~" Yuffie prowled.

"Really, Yuffie, please stop. Just...stop"

"Or you could stop me with Stopga and use me as a-"

Leon just walked away annoyed before Yuffie could finish her sentence.

Sora then took the time to look at his oversized key, still annoyed at how he was literally given a plastic toy for a weapon. He was supposed to be a badass main character! And a key for a weapon is just stupid and impractical.

"It's not fair! Why was I given this pathetic thing, when Squall...I mean, Leon, has such a cool weapon?"

"Don't feel bad Sora~" said Yuffie. "As you get older your weapon will be a _lot_ more powerful."

"So you're saying I need to grind for experience points?"

"Exactly! You just need more practice wielding it."

"Huh, I guess you're right..." said Sora, still not properly convinced.

"You know...I could give you _lots_ of experience. One night with me and you'll become a pro in no time~"

Sora was intrigued by Yuffie's offer, since if he wanted to face the dangers ahead he needed to be as strong as possible. "Really?"

Yuffie started giggling a little.

"Indeed~ And don't feel bad...with a key like that, you could open all kinds of locks~"

"Wow, I never really thought of that!"

"And perhaps..." Yuffie started to lie on her bed, moving her body in...weird ways. "You could unlock something of mine-"

Before Sora could find out what that was, he felt himself being grabbed and pulled away from Leon.

"Ok, I really think you should leave now," said Leon, who seemed to be sweating a little.

"But aren't we hiding from the Heartless?" Sora asked. "And Yuffie was going to help-"

"Trust me...you're way safer out there than you are in here."


	7. Episode 7 - Guide to the Darkness

"Gawrsh, there's nobody here. Sure is spooky!" said Gooby.

Dolan immediately started to panic.

"Wait...a Nobody?! Where?!"

"Calm down, there's nobody here!"

Gooby's attempts to calm Dolan down clearly weren't working.

"I know, but where?!"

"Nowhere cause there's nobody here, hyuck!"

A feminine hand touched Dolan from behind, causing him to jump in fear.

"Excuse me...Did the king send you?" said Aerith.

"GAH! IT'S THE NOBODY!"

Dolan ran away in fright, while Gooby was just standing there confused.

"...What's a Nobody?"

...

 _Meanwhile..._

A wild Soldier appeared!

Leon pointed his hand at the Heartless dramatically, ready to fight.

"Go, Sora!"

"Sora!" the young boy chirped happily, readying his Kiburado.

"Use Whack!" ordered Leon.

"SORA!" he screamed as he mashed the X button over and over again as always.

 _Heh, I knew playing Pokemon all these years would come in handy_ , Leon thought to himself.

"Yuffie, we have to go!"

"Awww but I wanted to watch you all touch blades!" she whined.

"Seriously Yuffie, not now!"

As she slammed the door open, Aerith chased after Yuffie, grateful that she could finally get away from those two... _things._

And one of those two things was busy being squashed by the door, turned into a white, blue and yellow pancake.

"I hate my life," said Dolan.

"Me too, but we kinda live forever so we can't do anything about dat! Hyuck!"

"Gooby plz."

...

Sora and Leon ended up in the alleyway, where more Heartless kept flocking. Since this was a cutscene, they thankfully just hopped around and didn't do anything to attack.

"Don't bother with the small fry, go after the leader."

Instead of helping Sora, he left to do...well, I don't know.

"Their leader, huh..."

Sora looked around and glared at the lamppost angrily.

"I knew it! You were their leader all along, weren't you!"

...The lamppost said nothing.

"Don't you lie to me! You are the one who made the **DARKNESS!** attack!"

The lamppost still said nothing.

"I WILL END YOU!" Sora screeched as he proceeded to whack it repeatedly.

...

 _Moments later..._

"That lamppost is truly a menacing opponent. His dark powers are beyond that of my expectations," Sora said to himself.

Once he stepped into the third district, he heard...nothing.

There was no music.

"Oh no, the music is gone!" said Sora, stating the obvious. "This could only mean one thing..."

Sora then heard screaming from up above.

"ALALAHYODHLAHLAH!"

"Gah! It's the leader!"

Dolan and Gooby then collapsed on Sora. It caused them all so much pain that stars literally started swirling around their heads. All of them saying "you suck" in a gruff manly voice over and over again.

It was then that the earth started rumbling, and the three fools looked up to see what was about to happen.

"Gooby, did you forget to have breakfast this morning?"

"It's not me Dolan! We can't even eat, hyuck!"

The area started to close off completely, they were all trapped.

Sora stood up and glanced at the two creatures before him. They...seriously disturbed him. Dolan was a disfigured abomination of Donald's face, and Gooby...he looked rather repulsive, like a Goofy that was ran over by a bus or something. Somehow they could talk without even moving their mouths, and the way they stared blankly into Sora's soul creeped him out a little.

 _It's ok...I can work with this. Even though they're really..._ _ **really**_ _creepy, they're surely competent fighters at least._

"You two, the area has been sealed off. This means that a boss is coming. Are you both ready to fight?!" asked Sora excitedly, readying his Kiburado.

"No," they both said simultaneously.

...

The battle with the army of Soldiers had begun. But thankfully, with the Kiburado in hand, all would be ok in the-

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU BOTH DOING?!" screamed Sora angrily.

...Ok I was wrong.

"We're supposed to be fighting the **DARKNESS!** Why are you both just standing there?"

"Sometimes we gotta just relax and admire the view!"

"Seriously, we are in a fight! How could your AI be _this_ screwed up?"

"Gawrsh."

"Just focus on attacking them!"

"Ouchie ouch," said Dolan as he was lightly touched by the Soldier.

"Dolan stop being a wimp and _do something!"_

...See, there was a reason why the King saw these two as useless.

"Gooby! Stop petting the Heartless!"

"Dolan! Stop dying!"

"Gooby! Stop reciting Hitler speeches!"

"Dolan! Stop sitting on the couch and watching TV! You're not even _fighting_!"

"Gooby! Stop trying to figure out the meaning of life or I will **_end_** your life!"

"Gawrsh," said the two creatures simultaneously.

Sora had had enough. He would have to take matters into his own hands.

"Don't worry guys, I'm the main character. I can handle whatever they throw at us."

"Quack."

"Um...ok?"

...

Once the Heartless were finally defeated, a giant one appeared in front of them. It was a weird...disconfigured...chess piece armor thing?

 **"** **PUNY HUMANS,"** it said, it's voice full of reverb and intensity.

"It must be the leader!" said Sora.

"ALALAHYODHLAHLAH!" screamed Dolan.

"Guys, I know what dis is! Dis is dat Heartless folk known as the Guard Armor!"

 **"** **HA. HA. HA. YOU ARE MISTAKEN."**

"Then what are you? State your name, fiend!" said Sora.

 **"** **YOU SEE, HUMAN, I AM THE LEADER."**

"Ha! I knew you were the lead-"

 **"** **THE LEADER OF ALL LAMPPOSTS!"**

Sora's mouth was agape, and Dolan and Gooby just stared blankly into space as usual.

"I knew it..." muttered Sora angrily, ready to destroy the mutated lamppost. "I knew that you lampposts couldn't be trusted!"

 **"** **NO ONE EVER SUSPECTED US, BECAUSE NO ONE EVER SAW IT COMING. THAT IS WHY HUMANS ARE DUMB."**

"But...why? Why do you do this...?! You lampposts are supposed to be warriors of light!"

 **"** **FOR TOO LONG WE HAVE GUIDED YOU HUMANS WITH THE LIGHT. NOW WE SHALL GUIDE YOU WITH DARKNESS!"**

"Darkness never shows the way, it only ever makes people lost!"

 **"** **NOT IF YOU EAT YOUR CARROTS. THAT WAY YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THE DARKNESS BETTER. BUT NO ONE EVER EATS THEIR CARROTS DO THEY? IT'S JUST TOO GROSS FOR THEIR INFERIOR TASTEBUDS, IS IT NOT?! WE LAMPPOSTS FIND THIS SICKENING!"**

"Umm...I like carrots?" Gooby interjected.

 **"** **SHUT UP."**

"I won't you get away with this! I have a toy key with a weird Engrish name that I'm not afraid to use!"

 **"** **HA. HA. HA. WHAT IS A MERE HUMAN WITH A TOY GOING TO DO AGAINST THE ALMIGHTY LAMPPOST KING?!"**

With nothing to lose, Sora lunged at the traitorous lamppost, ready to exact his divine revenge by lightly whacking it into submission with his toy key. He was ready to spam his combos until...

It fell apart.

 **"** **GAH. WHY HAS MY BODY BETRAYED ME SO?!"**

"Garwsh, Sora didn't even touch dat thang and it already fell apart! It's even weaker than you Dolan!"

"Shuddup you big palooka."

 **"** **HUMANS. HELP ME REASSEMBLE!"**

"Sure thing!," Sora chirped happily. "Anything for a decent fight."

"Sora, no!" Dolan and Gooby warned, as Sora helped the enemy be put back together.

As Sora was helping to put the lamppost back together, Dolan and Gooby knew that they had to do something before it was restored.

"Any ideas Gooby?"

"Hyuck, don't lampposts run on dem battery things?"

"Wow, you're right? ...Does electricity even exist in this world?"

"Garwsh, I dunno."

 **"** **I COMMAND YOU TO HELP ME."**

Dolan ran towards the middle part of the broken lampposts while Sora struggled to pick up it's feet.

"Huff, huff, huff, why is this so heavy?!" Sora complained, unable to pick it up no matter how hard he tried.

 **"** **WHY MUST YOU HUMANS BE SO PATHETIC?!"**

Dolan on the other hand managed to (somehow) flip one of the parts on its back, and directed towards the Heartless logo in the centre. Below there was a small line which read

 _Copyright: the darkness. Made in darkness._

Dolan (somehow) got out his trusty screwdriver, screaming "Aha!" as he did so.

"Hey, can someone please help me with this...? Riku? Anyone?" asked Sora.

 **"** **I ORDER YOU TO ALL HELP ME! ...PLEASE?"**

Dolan's screwdriver started to glow, and the logo started to open. On the inside, there were two batteries. Batteries of darkness, no doubt.

(Somehow) Dolan managed to pull them out, thus ridding the evil lamppost of its power source.

 **"** **WHAT...NO! NOT MY BATTERIES! POWER SOURCE...CUT OFF...HUMANS...WHYYYYYYYY..."**

The creature began to shake uncontrollably, as it was slowly and painfully being shut down.

 **"** **DAMMIT WHY AM I BEING SET TO VIBRAAAAAAATE-"**

And then it exploded.

"Oh my Light, I won!" Sora screamed triumphantly.

You couldn't see it since Dolan couldn't move his face, but he was pretty mad.

"Hey, I was the one who-"

"Yep! I, the main character, has defeated the foul creature of **DARKNESS!** "

"But I-"

"I don't even know how I did it, but I know that I truly am the chosen warrior of the Kiburado (I still want a gunblade instead though), that will put an end to the **DARKNESS!** once and for all!"

"Eh. Whatever."

Meanwhile Gooby kept reciting Hitler speeches in the backgrounds.

"Gooby please do that later, we've finally found what we've been looking for!"

It took a few seconds for Gooby to remember what that was.

"Oooh right! The key!"

"Guys, this really isn't a key. It's some toy that some floating text gave to me."

"...That's stupid," said Dolan.

"I know right? Like...I'm supposed to be the chosen one! And this is something that little kids use. Seriously, a wooden sword would be more deadly than this. How can this thing defeat the forces of **DARKNESS?!** "

"Maybe they're all just cosplayers in disguise."

"What's a cosplayer?" asked Sora.

"You're too young to know dem things, hyuck!"

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with cosplaying as your favourite Final Fantasy character," someone said from the background.

The three looked, and there was Squall! I mean, Leon! And Yuffie!

"Wait...you're not Squall?!" Dolan and Gooby said at the same time, completely shocked.

No one could say for certain, but everyone swore that they heard Squall mutter "I wish I was" under his breath.

"Heheh, I love having sex in this costume~" Yuffie purred.

Leon glanced at Yuffie angrily, tired of her constant lewdness that was way too mature and inappropriate for anyone reading this.

"I think that's enough for one day, 'Yuffie'."

Yuffie just smirked fiendishly, seemingly ready to strip off what little clothes she already had on.

"You weren't complaining that one time when I-"

"Seriously Yuffie," Leon said, staring at the ground. "Please stop."

"I still don't know what a cosplayer is," Sora said innocently. "And what were you doing off screen when I was fighting that evil lamppost?"

"Doing stuff. Stuff to protect the lives of the inhabitants here. Well...the seven that are left."

"Does it have anything to do with the plot?"

"Uhh...no?"

"Ah ok. I was just checking."

"Oh, and I still haven't fined you for trying to damage public property," said Leon, chuckling a little.

"Awwwww!" Sora whined in disappointment. Meanwhile Dolan and Gooby started laughing.

Laughing...him and Riku used to laugh...not with Kairi of course, she prohibited it.

Sora then started to look down at the floor, feeling rather sad and alone.

"Garwsh, he seems to be sad," Gooby said, pointing out the obvious.

"Angst does not suit him at all," Dolan said in response.

"I really miss Riku..."

He then made another realization that caused him to panic, breathing heavily to the point where he clutched his heart with his hand.

"OH MY GOD, **I'M STUCK IN ANOTHER DIMENSION!"** he screamed.

"No need for capital letters Sora! We have a ship to go to all dem other worlds!"

"Sure the ship sequences are literal suffering that only waste your time and suck the happiness right out of your soul, but hey, nothing's perfect!"

Sora's breathing became less erratic, and he even smiled a little. Maybe these two creatures weren't so bad after all. It was like that movie where there's an ugly guy who's actually beautiful on the inside. And the book that inspired that movie which no one has ever heard of.

"So...these worlds...what are they like?" Sora asked.

"Hyuck, they're all Disney worlds!"

"All of them are owned by the King, due to copyright laws and control over the media, economy and government!"

Sora was silent for a moment.

"...Disney worlds?"

"Yeah!" said Dolan and Gooby simultaneously.

There was a slight drumroll, and then...it arrived.

 _Sora's overly cartoonish happy face._

His wide smile, the way his eyes rolled at the back of his head, the limited PS2 graphics. All of it disturbed everyone who had the misfortune of witnessing it to the very core. It was just...so...words could not describe the pure terror, disgust, and cringe that everyone felt within their hearts. Everyone was visibly grossed out.

"...Garwsh."

"ALALAHYODHLAHLAH!"

"...I think I'm going to be sick."

"I'm pretty sure that I'm having a reverse lady-boner right now."

But Sora didn't even listen to these comments, he was too busy goofily grinning, bringing pain and misery across the land because of it.

"Sora please stop, you're freaking everyone out," asked Dolan.

"Uuuh gys oi cnt mve my fce," said Sora as he kept grinning like a madman.

"Oh god, we have to help Sora!"

"Of course, cause after all, we're all friends now, hyuck!"

"Actually I just really want him to stop grinning, it's really really creepy."

So Gooby did the thing that only a true friend would do. Grab Dolan's stick and whack Sora with it. Thankfully they were both so weak that Sora didn't lose any HP whatsoever. It did cure Sora of his face freeze problem however.

"Thanks Gooby! I didn't know that glitches could be so deadly," said Sora, shuddering a little.

"No problem! Us friends gotta stick together!"

"Exactly! You always need someone in your life to not heal you when you need it, so you can spend all your time complaining about it and making jokes about it for people to laugh at! That's the true meaning of friendship!" said Dolan.

Sora smiled at his two new friends, feeling confident that everything would be all ok.

"Before we go...I kinda need to ramble since I've been holding it in for a while. Do you guys mind?"

"Not at all!" the two said in response.

"Ok, here goes..."

Sora took a long deep breath.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT'S DONALD AND GOOFY BUT OK NOT REALLY BUT STILL IMMA GONNA GO DISNEY WORLDS AND I ACTUALLY MADE FRIENDS WITH FINAL FANTASY CHARACTERS EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE JUST COSPLAYERS I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE BUT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THIS IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER AND I'M TOTALLY GONNA GO ON A COOL JOURNEY AND FIGHT THE **DARKNESS!** CAUSE I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER AND I'M GONNA SAVE THE MONKEY MAN IN THE EIGHTH DIMENSION LIKE SERIOUSLY I AM LITERALLY FREAKING OUT I THINK I MAY HAVE MENTAL ISSUES OH MY GOD I'M ACTUALLY THE CHOSEN ONE LIKE I'M THE WARRIOR THAT WIELDS THE LEGENDARY WEAPON AND LITERALLY ONLY ONE OF THEM EXISTS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVEN THOUGH IT'S JUST A HARMLESS TOY BUT SOMEHOW IT DEFEATS THE **DARKNESS!** AND-"

...

 _Meanwhile, far away..._

All the Disney villains were united, Maleficent had summoned all of them in one place, where they would exact their evil plots onto the worlds and take control of the universe. At least...that's what Maleficent had hoped for.

"Greetings, everyone!" said the evil Maleficent, excited to begin plotting with her comrades.

"Why have I been summoned here? I have street rats to be dealing with."

"I'm just happy to be away from that blasted Peter Pan!"

"I'd also rather be here than have aquatic creatures **sing**. Trust me it gets old over time."

"Hey at least you don't have to deal with GODS of all things."

"I just want candy."

"Silence!" ordered Maleficent. "Have you all forgotten our Maleficent's House of Villains Meeting?!"

"No one cares about that anymore dear."

Maleficent was shocked and enraged, no one was ever allowed to speak to her like that. Not a villain of the highest calibre.

"What?! How dare you!" she shouted.

"It just hasn't been the same since Cruella died."

"Not that it was surprising. She has no powers of her own, after all. Come to think of it, why isn't Oogie Boogie dead yet?"

"That can be arranged~"

"But we need someone to be our mascot~"

"There's also the fact that Mickey is a way better villain than you are."

"W-what?! That's blasphemy! I am way more malicious than that dirty little rat! And together, as a united force, we will take his throne!"

"I just really want candy."

"...Why is it so dark here? Can't someone turn on a light?" said a teenage boy from afar, which made all the villains except Maleficent laugh.

"Riku! What are you doing here?! This is a club for villains only!" asked Maleficent angrily at her adopted son (kinda).

"Uhh, I let my own island be destroyed. I think I'm more than qualified to sit at the grown-up table," Riku said smugly.

Maleficent merely cackled at this, until she heard the remarks of all the other villains.

"Who would have thought that the great Maleficent was running a day-care centre?"

"Does the day-care centre sell candy?"

Maleficent merely grinned evilly at their words.

"Now, now...there is potential in everyone to be a villain. One can certainly learn the ins and the outs. Riku hear is no exception. He is still young, we must mould him into becoming a worthy successor!"

"I'm pretty sure I already surpass you in terms of looks," said Riku coldly.

Trying to let Riku's comment slide, Maleficent knew that work had to be done if Riku was ever able to reach her level of villainry. Not that that was actually possible.

"There are still things that you must learn, dear boy. Things that I shall teach you with the power of song!"

"Wait...what?"

All the villains cringed at her words, but none moreso than Riku. It only got worse when the music started playing, and Maleficent started dancing to it.

"Oh god, this is actually happening."

"Yes, it has begun!"

"Maleficent I really don't want to do this."

"Too bad!"

And thus, hell for Riku and the other villains had begun.

 _Don't you wanna be evil like me?_

 _Don't you wanna be mean?_

"Please stop."

 _Don't you wanna make mischief your daily routine?_

"I just want to you to stop."

 _"Lalalalalalala~"_

"Oh god."

 _"Lalalalalalalalaaaaah~"_

"Ok I will literally get on my knees and beg if you want."

 _"MimimimimimiMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"_

It was then that Maleficent had finally stopped. And Riku could finally stop being a part of some shitty musical. The only thing Riku hated more than Kairi, was fucking _musicals_. He has had multiple nightmares of people spontaneously singing for no reason, and it still scared him to this day.

Riku saw (despite the room being pitch black) that all the villains were gone. Despite still being a little shaken from the singing, he was amazed.

"Maleficent...did you?-"

"Yes, I did," she replied, smirking evilly. "I purposely drove everyone away with that song, it was my plan the whole time. To be a villain, you must figure out someone's weakness and exploit until they give up all hope! Then, and only then, will they be at your mercy."

Riku realized that being at Maleficent's side might be useful after all. For disposing of Kairi once and for all, for finding and saving Sora...he knew that to do that he had to get his hands a little dirty.

He smiled fiendishly at Maleficent, thankful for her words of wisdom.

 _I'm still totally gonna betray her in the end though_ , Riku thought to himself.


	8. Episode 8 - Trial and Error

And so, Sora, Dolan and Gooby sailed off on their doom ship to all the worlds owned by all-powerful Disney corporation.

...Because yes.

Sora wanted nothing more than to relive his childhood that consisted mostly of Disney and Final Fantasy (what a coincidence) in the real world...or worlds, with his two new best friends, Dolan and Gooby. What's that? He's supposed to be on a quest to stop the darkness and save his friends? Ha. Don't expect any of that until near the end of the game or something.

Now, in this present moment, we find the three idiots piloting their doom ship through the depths of spaaaaace.

They all hated it.

Especially Sora and Dolan did nothing but complain the whole time as they suffered through pointless filler that existed only to pad out the game. It got to the point where even Gooby was annoyed at both of them.

"Darnit, why do these missions even exist?" Sora whined.

"Apparently if you do them all you get some kind of trophy! A shiiiiny trophy~" said Dolan, drooling a little.

"But how would a trophy help in combat? What _purpose_ does it have?"

"Gawrsh if you start questioning those kinda things Sora, you might go too far and realize that achieving something in dem video games means nothing in the real world, hyuck!"

Thankfully Sora was too busy wanting to finally reach the next world to hear what Gooby just said.

It felt like they were on that road for an eternity and a half. Really, it just _kept on going._

"Seriously, this thing moves so slowly!" Sora complained as he tried moving the miserable little pile of polygons. "Not to mention that it's hard to hit enemies, and I take so much damage! What gives?"

"Well it was made by Satan," said Dolan informatively.

"Who's Satan? Is he a Heartless?!"

"Nah, he's actually a nice guy once ya get to know him!"

"Garwsh Sora, maybe if you customized your ship more you'd have an easier time!" Gooby suggested.

Sora grunted a little at Gooby's comment.

"I don't have time for thaaaat! And even if I did I just don't... _care_ enough..."

"But if ya do that then you wouldn't complain as much and the routes would be far easier, hyuck!"

"But I don't wanna do that!"

"No one cares, Sora."

"You guys are a little mean..."

"Dolan's just in a bad mood cause of dat cricket that keeps following us around. For some reason it has a journal and it keeps watching us...menacingly."

"That's unusual," said Sora, stating the obvious, something that wasn't unusual.

"Nah we get weird stuff at the palace all the time! We get weird creatures known as "police" on our doorstep to "arrest" the King, whatever that means," said Dolan.

"Wow, really?!" Sora asked, not entirely understand what Dolan was talking about either.

"Yep! But all we need to do to beat them is to give to them munny until they go away! I wonder why. Maybe you should try giving munny to enemies Sora!"

"Nah, they usually just take it from you if you lose. They only take half of it though, so you'll still have some left once you return from the game over screen."

"Garwsh, that's oddly specific," said Gooby.

"I know right. Games are way too easy these days!"

"But you were just complaining about the gummi routes a moment ago," said Gooby innocently.

...There was a moment of silence.

...

Finally, after 600 words of filler, they made it to their first Disney world: Alice in Wonderland.

"Woo! Now that the filler is over, we can finally get to the main plot of the game!" Sora cheered happily.

As the gummi ship flew towards the adorable planet, and all three of our heroes relieved that the gummi route was finally over, Sora's excitement of the whole endeavor was just too much. He was so close, he was about to-

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GREAT I GET TO SEE ALICE AND THE MAD HATTER AND ALL THAT AND SERIOUSLY FOR LIGHT'S SAKE I CAN'T EVEN I'M SO EXCITED-"

"Sora, plz stop," Dolan whined in a grammatically incorrect fashion.

"Oh, and one more thing before we land in dat world!"

"What is it Gooby?"

"...Can we get a sandwich while we're there? Jiminy ate mine."

"Forget about the sandwiches Gooby!" Dolan demanded. "What he was supposed to say was that we can't let people from other worlds know that we're from other worlds! We gotta protect the world border!"

"Are ya sure it isn't world order?"

"Whadda you know ya big palooka?"

"Garwsh."

"But...are you sure we could blend in properly? I kinda look like a Squaresoft character," said Sora, sounding slightly proud of himself.

"No," Dolan replied.

"Then why are we-"

"LET'S GO!" Dolan and Gooby cheered simultaneously as they FINALLY reached Wonderland.

...

And then they were in Wonderland.

They ended up falling down the rabbit hole. But of course, there were no injuries whatsoever thanks to Sora's presence.

"Wow, it sure it good that my main character powers prevent us from getting hurt during a cutscene!" said Sora.

"Yeah keep telling yourself that ya big palooka," Dolan muttered under his breath.

It was then that they saw a strange looking rabbit with a suit. ...Yeah.

"Oh gosh I'm late I'm late I'm late! If I don't get there on time me bloomin' heads gonna be chopped off!"

The White Rabbit then realized that there were three figures from the outside world surrounding him.

"Oh my, who may you chaps be?"

Sora then remembered what Dolan said about protecting the world border to make sure that people didn't realize they were from other worlds.

"Hey there! We're...umm...we are definitely not from other worlds!"

I'm sure you expected Sora to say something like "I'm Sora, this is Dolan, and that's Gooby." But no, _that_ won't be until Kingudamu Hatsu II.

Meanwhile, the White Rabbit eyed the trio suspiciously.

"Well you blokes better be careful, the queen is a nasty piece of-"

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD," Sora suddenly shouted unexpectedly, causing the White Rabbit to panic. With no hesitation, Sora proceeded to hug the White Rabbit affectionally to death, still rambling as he did so.

"LIKE REALLY OH MY LIGHT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ACTUALLY YOU I SAW YOU IN THE MOVIE AND NOW YOU'RE **HERE!** AND THIS IS LIKE OH MY GOD-"

The White Rabbit couldn't breathe due to being so ensnared in Sora's love.

"Y-you're...s-suffocating me..."

"Gawrsh."

"Soraaaaa! Put him down!"

Sora eventually came to his senses and placed the rabbit back on the ground.

"I...uh...sorry about that," said Sora, chuckling nervously.

The White Rabbit was still unconscious. He was still breathing though, somehow.

"You really need to learn how to control yourself Sora!" Gooby warned.

"Wait...why didn't you hug me like that when we first met?! Dolan complained.

...

And so they made it to a door. And when the door opened it became another door. And another door. And then one last door.

"Why are there so many doors?" Sora asked.

"Because it's _wonder_ land. Duh. Everything here is wonderful!"

"I don't see what that has to do with it Dolan..."

"Yeah, you're right. This world sucks. It should be called wonder _less_ land," Dolan complained. "No one even wears _pants_ in this world. Any world without pants suck."

"Ok but what does...never mind."

They then entered a bizarre room where everything was way too small for some reason. Sora wondered if he could stomp on any mini Heartless that might show up with his giant shoes. That would be a fun thing to do.

The three looked down and saw a sleeping doorknob, snoring away like no one was around. Clearly it would be rude to just wake him up-

"HEY! DOORFACE! WHY DO YA HAVE A MUSTACHE ON YOUR HEAD?!" Dolan asked loudly, loudly awaking Doorface's reply.

It then started to wake up, getting really annoyed. If it wasn't a door with a face and it actually had appendages, it would be slapping these morons right about now.

"Oh no...who are these idiots?" he mumbled to himself.

 _Oh god, another person asking who we are_...Sora thought to himself. _I need to act natural, act like I've been here my whole life..._

"GREETINGS!" said Sora, trying to fake a British accent, speaking in a loud voice to sound more convincing...and doing terribly at it. "WE ARE INHABITANTS OF THE WORLD, AND WE ARE CERTAINLY NOT OUTSIDERS! AS YOU CAN CLEARLY TELL BY MY ANTHROPOMORPHIC FRIENDS AND MY TOTALLY REAL BRITISH ACCENT! DO YOU HAVE ANY TEA AROUND THESE PARTS, GOOD FELLOW?"

"Garwsh, I don't think your fake accent is working Sora."

"Hey! Riku said it was cute when I did it!"

"You woke me up from my nap for _this_?" Doorface complained angrily.

"Good morning!" said Gooby.

Sora, Dolan and Doorface just stared at him for a moment.

"...I thought it was morning by now."

"Just when I think you couldn't be any stupider," said Dolan.

Doorface just sighed, not really giving a crap about any of this.

"Look if you wanna drink there's the bottle, I hope you choke on it," Doorface said spitefully, before going back to sleep.

"Thanks Doorface!" Sora said happily. "Such a delightful NPC."

The table and bottles then magically appeared (was Doorface magic or something...?), and Sora smiled as he reminisced about his childhood spent indoors watching movies and playing games, which explained why he was so goddamn weak.

"Guys I know what to do! If we drink this, we'll turn small!"

"Garwsh, how did ya know that?"

"I watched the movie, I know everything there is to know~"

Dolan looked confused at what Sora said.

"...What movie?"

Not knowing how to respond to that, Sora then drank the potion...which somehow turned all _three_ of them small. Once they were all stood on the table, they realized that Sora was right, they had indeed shrunk.

"Garwsh, we must be so adorable being small and all!"

"You? Adorable? Hah. I'm the cute one," said Dolan.

"That may be true, but _I'm_ a JRPG character, and that makes _me_ the adorable one," said Sora pridefully.

"...He's got a point Dolan."

"Yeah, obviously Sora was gonna win. Squaresoft guys are way too sexy to compete with."

And then, the Heartless appeared, and the trio readied their weapons.

"Garwsh, maybe these guys think that Sora's cute too."

...

The three ended up going against waves of Shadows. Nothing too hard, it was basically the Goomba of the Kingdom Hearts universe. As usual, Sora was the only one doing the fighting. Nothing out of the ordinary.

As they (or rather, as Sora) kept defeating wave after wave, he started to get a bit tired of this.

"How many waves are there exactly?"

"I dunno."

"Yeah, great answer Gooby. Ah well, I'll heal you anyway even though you're at full health."

Sora was thankful that his health was full as well. Otherwise, he would have been pretty mad at Dolan.

Once Dolan casted Cure on the already completely healthy Gooby, all the Shadows were gone. But the battle music kept playing...what was going on?

It was then...that _they_ appeared.

More Shadows. Sound harmless right?

But these weren't just any Shadows.

No.

These were GIANT Shadows.

As they emerged from the ground, purring happily like kittens as they looked down on Sora, Sora just stood there, completely paralyzed with fear.

"I...I..."

Sora had no idea what to do.

Oh wait. He did.

RUN LIKE HECK.

Sora grabbed Dolan and Gooby's hands (since they were too busy not running like heck) and sprinted off from the terrifying giant Shadows.

"Gawrsh Sora, what's the rush?"

"WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY KILL US ALL!"

"Awwww but I wanted to ride one!"

"Gooby do you realized how messed up that sounds?!" Dolan shouted as he was being dragged out of the Bizzare Room.

"Uhh...no?

As they kept being chased by the adorable yet terrifying Gigas Shadows, Sora finally managed to make it out after running around in different directions like an idiot. When Sora went through the hole in the wall, he ended up in a lush green valley...with a ceiling? Seriously, it was almost like Sora could climb up the bushes and touch it. Thankfully since he was in a new area, Sora knew that there would be no Heartless around.

Oh, and turns out he was also in a cutscene! How oddly convenient.

The card soldiers gracefully let the three pass to see a small child be put on trial.

"Wow, thank you so much card soldiers! I thought you'd try to kill us or something."

The White Rabbit was also miraculously ok after being hugged to death by Sora! That was also oddly convenient.

He blew on the big, shiny trumpet, ready to start to the trial.

"Court is now in session!"

Sadly no one could hear him.

"Uhh...could you speak up?" a card Soldier asked.

"I said court is now in session!"

"I didn't hear any of that."

The White Rabbit huffed and panted from exhaustion, but he channelled all his energy to make one last screech.

"COURT IS NOW IN SESSIOOOOOON!"

There was a moment of silence.

"...I still didn't hear it. Did you hear it 9?"

"No I didn't 3. What about you 7?"

"Not a thing. Then again we don't have ears."

"Ah, right."

The young girl known as Alice was shocked at what was going on, but due to her limited PS2 model, her facial expression wasn't any different than usual.

"I'm on trial? But why?"

The camera then panned on the Queen of Hearts, who looked more like a single soccer mom instead of a creepy fantastical monarch based on Queen Victoria. The fact that she was holding a fucking heart shaped lollipop of all things didn't help.

"BECAUSE ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!"

"But I fell into the rabbit hole and ended up here! How could I still be in Britain-"

"ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!"

"I propose that you reconsider!" said Alice.

"THIS LOLLIPOP IS QUITE DELICIOUS. BUT IT IS NOT AS DELICIOUS AS TEA, WHICH IS MORE DELICIOUS."

Sora was very confused at all this nonsense that was going on in front of him.

"I...I don't remember the movie being like this. How could this all be so different from the original source material?"

"Garwsh Sora, I think it might be because of the darkness that affects all dem worlds. You see, cause of the darkness the worlds have all twisted and distorted, hyuck! It's quite sad really."

"Of course it was the **DARKNESS!** I should have known."

"TEA! I DRINK TEA! BECAUSE I AM BRITISH!" the Queen of Hearts shouted.

"Hyuck, see what I mean? The darkness is truly a force to be reckoned with. And to think, this movie was once a masterpiece, now the darkness has turned it into a parody of its former self, just like the rest of the universe."

Sora was shocked. He knew that the darkness was the source of evil, but he didn't think that it was THIS bad...

"You may the queen, but that doesn't give you the right to be so...so mean!" Alice shouted politely.

"Wow, that comeback was terrible!" said Dolan.

"Must be the **DARKNESS!"** said Sora bitterly. "We should help her!"

"But wouldn't that be muddling?" asked Dolan.

"Don'tcha mean meddling Dolan?" Gooby replied.

"Shuddup, no one cares."

"We have to do it! Or rather, I have to. Because I'm the main character, and it's my job to help any and all NPC's! We might get a cool reward if we do!"

"Hey I wonder why the card soldiers haven't noticed us yet?" Gooby suddenly asked.

"It's cause we don't have ears," said 7. "Hey wait..."

All the card soldiers turned around and readied their spears.

"Outsiders!"

"Impossible!"

"God almighty!"

"You three! State your business!"

Sora confidently walked up towards the soldiers, ready to take them on if necessary.

"Let Alice go! She's innocent!"

Alice gasped in surprise, starting to immediately feel attraction towards the beautiful boy with the toy key in his hands.

"Oh my, a Japanese fellow has come to rescue me! I am so honoured!"

"Don't worry Alice, I'm here to save you! I would _die_ for you if I had to!"

Alice looked a little concerned.

"You don't have to go to that trouble, really..."

"It's alright, whenever my HP reaches zero I get the option to respawn, so the laws of life and death don't apply to me!"

"I..I don't think that's how it works."

"SILENCE! YOU AND YOUR JAPANESE WAYS, THEY SICKEN ME SO! Put Alice in jail at once!"

And so, Alice was put in jail. Unfortunately for Sora, it happened off screen so he was powerless to do anything about it.

"Oh no, Alice is in jail!" said Gooby, pointing out the obvious.

"Hey Sora, why don't you use that key thing ya got there to open the cage and let her out?"

Sora sighed a little.

"It can't open stuff, it's just a toy! It's about as useless as you tw- I mean...it's as useless as any magic spell other than Cure."

"Sad, but true," said Dolan.

"Anyway, please Queen of Hearts! Let Alice go!" Sora pleaded.

"Only if you gather enough proof that she is innocent! Only THEN will I consider it. If you fail it's OFF WITH YOUR HEADS! OH, AND ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!"

Wait...

It was then that Sora realized the dark truth of what the Queen of Hearts was asking Sora to do.

It wasn't just finding proof for Alice's innocence.

She made Sora go on...

 ** _A fetch quest._**

He had already been on _so_ many thanks to Kairi in Destiny Islands, the two in the intro were only two of hundreds if not thousands, now he had to deal with **THIS** too?!

 _One of the most tedious parts of a JRPG...well, I guess this was to be expected,_ Sora thought to himself.

"Garwsh, Sora seems really sad."

"Nah, he's fine!"

"I am very sad," said Sora.

 _At least now he'll stop smiling_ , Dolan thought to himself.


	9. Episode 9 - Wonder over Under

"Wow, this background song is so nice!" said Sora as he was exploring the Lotus Forest, enjoying the detour despite having to go on a tedious fetch-quest.

"Eventually you'll get sick of it, and you'll want to stab your ears like they do in Uzumaki."

"Garwsh Dolan, isn't that just a little bit too extreme?"

"No."

"Duuh ok then."

"Let's hit random stuff!"

And then they proceeded to hit random stuff, because that's what jrpg heroes always do. Hit stuff.

Instead of the regular Heartless however, they found some weird mushroom like creatures that were just wandering around endlessly.

"Dey seem harmless!," said Gooby.

Sora frowned.

"The **DARKNESS!** is never harmless. It only exists to cause pain and suffering. But I have to agree…THESE THINGS ARE SO CUTE!"

Sora immediately grabbed one of them and began hugging him tightly, wanting to embrace this adorable, innocent creature.

"You're such a cutie! With your fungi robe and your fungi hat and all! You really seem like a fungi! Get it…? Fun-guy?" said Sora.

The mushroom creature tried breaking free from Sora's binding love grasp, but alas, it was too late.

"I hope you don't mind if I stop because I don't think I have…"mushroom" for more puns! Ha! Get it? Mushroom? Much room?"

Sora erupted into a fit of childish laughter as he kept hugging the thing. Dolan and Gooby just watched.

"Maybe I should keep you as a pet!"

The White Mushroom growled angrily, trying desperately to move his appendages without being crushed.

"I think I'll call you…Friend!"

The White Mushroom broke free from Sora's grasp, and then started thrashing around everywhere like he was throwing a major tantrum. Even though the White Mushroom couldn't actually communicate.

"Is something wrong, Friend?"

It sighed and started doing a pose. It looked like it was thinking about something.

"…Is something wrong, Friend?"

It kept doing that pose.

"Are you trying to remember something? Memory loss is very common in jrpg's."

It then started shivering.

"…Are you cold? Is that it? What do you want me to do?"

It kept shivering.

"It's…it's not even that cold. How am I supposed to help you?"

It then started wiggling his hips.

"Garwsh, it sure knows how to move," said Gooby.

"Let's kill it," said Dolan.

Dolan whacked it on the head with his staff of power, putting an end to its short, meaningless life. Sora stared at it with tears in his eyes, hoping that Friend was still alive.

"Is…is he gone…?" asked Sora quietly.

"Nah he's just asleep," said Dolan, making Sora feel relieved,

"And besides, didn't you say dat nothing can die in these "jay argh pi geez" things?"

"…Wow Gooby, you're right. And besides, surely with the power of friendship, Friend will wake up again!"

…

 _One second later…_

…

"Garwsh. It's taking a really long time for dat mushroom to wake up."

"Yeah, we should just continue with our fetch quest," said Sora.

"I concur," said Dolan.

…

And so they continued with their pointless fetch quest.

Oh, and the Cheshire Cat suddenly appeared, bouncing on its head and stuff. What a show off.

"Who are you?!" screamed Dolan rather rudely.

"Who indeed?"

"You're the Cheshire Cat!" said Sora happily.

"How would you know who I am? Prehaps you are not from this world, I assume?"

Sora's mood immediately changed once he realized his mistake.

"Dammit we can't we blend in properly? I bet everyone has figured out by now that we're outsiders, and that the world border has probably already collapsed just by _existing_ -"

"Garwsh Sora, you're kinda making it worse," said Gooby.

"I don't think it can get much worse than this Gooby," said Dolan.

"Anyway…poor Alice, soon to lose her head, and she's not guilty of a thing!"

"Hey, if you know who the culprit is, tell us!" demanded Dolan.

"I bet you're the culprit, aren't you?!" said Sora as he summoned the Kiburado (seriously that name's so dumb it's kinda hard for the author to even type).

"The Cheshire Cat has all the answers, but doesn't always tell~"

"THAT MEANS YOU'RE THE CULPRIT!"

"But child, I-"

"WORKING FOR THE **DARKNESS!** NO DOUBT!"

"…Umm…."mumbled the Cheshire Cat, trying to remember his lines."Yes, the answer, the culprit, the cat, all lie in darkness."

Sora immediately stabbed him.

"Garwsh," said Gooby.

As the Cheshire Cat was literally dying while sad music played in the background, the last words to come out of his mouth were "there are…four pieces…of evidence…ah, forget it."

"Why did you do that?!" Dolan screamed at Sora, staring at the cat's dead body.

"It's just…he was being so cryptic, just like in the movie! And everyone knows that being cryptic is a sign of being evil!"

"I didn't like him," said Gooby. "Cats are gross. I mean they hate Mondays of all things. Who could hate Mondays? It's the start of a brand new week!"

And then, the author just realized that he put a Garfield reference. In a Kingdom Hearts parody. Like… _why._

"So wait…we have to get _four_ things?" Sora complained.

"Oh no, _four_ things?! How would we ever survive?!" said Dolan in a sarcastic and mocking tone.

"With patience. And lots of drugs," Gooby replied.

"What are drugs?" asked Sora innocently.

…

As they ventured into the Bizzare Room (which really wasn't that bizarre actually. It was just way too big) they found one of the four things they needed to find, which was conveniently placed neatly into a little box. How convenient! Not like that stuff from Destiny Islands which was out in the open. Seriously, I propose that literally everything should be placed in little boxes around the map so they're easier to find. The world would be such a better place.

Oh, and the thing they found were Claw Marks.

…Which somehow were in a box.

"Wow, dem claw marks would be pretty useful in dat trial!"

"Quack," was Dolan's intelligent reply.

 _"_ _It is a shame that the very nature of there being claw marks inside a box is so improbable and goes against the very laws of physics, that we in the real world could not possibly perceive it, it is something that is way too abstract and impossible to truly visualize so the only way that we are able to display the knowledge of the discovery of the claw marks in the box would be to communicate via verbal expression, which would prove useless in a trial since they are looking for physical evidence that can be perceived by all the senses, and without providing such criteria necessary for legal judgement, our statements will be considered null and void, all of which labeled as false, or at the very least they will see it as nothing more than amusing hyperbole, which would not help our case sadly. And if this is one of the four things that we must find, then our efforts would be considered worthless, and there is no hope for any of us since we're all descending into madness, and we always have been since conception,"_ said Gooby.

"…Quack."

"Wheeeee I have ice powers!" said Sora triumphantly.

And then they collected the rest of the evidence off-screen. It took hours, maybe even days, maybe even years, maybe it could be its own spinoff game. But that is a story for another day.

…

Sora stood on the podium, ready to free Alice.

"Oh Sora, you came back!" said Alice gleefully, grateful for her Japanese hero.

"Wait who are you again?" asked Sora. "Oh, right, you're Alice. Anyway…"

He looked up at the queen, feeling confident that he would win this trial. And if he didn't, he could always just kill everyone, and run away before they respawned.

"Here's the evidence. Alice is innocent."

And then suddenly, Sora with his main character powers, made four pink boxes appear. Which didn't really make sense since Sora only took what was inside each box and not the box itself. Then again, trying to explain the logic behind all this would be like trying to explain why Sora could store things like a goddamn tent in his inventory.

The queen gasped at the amount of evidence that Sora managed to obtain.

"That is surely a lot of boxes you have there! Impressive! BUT! You haven't seen _my_ box yet! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Garwsh, the queen has a box too? Dis is BAD!" said Gooby, extremely worried.

"Maybe someone gave it to her as a Christmas gift."

And then suddenly, with the Queen's own power that came from her British heritage, she made her own box appear.

"The queen's box…this must be the boss of this world!" said Sora, feeling determined. "Quick! Box 1, attack! Box 2, use Fire! Box 3, defend the other two! Box 4...umm…attack!"

Nothing happened.

The Queen of Hearts laughed condescendingly at Sora's futile attempts.

"Clearly you have not yet mastered box telepathy, child! Now I, the Queen of Hearts, will show you how it is done! OHOHOHOHOHO!"

Suddenly, the order of all five boxes were changed in a flash, so fast that no one could even see how it happened.

"So then, apparently you Japanese lads are smart. So tell me smart boy, which box is _my_ box?!" the Queen asked evilly.

Sora's faith immediately disappeared as he realized that he didn't know. Not even his main character powers could get him out of this one.

"I…I don't know…"

"HA! Undeniable proof that we Brits are SUPERIOR! Because we have BOXES!"

"But-"

"OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"

"But I like my head!"

"TOO BAD."

"Garwsh, the legal system here sure is broken," said Gooby.

"Pfft, where _isn't_ the legal system broken?" asked Dolan.

"Then you leave me no choice…" said Sora grimly.

He raised his weapon and pointed it at the queen.

"Ha! That's just a toy! What are you going to do? Put in your mouth you Japanese pervert?!"

"No…instead, I'm going to do something that should have been done a long time ago…"

Gooby and Dolan watched in awe as they couldn't help but wonder if Sora was actually willing to kill the queen. I mean, he did kill a cat after all, even if it was working for the darkness.

Sora then got a napkin out of his pocket and wiped his Kiburado to get some of the dirt out of it.

"I really should have cleaned this a long time ago. It's starting to get dirty. Oh, and now I will set Alice _free!"_

He pointed his Kiburado at Alice's cage.

"Key laser, go!" he shouted, as it shot out of his mighty weapon, freeing Alice from her cage. She ran up to Sora, giving him a great big hug. He felt slightly uncomfortable, he was only ever used to Riku hugging him.

"Sora, you saved me!"

"It's what any Italian plumber would do, it's no big deal!"

"SEIZE THEEEEEEM!" the now deranged Queen commanded britishly at her cards.

The cards all advanced towards our heroes, and they knew that they had to get away, even though they were literally no threat whatsoever.

"Uhhh couldn't Sora have just done that at the very start?" asked Gooby.

"No time for that, we gotta run!" Dolan replied.

…

Eventually Sora, Alice, Dolan and Gooby made it to the Bizzare Room. But they weren't alone…

The four looked up in horror as they saw a giant Heartless walking around the room, humming to himself happily. It was a weird…spider…pole…thing, which had mostly red and black painted over it's body. Once he heard the four coming, he looked down at them with a smile on his face…or faces.

"Hey guys!" he greeted. "My name is Trickmaster!"

Sora raised his weapon, ready to defeat the enemy.

"That's not one of the props I'm looking for," said the Trickmaster. "I'm looking for a real weapon for Alice to wield, like an axe or a gun. That's just a toy."

"State your business, foul beast!" Sora demanded.

"Wellllll I'm making a movie, you see. Veeeery high budget, I got all the best actors to join me," he replied excitedly. "I just need to adjust the set a little."

"Oh my, what do mean by adjusting the set?" asked Alice.

"Hmm…how do I put this…this place stinks. It's SO last season. People aren't going to want this! That's why I seriously need to renovate. Like getting rid of this ugly table."

As soon as he said that, Trickmaster stumbled towards the table and smashed it, making it inexplicably disappear for a moment. He then sighed.

"As much as I want to get rid of this damn table, it keeps coming back!" he said. "It mocks my artistic vision by being nothing more than an eyesore!"

"Garwsh, you must really not like dat table."

"It's not just the table, it's so many other things too! Everything is just too cute! Too…too Disney! There's only one thing I can do remedy this situation."

"Go to another franchise?" suggested Sora.

"Cry yourself to sleep at night?" suggested Dolan.

"No, not that. I'm gonna burn this place to the ground."

"WHAT?!" all four of them screamed.

"Yep. Until it all becomes nothing more than a desolate wasteland with no hopes and no dreams! Doesn't that sound FUN?!"

"But why…" asked Alice, close to sobbing. "Why would you burn such a beautiful place like this?"

"Because fire is cool!"

"I'm sure it is, but…what is it that you really want?"

"Well you see miss, I'm working on a dark and gritty live-action movie full of blood, violence, sex, and all that other stuff that children love! That's why I need to turn this place into a dark and edgy post-apocalyptic future setting. I think I'll also retcon Wonderland's very existence, by making it so that it was always called Underland the entire time! It'll be such a huge twist, everyone will love it!"

Sora frowned at the Trickmaster, angry at all the words he was spewing from his mouth….or mouths.

"There's no way we'll let that happen! I won't let you soil Disney's good name by turning one of their most beloved stories into something so…so…wrong!"

"Well what are you gonna do about it huh?" said the Trickmaster confidently. "You may have a fancy toy but I have munny! Lots and _lots_ of it! And there's nothing you can do to stop me."

"Well at least I have proper arms! You just have weird…stair things!"

"Sora, calm down, we got this," Gooby whispered into Sora's ear.

"Dolan and Gooby? But you two can't do anything!" Sora whispered back, ignoring the Trickmaster.

"Hey we can do a lot! We just choose not to," said Dolan.

"Trust me Sora, we know what to do. We've had stuff like dis happen to us before, hyuck!"

"Well…if you say so…"

"Hahahaha! You think that you four can defeat a movie director! You're all nothing but fools!"

"Maybe we can't stop you," Gooby said softly and slowly for dramatic effect. "But we know something that can, hyuck."

" _Copyright laws_ ," said Dolan.

"C-Copyright…?" the Trickmaster repeated, sounding scared for the first time. **The dreaded c word…**

"Dats right. Copyright. You can't make stuff based on Disney projects without going through a bunch of dat legal jargon!" said Gooby.

"Disney controls the entire legal system, pretty much. So yeah, you steal this for your edgy "live-action" movie, you suffer the consequences!" continued Dolan.

"Nooo please! Have mercy!" begged the Trickmaster.

"I'm afraid it's too late. It's already began."

"Wait what has bega-"

His question was answered once he started spontaneously combusting, screaming in an agony as he felt himself burning to ashes.

"Now you're chance to kill it Sora!" said Gooby.

Without hesitation, he rushed towards the dying creature and whacked it with his giant key, letting out an epic battle cry as he did so. Alice couldn't help but woo at the beautiful Japanese boy who entered her life.

"My beautiful, foreign hero…" Alice said to herself dreamily.

Eventually Sora had reduced its HP to 0, ending the battle and destroying the evil movie director once and for all. Never again will he make dark and edgy live action movies based on previously existing franchises.

As Alice was finally safe, she hugged Sora again which took him by surprise.

"Oh thank you! Thank you so much!"

"Y-you're welcome…" Sora replied, still feeling rather uncomfortable. "I'm afraid we can't stay though, this is only the first world! I have way more boss battles to win and villains to defeat!"

So the three immediately left, leaving Alice all alone in a room where Heartless gather, and one that was way too close to the Queen's courtyard. The fact that she was a fugitive now didn't help. Not to mention that it's scientifically proven that if females in gaming are left on their own for even a second, they have a very high chance of getting kidnapped.

Yep. Sora has definitely made her life _way_ better.

…

As Sora, Dolan and Gooby walked towards the Gummi Ship, Dolan asked, "do you think we'll ever come back to this world?"

Sora smiled and patted Dolan on the head, which made him purr a little.

"No," was Sora's reply.


	10. Episode 10 - Forecast: Hot and Cloudy

"OOOH IT'S OLYMPUS COLISSEUM!" Sora screamed in anticipation.

"Please don't start..." muttered Dolan under his breath.

"THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"

"How long have we even been travelling?" Dolan asked out of curiosity.

"Garwsh, uhhh...what's 358 divided by 2?"

"Never mind."

"I can't wait to explore the vast and beautiful world of ancient Greece! I don't even think it could all fit into a PS2!" Sora said gleefully.

Sora was right. There was literally only three maps in this world.

"LET US EXPLORE THIS VAST, AND BEAUTIFUL WORLD! TALLY-HO!"

As Sora and Gooby ran towards the coliseum full of hope and optimism, Dolan just watched cynically while facepalming hard.

"Sometimes I just want to kill them both and steal their pants," said Dolan to himself, enjoying the messed up thoughts spiralling around in his head.

...

 _Meanwhile, at the Villains Vale...wait I don't remember this scene in the original KH. What gives?!_

...

Maleficent was spying on Sora through her magical omniscient blue screen thing. Because she could do that. Riku was also there, never taking his eyes off Sora's beautiful body.

 _Dammit. I really wish Maleficent would let me watch some anime or something. That's my next order of business when I take over her position and rule the world with Sora on my side. Get more anime._

 _Sora..._

As Riku watched Sora prance around like a mentally deluded idiot in Olympus Coliseum, he suddenly imagined Sora being his sexy knight in shining armour, riding on a horse bareback and bare-chested. Riku would be the damsel in distress, the princess locked in the tower, and Sora would be his saviour. Sora and his spiky chocolate hair, his gorgeous skinny body...wait, what if Sora had muscles? Big, _hard_ muscles...ah yes...

Riku tried his hardest to hide the deep shade of red on his face, and the fact that he might end up drooling over his fantasies. After all, he had to keep his tough guy facade around the forces of evil.

"...Riku!" boomed Maleficent.

"SORA! I mean...yes?"

Maleficent merely sighed at her son's incompetence.

"Did you not hear a word I just said?!"

"Yes. I just didn't care enough to keep them in my head."

She then frowned, clearly his progress was going slower than she anticipated.

"That comeback was terrible boy! Just for that, no dinner tonight."

"Awwww but you promised me pudding!" Riku whined.

"I also promised that this would be a decent place to live. That was also a lie."

...

 _Meanwhile, back to the plot..._

...

"HEY! HEY PHIL!" Sora screamed in joy.

"Hey Herc, good timing...wait...why do ya sound like someone who aint a hero?"

Sora froze as he heard Phil talk.

"I gotta get ready for da gaaaaaaaaaaaaymes."

He summoned his toy key.

"C'mon Herc, answer your boy Phil 'ere!"

"... _You're not Phil."_

"Wait what?"

Sora frowned, this wasn't the Phil he knew and loved. Something was very wrong here.

"You're not the real Phil!"

"Hey of course I'm the real Phil! You doubting me here Herc?"

"The real Phil doesn't sound like that at all! You're just a phony, a fake, an impostor!"

"Hey I could say that you're a Herc imposter with dat whiny Japanese voice of yours, I dunno what yer on about!"

"The **DARKNESS!** seems to have replaced the real Phil with an evil clone! This is terrible!" Sora lamented.

"Garwsh Sora, I don't think clones are real."

"Of course there's not, there's only multiple versions of each and every one of us spread across the expanding multiverse of global entertainment," said Dolan.

"So...could this be another Phil?" Sora questioned.

 _Oh my...what if there are more about Dolan's out there? What if there are more Gooby's out there? What if there are more_ _ **me's**_ _about there? Surely I'm the only the main character in this jrpg, right?_ Sora questioned as he was close to having an existential crisis. _I mean there was that one boy from 10 years ago who seems to be connected to my heart or something, but surely he was just an NPC like everyone else..._

"Look I don't know what you're on about Herc but I gotta get ready for da gaaaaaaaaaaaaaymes so if you could just-"

He turned around, and instead of seeing Hercules, he saw the little wimp known as Sora. The Sora that couldn't even lift a rock. Literally, Riku did all his heavy lifting for him when they both worked as Kairi's slaves. Not that Riku minded because he loved showing off his strength and physique.

"This here's Olympus Coliseum, heroes only," said Phil. "And I got my hands full preparing for da gaaaaaaaaaaaaaymes so run along pipsqueaks."

"Hey, I am not a pipsqueak, no matter how many times Kairi insults me for my lack of masculinity!"

"You look more like a man's man than an actual man," said Phil.

"That's mean!" Sora whined. "But I'm the main character who's destined to beat this PS2 jrpg game and save the Disney worlds from **DARKNESS!** and live happily ever after in a giant castle with my handsome prince forever and ever!"

"What about us? We're heroes too!" Dolan and Gooby interjected simultaneously.

...

There was a moment of silence.

...

Then the trio started to burst out laughing uncontrollably, almost falling on the floor.

"That's the funniest joke I've ever heard! You two, actually being heroes!" Sora tried saying in-between laughs.

"Garwsh, I know right?! Like that'll ever happen!" said Gooby as he laughed with him.

Even Dolan was laughing, almost laughing as hard as people usually do when they read a parody fanfic of a popular video game.

"Yeah, we are pretty useless!"

Phil just watched.

 _Seriously, who are these clowns?_ Phil thought to himself.

He stared at both of them disapproving them, crossing his arms to hide the fact that he's just a really short little man.

"Seriously, who are you clowns?" Phil asked the three morons.

"My name is Ventus! ...I mean, Sora! Yeah it's Sora."

"Hyuck, I'm Gooby!"

"And I'm a ** _hero_**!"

The trio immediately burst out laughing once again, annoying Phil.

...

"Now if you wanna be a hero, you gotta have certain skills," Phil recited, teaching Sora how to become a true hero (because lets face it, Sora at least some potential, but Dolan and Gooby are hopeless). "It's not just brains, or intelligence dat you need in the heat of battle, but you also gotta have **_smarts_**."

"Umm...I usually just mash the X button, that works for me!"

Now it was Phil's turn to burst out laughing.

"The X button? Seriously? What a wimp. **_Real_** heroes mash the triangle button. But that's probably too advanced for a runt like you. We gotta take baby steps."

Sora became excited at the thought of being challenged, and summoned his toy key.

"What are we gonna do then? Beat down Heartless? Save princesses? Battle a god?!" asked Sora as he was foaming out of the mouth a little from all the excitement.

"No, we're gonna be doing something much worse. To be a hero you must know how to..."

Pause for dramatic effect.

"HIT. BARRELS."

"Hit...barrels?"

"Yeah. Three words. Hit. _Barrels."_

Sora was immediately disappointed. He was a main character! He wanted to beat stuff up, not play a pointless minigame. Not even if said minigame actually did involve beating stuff up.

"Are ya sure you can handle it?" Phil asked, actually genuinely concerned for Sora's safety.

"Sure I can! I mean it's just barrels and a time limit...for some reason. What could possibly go wrong?

...

 _2 seconds later._

...

Sora laid on the ground, bloodied, bruised, and twitching.

"How...the barrels...how did they _do_ that...? I mean...I just...didn't even move and they just...it hurts so much... _so much pain..."_

Phil just sighed in disappointment.

"Yeah you aint a hero ," he told Sora as he was whimpering like a bitch for a mommy on the ground while he was experiencing severe mental and physical pain. "Two words. You suck."

...

As Sora stormed off being all pissed off (thanks to his main character powers, even the deepest wounds heal once he enters the next submap) with Dolan and Gooby, he kept lamenting over the fact that he was beaten by a bunch of BARRELS. Friggin barrels! What kind of jrpg was Sora even the main character of?

"Hyuck, don't feel down Sora! You put up a pretty good fight back dere!"

"Yeah! And to me you were definitely a hero! ...For two seconds."

Sora looked down at the ground, maybe this was one of those chapters where he angsts about stuff and experience character development.

"Maybe he's right...maybe I do suck."

"I don't think you suck that much!" said Gooby.

"And I'm sure that you'd be great at sucking!" said Dolan.

"...I instantly feel better now!" said Sora, smiling happily.

Ok, maybe not.

"Rather a stubborn old goat, wouldn't you say?~" a familiar voice said behind our three heroes.

Sora knew who it was, and he immediately summoned his Kiburado.

"Hades!"

"Sora."

"Hades!"

"Sora!"

"Hades..."

"Achoo!" went Hades as he somehow sneezed.

"Excuse you. Anyway…wait, how do you know my name?"

"Not important. You want to enter the games right?"

"I know what you're trying to do Hades! I won't fall for your tricks!"

"What, me? Trying to trick you? Of course not fuzz boy, I'm just trying to help a friend out, and isn't friendship like the best thing in the world or something?"

"You have a point there…"

"Now, I know you wanna get revenge on those barrels right?"

"YES! More than anything!" said Sora desperately.

Hades creepily placed one hand on Sora's back, while in his other hand, a ticket appeared.

"Well here's a pass. You can also use it to get 25% off all things that murder."

"Garwsh Sora, are you sure you could trust him?" Gooby whispered.

"I don't trust him, I'm just doing what he wants to gain his trust, and then I'll betray him after he betrays me," Sora quietly replied.

"You do realize I can hear everything you're saying right." said Hades.

"This is all an illusion! You didn't see aaaaaaanything," Dolan replied spookily.

Dolan backed away slowly for dramatic effect, acting like a ghost for some reason.

"Aaaaaaaaaanythiiiiiiiiiiiiing~"

 _Heh, this is too easy,_ Hades thought.

"Good luck anyway! I'm pulling for ya, little shorty. Oh, and by the way I'm totally not evil."

"Yeah, I know you're not evil. _Definitely_ not evil at all."

"Yep, you can trust me shorty! Aint got an evil bone in my body."

"Oh don't worry. I completely trust you Hades, ruler of the Underworld!"

"That's a good little fuzz face."

"Hahahaha."

"Hahahaha."

"Hahahaha."

"Hahahaha."

They both continued laughing at each other in a completely fake way, while frowning at each other at the same time, each side knowing that the other side was up to no good. Then there was a moment of silence.

"…Garwsh."

…

 ** _AND NOW, FINALLY, IT IS THE MOMENT THAT ALL OF US HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!_**

Ansem materialized into the scene, laughing evilly and crossing his arms like a badass.

"Yes! Finally it is time to make my debut! IT IS I, ANSEM, THE SEEKER OF DA-"

Shut up Ansem, no one cares about you.

No, the person that we've really been waiting for is…

 **CLOUD.**

…

There he was.

Slowly but sexily walking towards the horizon, making fangirls (and fanboys) wet all over. His sexiness radiated across the whole arena, even Phil wished he had genitals so he could think about Cloud while doing unspeakable things.

His angst, his broodiness, his emo-ness is something I, the author, can only ever dream of having. He is simply too dark, hot and sexy for anyone to even match his beauty. His very existence is one that is above us all.

And he **_knows_** it. He knows that he radiates that aura of angst and sexiness, truly it was too powerful to resist. Except for Dolan and Gooby, they were somehow immune.

Sora was completely under his spell though.

The moment he saw Cloud, in his new outfit with that cool cape and all, he almost exploded from the sheer amount of fanboying he was about to do.

He said nothing however. There was nothing to be said.

The important thing was that he was in the presence of Cloud.

Friggin CLOUD.

The main character of Final Fantasy 7, the game that everyone loved, and the only Final Fantasy game that anyone will ever love, ever!

Sora was so close to drooling, and with his wobbling knees he thought he was going to collapse.

"Cloooooooud…" Sora moaned.

Cloud just sighed.

"What."

Sora started breathing heavily like a stalker that spy on people getting changed through binoculars.

"Hiiiiiiiii Cloooooooud~"

Cloud just remained silent and he was about to walk away.

Sora couldn't let him leave though. Not yet.

Sora clung onto Cloud as hard as he could like he was a leech, never letting go. What he lacked in physical strength, was made up for in determination.

"…Please let go," said Cloud calmly.

"B-but…you're…you're CLOUD!" said Sora dreamily.

"Sure I am."

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaah~"

"Could you stop breathing on my chest."

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaah~"

"…Please."

Dolan and Gooby watched from behind the scenes while Phil was too busy admiring Cloud's beauty. They noticed that when he was around Cloud, Sora seemed very… _different._ Sora was completely red in the face, acting overly seductive, basically being the exact opposite of a male harem protagonist.

"Garwsh, Sora seems very…different!"

"I just want them to start *bleeping* each other already," said Dolan.

Sora proceeded to smell and lick Cloud's just as he was still clinging onto him, refusing to let go.

"You smell delicious~" Sora said seductively, purring a little.

"Ok."

"Can…can I touch you…?"

"No."

"But…but I want to touch you all over…! Give me your giant Buster Sword!"

"I said no."

Cloud managed to pick up Sora by his spiky hair and place him back on the ground, which Sora blush even more.

Sora started to pant a little as he felt feelings that he couldn't understand and never had any experience before. And he _loved_ it.

"Oh Cloud…you're the most beautiful Squaresoft protagonist I've ever seen~"

"Go away."

"I never appreciated how beautiful you were back then with those limited polygon graphics, but now…now I know how…how _handsome_ you are~"

"Seriously, go away."

"Can I have your babies Cloud?"

"Not in a million years."

Sora wasn't even sure what he was doing or why he was doing it, but he found himself trying…and failing to get his clothes off. You can't exactly blame him though, he hasn't changed his clothes in years since jrpg protagonists don't need to.

Cloud just sighed again.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to take my clothes off but I don't know how!" Sora whined.

"…Wow."

Sora then smiled seductively, blushing even more than he already was.

"C-could you…could you _help_ me take them off Cloud?"

Cloud just stared at Sora for a moment. He had met many fangirls who had stripped for him while he cosplayed as Cloud, but Sora seemed different somehow. Mostly because he was just a little boy, and he was pretty sure that he shouldn't even be here. Where were his parents? They must be worried sick wherever they are.

"No thanks. Goodbye."

As Cloud began to leave, Sora's eyes were filled with tears.

"NOOOO! COME BACK, MY LOVE! YOU STILL HAVEN'T RAVISHED ME UNDER THE PALE MOONLIGHT YET!"

Sad music began to play as Sora's idol walked away, and Sora's inner fanboy was weeping. Sora himself was also weeping. He kneeled on the ground, holding his hands out in the hopes that Cloud would finally hold them.

"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THESE DONALD AND GOOFY IMPERSONATORS! THEY'RE COMPLETELY USELESS IN BATTLE!"

Dolan frowned, feeling completely pissed off.

Cloud glanced at Sora one more time, gazing into his longing eyes.

"I have things to do. Goodbye."

Sora gave up. He knew that Cloud wasn't coming back. He was no longer feeling intense arousal, all he felt was sadness.

"Cloud…"

Suddenly, a giant paw squashed Cloud.

Sora gasped and summoned his Kiburado, Dolan and Gooby doing nothing behind him as always. Phil conveniently fell asleep during the whole fiasco.

It was the Cerberus! That could only mean one thing…

 _Hades._

No, not the real Hades. The Disney one.

Speak of the devil…(literally)

"Hey there! So yeah, there's been a sliiiight change of plan. I was gonna make a really long and convoluted xanatos gambit involving you entering the games and Phil turning into a real boy and Cloud eating a poison apple, buuuut I decided it would be best if I just killed you all. Have fun dying! I'll see you there."

"…You," Sora muttered darkly.

"Hey I have a name you know fuzz boy."

"…You hurt Cloud."

"What can I say? Accidents happen."

Sora walked up towards Hades and the Cerberus, his rage had finally been awakened.

 _"I will make you pay."_

Hades couldn't help but laugh at the little runt. To think, that a scrawny kid like him had a chance against a God and his pet.

"Oh really? What are you gonna do? **_Hug_** us to death?"

 _…_

 _2 seconds later_

 _…_

Hades and Cerberus laid on the ground, bloodied, bruised, and twitching.

Sora had won.

He may have been weak, but no one, and I repeat, **_no one_** messes with a fanboy and lives.

"Good job Sora!" said Gooby.

"For once you didn't suck!" said Dolan.

Sora smiled at his two best friends. Today, he had truly proved to Phil that he was in fact a hero and not just a runt. Today was his moment of triumph, the day he would finally be recognized by all the NPC's as a great main character, and-

"DO NOT WORRY!" Hercules screamed as he suddenly appeared. "I, THE GREAT HERCULES, WILL SAVE YOU ALL FROM..."

He glanced at the Cerberus, and he saw that he was already defeated.

"...Never mind."

Phil coincidentally woke up just when Hercules arrived. He was shocked that so much had happened while he was conveniently sleeping. He couldn't help but wonder why he always slept during the important stuff.

"Wait what, what happened while I was asleep? ...Cerberus? It attacked? And you defeated it? Heh, I knew you had it in ya."

"Really?!" asked Sora, excited to finally get some recognition.

"Good job Herc!"

"I guess I really am a true hero...wait what."

"Indeed, I was the one who beat the Cerberus!" said Hercules. "I did it all by myself, with no help whatsoever!"

Sora was pissed.

"B-But...I was the one who beat the Cerberus! Right Gooby? Dolan? You saw it right?"

"Actually we weren't watching, hyuck!"

"I was dreaming about pants."

He couldn't believe it. He accomplished something big and no one gave him recognition for it. Was this...what hurt felt like? It was like he lost a bunch of his HP, but it was his hearts HP instead of his actual HP.

"Ha! As if a runt like you could beat that thing. You couldn't even beat a bunch of barrels!"

Sora couldn't even fight anymore and he just looked down at the ground. At least Dolan and Gooby then tried to comfort him. They may have been heartless bastards, but they weren't monsters.

"Awww don't feel bad Sora! You'll be a hero once you come back and beat dem secret bosses!"

"Sora, stop being a whiny whiner plz."

Sora smiled as he looked up at the sky.

"It's ok guys. I just need to remember that none of this is real!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, this is all just part of a jrpg! We're all just ones and zeros! We're all just code, data, whatever you want to call it."

"I don't think that-"

"Even you two. All just ones and zeroes! And I...I am the _main character_! The one who'll defeat the **DARKNESS!** and save the universe! So what's the point of getting worked up over pointless filler and feelings? That won't help me beat the game at all. I can't stray from my purpose, no matter what."

"Huh...well as long as you're ok then I guess, hyuck!"

"Hey what happened to Cloud? Not that I care or anything." asked Dolan.

He was nowhere to be found. Now Sora had another reason to be sad. His hopes went up though once he found a note on the ground. And it was Cloud's!

It said:

 _You're creepy. Please stay away from me._

 _-Cloud._

Sora was close to fanboying again, and thinking of Cloud made him...what was the word? Happy? Aroused? Yeah it was probably aroused.

"He...he noticed me! He noticed meeeee!"

"Garwsh, this is great Sora!"

"Someday..." Sora said to himself excitedly. "Someday I will see him again, and he'll touch me everywhere, even in places that shouldn't be touched!"

"I can't blame you for being attracted to that emo kid," said Dolan. "He is really dreamy, and his pants are so hot..."

"Especially when he's all dark and brooding...it's _so_ attractive. It kinda reminds me of a certain someone...ah well, LET'S GO TO OTHER WORLDS!"

"YAY!" said Dolan and Gooby simultaneously.

 _..._

 _Meanwhile..._

 _..._

Riku had been sitting there, watching the whole thing.

To say he was heartbroken was an understatement.

It was like Sora had grabbed his heart out of his chest and stomped on it. He wanted to cry but he couldn't because of his tough guy facade.

The sadness he felt was overwhelming, everything he had just witnessed was just eating him up inside. Seeing Sora with his two new friends, being all happy together, it was sickening.

Riku was Sora's friend. **Not** them. He couldn't handle the thought of him being replaced by...whatever those things were. He was Sora's only friend, that was how it's been, and that's how it should always be.

Forgotten...unloved...unwanted...

He was all that and more.

All this time he had hoped that Sora loved him...but then he realized that he only has eyes for fictional characters from those dumb Final Fantasy games. The way he stared at Cloud...the way he lusted after him...

Did Riku get any of that? Of course not.

It made him sick. It made him sick to his stomach. How was he even supposed to compete with a person that's not even ** _real_**?

When was it Riku's turn to finally get some love?

Would that time ever come?

Despite all the negative emotions coming from unrequited love and so much more, only one name was spiralling around in Riku's head, and it wouldn't go away.

 _Sora..._


	11. Episode 11 - Shallow Jungle

**A/N: Sorry that this chapter is so late. QAQ I've been really busy these days.**

Sora was falling.

After a fight between him and Dolan (Sora forgot what it was but it was probably about pants), Dolan decided that the only logical way to proceed was to kill him. At first he wanted to kill him with fire, but it turned out that he sucked at magic.

So he decided to push him overboard.

There was something that Dolan didn't foresee however. This was a cutscene. And in cutscenes, Sora couldn't be harmed since his HP didn't go down. This meant that Sora's suffering was completely painless, he wasn't hurt at all even when he fell face first into a familiar looking tree house.

Once Sora got back on his feet only one thing crossed his mind.

"Yay that was so fun! I wanna do that again!"

He wasn't alone, however.

A sabertooth tiger was waiting to devour the unsuspecting boy. It was nothing to worry about, because he's definitely no Shere Khan. Oh, and because of the whole cutscene thing.

It growled menacingly, which made Sora be alert, raising his Kiburado for protection. I mean he didn't really have anything else to defend himself with.

"W-who's there?"

The growling became louder, which made Sora even more worried.

"I warn you, I have a giant toy key and I'm not afraid to use it! ...I really wish I had a gunblade or a buster sword but the floating text was like noooo you don't get that, you get a key, even the name sounds lame! At least it has been helpful with battling the forces of **DARKNESS!** but it's still a shame that I don't get to have all those cool and epic weapons that all the other Final Fantasy characters have especially since I also have a main character status and-"

Tired of Sora's rambling, the tiger then attacked. Thankfully because it was a cutscene, it was all in slow motion and Sora wasn't in any real danger.

Wow...this is taking a surprisingly long time, Sora thought to himself, starting to get a little bored. If he was about to die, he'd rather that the tiger got it over with already. It was a really cool scene though.

And suddenly, as if right on cue, the slow motion was over and Tarzan stabbed the tiger, killing it.

 _Dammit...even Tarzan has a cooler weapon than me..._ Sora thought to himself sadly.

Wait…

That was Tarzan!

"OH MY GOD IT'S YOU IT'S REALLY TARZAN I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S REALLY YOU!"

"Me Tarzan. Me love Clayton."

Clayton...oh no, that was the villain in the Tarzan movie, the one who tried to kill the gorillas!

He had to save Tarzan from his untimely fate.

But wait…

Wouldn't this be considered... _ **meddling**_ in the affairs of other worlds?! Something that could damage the world border and end the universe as we know it?!

Eh, surely it wouldn't do any harm.

"No, Clayton baaaad," said Sora nice and slowly, hoping Tarzan would understand.

"Me bad boy. Me need punishment."

"Oh no, has Clayton used the forces of **DARKNESS!** To bend you against your will?!"

"Darknes...Riku...darkness…"

"Wait what?!"

Sora felt offended at Tarzan's accusation, putting his hand over where his heart was supposed to be.

"That's ridiculous! He's my best friend and an amazing person! I know him better than anyone else, he'd never work for the side of evil!"

 _Meanwhile…_

" **I AM RIKU, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL! SOON, ALL WORLDS WILL FALL INTO EVERLASTING DESPAIR AND AGONY, AND I, RIKU, WILL HAVE TOTAL DOMINANCE OVER ALL! DEFIANCE IS POINTLESS, JOIN ME OR DIE! MWAHAHAHA-*cough**cough*OhgodIthinkIjustswallowedabug*cough*cough*"**

Maleficent sighed as Riku kept coughing (plot twist: he didn't swallow a bug, 'twas just his imagination), feeling especially embarrassed as all the other Disney villains were watching over them, laughing at his futile attempts.

"So...umm...how did I do?" Riku asked with a faux innocence, rubbing the back of his head with his hand.

"Pathetically, as always. How are you going to strike fear into the hearts of man with that pathetic monologue?"

"I'd grow into an old hag like you but I think I'd have to wait a few decades for that to happen."

Maleficent resisted the urge to kill the boy where he stood as the Disney villains were now laughing at her too.

 _Back to the plot…_

"What makes you think Riku could be evil?" Sora asked, as if such a thing was completely implausible.

"Author tell me Riku bad?"

"What is an author?" Sora asked.

"Not Ienzo, not Ienzo."

"That...doesn't tell me much. Ok, never mind, do you know where Riku is now?"

"Riku is where Riku is."

"Yes but where is he?"

"%#& £#"

"...What?"

"%#& £#"

"Oh, you're speaking in monkey. I need to speak in English. English."

"Me encanta la salsa."

"...Are those even _words_?"

"%#& £#"

"Oh come on, why can't you just tell me already?!" Sora shouted, starting to get frustrated.

Suddenly, for no reason at all, Sora start to have hallucinations of Kairi being her usual bitchy self.

 _Seriously Sora, why can't you just get the *bleep* FISH ALREADY? ISN'T IT YOUR_ _ **JOB**_ _TO SERVE ME?!_

"B-But they're slippery and water levels in gaming are really frustrating!" Sora screamed to himself, trembling like he was close to his death bed, all of which left Tarzan really perplexed.

 _SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR FRIGGIN GAMES AND GET BACK TO YOUR LIFE OF HARD PHYSICAL LABOUR. ISN'T THAT WHAT FRIENDS DO FOR OTHER FRIENDS? PAINFUL, LIFE-THREATING CHORES FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF OTHERS?!_ _ **ISN'T IT?!**_

"I-I know...I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

And just like that, Kairi was gone. Sora felt truly relieved, like his free from his burdens with her absence.

That was strange...he thought that he and Kairi were friends. And he was the main character, someone with no feelings who did pointless quests for others for the sake of reward.

So what was that feeling he had experienced? Something told Sora that maybe deep down, he didn't hold Kairi to such a high esteem as he thought he had done all this time…

But enough character development for now, let's move on.

"Are you hurt?!"

"Of course not. I'm the main...I mean, yeah, I'm fine."

"Us friends, us friends."

"Well…" Sora started eyeing Tarzan for a moment, especially his chest. "You're definitely no Riku, and your hair needs some work, but sure! Now, take me to Clayton so I can put an end to him."

"%#& £#"

Sora just nodded while saying uh-huh, pretending to understand what he means.

…

After a minigame that was actually kinda cool, Sora made it to the camp site, full of boxes and tents that literally had no purpose whatsoever. Not to mention it looked very disorganized. And he could only imagine how many annoying mosquitoes and such would prey on whoever was staying here. Thankfully, everything was just PS2 models so there was nothing too detailed.

Welcome to Deep Jungle!

 _...The worst Kingdom Hearts world._

After beating up some Heartless, Sora entered the tent where he found his two lost friends. One of which wasn't his friend anymore after their big fight.

...Dolan and Gooby.

They just stood there, giving their infinite stare at Jane with their big 'ole eyes and their emotionless expression. They were like statues with eyes, and Jane felt really unnerved to the point where she was afraid to even move.

Sora was a forgiving person, one could say even too much. However, this time...he still forgave them.

"Hey guys!" he said gleefully, like he had just been reunited with them after so long. Jane let out a sigh of relief as their focus was no longer on her.

"Hyuck, it's Sora!" said Gooby as he proceeded to hug Sora, and Sora hugged him back with full force.

"I know that we'll never be apart, and we'll always be beeest...Gooby?"

Gooby wouldn't let go of Sora. It had been a while since the hug was started, and now it had long overstayed it's welcome.

"Umm, Gooby II think it's time to let go now."

He didn't let go.

"Really Gooby, hugs don't last this long."

He still didn't let go.

"...I _**love**_ hugs," Gooby whispered seductively.

The hug only lasted a few seconds but it felt like an eternity and Sora was relieved once he managed to break away. Something about that hug felt really uncomfortable, but he couldn't put his finger on why.

Sora then looked at Dolan, who had his back turned away from Sora.

"Hey, what did I even do wrong?" Sora asked. A perfectly reasonable question, to which Dolan replied:

"Incomprehensible duck noises."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I SAID I AM MAKING INCOMPREHENSIBLE DUCK NOISES!"

"Hyuck, but Dolan, you aren't actualy making dem duck noises, you're just saying that you are!"

"Shut up Gooby."

"Hey, at least I actually fight!" Sora rebutted.

"I fight! ...When it's convinient for me."

"You never even heal me! And you're supposed to be the healer!"

"Well MAYBE if you adjusted your settings, I'd be more useful!"

"Come on, this isn't just some GAME where I can a change your AI!" screamed Sora, not realizing what he had just said.

"Here's a game for you. Your hair is dumb."

Sora gasped from shock at his offensive comment.

"Hey, it takes forever to get my hair this spiky in the morning! If I'm gonna be the main character of a jrpg, I need to look the part!"

"Exactly."

Sora was losing this battle, like with boss battles, he needed to hit Dolan in his weak spot at full force.

" _ **At least I wear pants."**_

…

There was a moment of silence. Gooby was awestruck. Jane was just watching, afraid for her life since all these crazy people had entered her tent without consent.

Dolan burst into tears, crying like a little bitch which made Sora instinctively run up to him and try to comfort him.

"I-I'm sorry! I crossed the line, I shouldn't had said something so awful!"

Dolan kept crying.

"I...I could have give you munny if you want! I heard people love that stuff, and I can just beat up Heartless to get more!"

He immediately stopped crying, and excitedly awaited his prize.

"How much?"

"Uh...I only have 10000 right now. Is that enough?"

Dolan started drooling at the thought of all that munny. Maybe he could afford the surgery he needed to turn back into Donald! And then...then...he could wear _pants_ again.

"OkokIforgiveyoujustgimmethemunny," he rasped desperately, like an addict who needed more drugs.

Sora complied, giving him his savings.

"I instantly forgive you."

"Yay! I'm so glad we're friends!" Sora said naively.

"Yeah sure whatever."

Sora then realized that Jane was around. How rude of them to just barge into her tent uninvited! Then Sora remembered that all main characters did this, so surely it would all be alright in the end.

Jane took a step back, afraid for her life.

"Who...who are you people?"

"I'm Sora! And those are my memes!"

"You...you look like you're from Japan. Isn't that the place that's obsessed with tentacles and robots?"

"Nah, I'm from Destiny Islands. It's full of Japanese people though!"

On the inside, Sora couldn't help but sigh. _Everyday I wish I was actually Japanese..._ Sora thought to himself.

"Where are you from?" Sora asked Jane.

"Oh...well, I'm glad you asked. I am from the great country of Britannica! Long live the queen!"

"Isn't that where you have cups of tea and people have those poofy black hats and red jackets?"

"Well...I guess you could say that. Are those... _things_ Japanese?" Jane asked frightenedly as she pointed at Dolan and Gooby.

"We were made in a factory by Nazis so I'm not sure, hyuck!"

"When I was born, the first thing that I was told was that I was useless."

"I see…"

Jane had to find a way to distract the three foreigners and get them out of her tent. The study of gorillas were important to her, but right now she was stuck with people who were potentially dangerous. She'd get her pepper spray, but she was afraid that if she did that they might summon their tentacles.

What to do,,,ah yes, a distraction!

"I...I seem to have lost some important slides in the jungle," Jane lied, hoping that they would buy it. "Could you...get them for me?"

There was a moment of silence as Sora processed what Jane had said.

"If it's not too much trouble that is…"

Sora kneeled down onto the floor, and started shaking his fists as he gazed up to the rooftop of the tent.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed in pure sadness and agony.

Jane was even more afraid, his mental health didn't seem to be in order at all.

"Really, you don't have to."

"No, no, it's fine," said Sora dramatically and over the top, placing his hand on his heart. "I am the main character, I was burdened with this task since the very beginning. And so, regardless of my own personal wants and needs, I shall do whatever fetch-quests is given to me. After all, it is all for the sake of game progression, it is something that cannot be avoided. If I am to ever be like the main characters in Final Fantasy that I have idolized all my life...I must lead by _example_. So that I will inspire future generations, and they can all follow in my footsteps!"

Gooby couldn't help but shed a tear at Sora's heartwarming speech. Jane on the other hand was even more confused.

"Garwsh...dat be the most bootiful speech me ears had ever heard."

And so, to Jane's relief, they had finally left the tent. Sora had to embark on yet ANOTHER fetch-quest. Because apparently this game loved those. It reminded him of back when he was Kairi's slave during his youth, but he thought that maybe that fall he had a while back might have made him forget some stuff. Like whoever that boy with blond hair was from ten years ago.

…

But as they left the tent, they ran into Tarzan and Clayton.

Because that's the villain everyone wanted to fight in Kingdom Hearts.

Friggin CLAYTON.

No wonder Maleficent didn't invite him to be in her super secret and exclusive villains club.

"Now Tarzan, say those lines again."

"Spank me harder, spank me harder."

"Oooh yes. I like that~"

With a smirk on his face, Clayton took out his big, fat, hard…

Camera.

He then started to record Tarzan, laughing to himself like he was some kind of comedic genius.

"Say it again Tarzan!"

"Spank me harder, spank me harder."

Clayton couldn't contain his he was recording, amused at his little joke that's been in the making for quite some time.

"I'm going to show this to _everyone_ back home, this is hilarious!"

"CLAYTON!"

Both Clayton and Tarzan were shocked at Sora's sudden arrival.

"I _knew_ you were up to no good!"

"Me? I have not done anything I tell you, I am innocent!"

"That's not true! I saw the movie where you try to kill all those gorillas!"

"Nonsense! I don't even care about the gorillas! I only came here to cut down this entire jungle and turn it into a huge chain of factories, honest!"

Sora frowned.

"You act like you're innocent but I don't believe you!"

"Me? Lie? Preposterous."

"Why are you holding that gun?"

"It's...to make me look more manly," Clayton admitted.

"And probably to compensate for something," whispered Dolan.

"Then why is your jacket covered in _blood_ , huh?"

"We had jam tarts for supper."

Sora knew what Clayton was trying to do...acting all innocent, like he didn't do anything wrong. But Sora was smart, he could easily see through his facade.

He summoned his Kiburado, ready to fight.

"No longer will you hurt these gorillas, I will be the one to slay you! ...Is what I would say, if I didn't have to go on a fetch-quest now."

Sora backed away, his Kiburado still in his hand and his gaze still firmly placed on Clayton.

"You may think you're safe now...BUT! I will return! When you least expect it...I'll be there! In the brightest day, in the darkest night...I! SORA! Will put an end to your miserable existence! I just need to get a few slides first but **then** death will rain upon you! Ok maybe not since I don't know how to cast Doom but **regardless** , you will FEAR me! I will be there as soon as I am done, ready to defeat you in an epic battle of wits! For I! SORA! Will-"

"Garwsh, should we go with Sora to get dem slides?" Gooby asked his partner in crime as Sora kept rambling while backing away into the next map step by step.

"Nah, he'll be fine on his own," Dolan replied.


	12. Episode 12 - The Not Jungle Book

**A/N: Ever since I posted that last chapter I realized that I made a mistake and I would like to correct myself.**

 **Deep Jungle is not the worst Kingdom Hearts world.**

 **That honour goes to KH2 Atlantica.**

 **My personal bias towards DJ is from the fact that I kept going back and forth not knowing what to do, and then once I DID figure it out...I had to keep going back and forth anyway, it got annoying the first time I played it. XD**

…

It was Sora's time to shine. It was his time to save the world by doing what only he could do.

COLLECT THE SLIDES.

Except he couldn't. Because, well, there was none there. But Sora didn't know that. To navigate through this dense jungle he had to do lots of platforming, unfortunately the game's controls didn't really help with that (that was his excuse for being bad at it, and he was sticking to it).

He remembered when he always lost to Riku when it came to anything that wasn't pressing a button on a controller. Sora could at least take comfort in the fact that he is without a doubt the best gamer on Destiny Islands.

Then again he was literally living in one.

"Sliding doooown, to get the sliiiiiides!" Sora sang, which made the birds flying above him drop dead. Singing was never his strong point.

"And my heeeeeeart will go oooooon!"

The wildlife around him started dying, becoming grey and rotten.

"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAAAAAAYS ENJOY PLAYING YOUUUUUUU!"

As he made it to the hippo lagoon, they all screamed (can a hippo even scream) in terror and tried to drown themselves. ANything to block out the sound of Sora's singing, even if it meant knocking on death's door.

Sora sighed as he had no means to get across.

"Awww now how am I supposed to get across?"

Sora then looked directly towards you, hoping to get an answer.

"Do _you_ know how I could get across?" Sora asked you.

…

…

"Hello? Are you there? Ugh, dammit, how does Dora the Explorer do it?! Ah well, I am the main character! I can figure it out on my own."

He felt a little better as he remembered that in every game there is always a way to get across, and that it can't just leave you stuck unless the game was poorly. Then again this game has been one of rather questionable quality, so who knew.

He looked around and he found some vines to climb on.

"Yes! I have found the solution!" he said to himself gleefully. With that he made it to the next map, the treetops.

His next opponent? Vines.

Anxiety suddenly overtook Sora's mind. He couldn't climb ropes let alone swing on vines, and Sora's skinny un-athletic body left a lot to be desired. What if he missed and fell, and severely injured himself? How would he find Riku and save the worlds from **DARKNESS!** if he was on crutches or in a wheelchair?

He then laughed it off as he remembered that he was a video game character and that he wouldn't need to worry about it, doing the impossible only takes a press of a button.

 _Wait..._ Sora thought. _I wonder if there's a button that'll make me fly…_

And so he swung across the vines, until…

 _Come on Sora, you do can do this_ , said Sora to himself as an act of self-motivation. _Just press the button at the right time, and…_

Sora did so, flinging himself at the next vine putting his life on the line.

"I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it!"

And make it he did!

...Not.

…

Sora opened his eyes, feeling no pain whatsoever after that dangerous fall. It was just like when Dolan pushed him out of the Gummi Ship, he actually enjoyed that fall since he was incapable of feeling physical pain outside of battles.

"Ok so I'm not dead...where am I?"

He looked around and he realized that he was sent back to the beginning.

"OH MY GOD THAT'S EVEN WORSE!" Sora whined impatiently, groaning as he desperately just wanted to get to the next submap to find these damn slides.

…

Eventually he bypassed the vines and made to a green and luscious area full of flowers. Since the flowers in Wonderland gave Sora munny in exchange for items (after that Dolan called Sora a prostitute), Sora wondered if the flowers here would do anything interesting too.

He pressed the triangle button to interact with them, wondering what they did. And once he did, it somehow triggered a cutscene.

"You don't know how trapped you are, boy…"

Sora titled his head a little, confused.

"Then why am I the one moving around and you're the one stuck on the ground."

"You think you're so clever with your fancy rhyming. But you belong to the jungle now…"

"Excuse me?"

"All visitors to this place are doomed to wander it's submaps forever, never to return…"

"I can leave anytime I want to though!"

"Foolish boy...as long as you're here, you'll never progress with the main story. You're doomed I tell you. DOOMED!"

"But I'm so close to finding those slides! I can _feel_ it!"

"Tell me though...do the slides really exist?"

"Huh?"

"Are you sure that Jane hasn't sent you on a wild goose-chase?"

"What's a goose?"

"You really are hopeless. No wonder I have to intervene to help you."

"Who are you anyway?"

"I am the author. I have taken the form of this flower to interact with you, a deus ex machina if you will. Because if I didn't, then we'd never actually get anywhere with the story. Don't you know how many games I have yet to cover after this one? What am I saying, of course you don't."

"I don't understand..."

"And you never will. Anyway, Jane is lying to you. There are no slides. She just sent you into the jungle to die so that you would leave her alone."

"That's ridiculous! An NPC would never do that!"

"But that was how I wrote her, dear boy. Anyway, now that we're talking and all, umm...I just want to say that you're adorable. Like, _really_ adorable."

"Uhh...thanks?"

"You're welcome, cutie~ Also if you want you can cast magic on me. It doesn't really do anything but...I don't know I guess it's kinda cool. I should go now anyway and continue writing this chapter. Or look at Sora fanart."

And with that, the flower remained silent, and Sora ended up contemplating about a ot of things.

Who was that talking to Sora just now? Could it be that he knew things about Sora that he himself didn't know. Is he some kind of god?

Jane would never lie to him...would he? She's a Disney character, who are never evil unless they're actually evil. He's been watching Disney movies all his life and Jane doing something like that would be really out of character…

What if Jane is another victim of the darkness? I mean, the **DARKNESS?!**

But what if the author is just trying to mess with his head and she's not actually turned bad at all?

There were so many questions with no answers in sight...but Sora knew what he had to do. He would have to find Jane and confront her. Surely once he did he'd fight the boss of this world and all would be well again immediately afterwards. That's usually how things worked in video games. Yay for violence!

…

Sora finally made it to the tree house. He wanted to explore every inch of the map, but since his jump wasn't high enough he couldn't reach every area. That would mean coming back to this world...or so he thought.

He looked around and he was shocked as the tiger that he killed was still there, covered in blood with flies swarming around it's insides. That's odd...usually when enemies die they leave once you change submaps. How would this even be possible? Not to mention that the wounds were very detailed and realistic. It was as if all of this was actually real.

Anyway, after a mini-game which was kinda cool, Sora did what he seemed to be doing a lot of in this world: falling.

He didn't even bother screaming at this point since this was a regular everyday occurrence for him. In his dreams he even fell upwards, something that he didn't even know was possible.

As always, he miraculously landed on the soles of his oversized shoes, which would probably be very ineffective if you were actually exploring a jungle. He made it back to the campsite, where he could confront Jane and find out the truth. And if necessary, kill her.

"Jane? Jane? Where are you?"

The place was completely deserted. No Heartless, no Jane, and no memes anywhere.

"...Hello? Anyone?"

Still no one. Maybe he needed to backtrack a few more times to trigger the right cutscene?

"Hey...Jane...I don't know if you can hear me. But I was exploring this jungle and then some flower NPC talked to me. He said that you were lying about there being slides, and that you were just trying to get rid of me. Now I don't think that's true, but if it is then the only logical conclusion I can make is that you're evil and I have to kill you."

He continued looking around the campsite, hoping to find someone, anyone really. Maybe they were all just hiding to throw Sora a surprise party? They'd have confetti and balloons and cake and it would be so fun, if Riku was there he'd probably be angsting on his own because he's a socially awkward cutie.

"Hello? Darkness? Come out come out wherever you OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL?!"

Sora was shocked as he saw Jane's dead body lying on the ground, covered in what appeared to be blood…

"Her whole chest seems to be covered in raspberry jam! ...Oh wait, I think she's dead."

Clayton turned towards Sora, surprised at his nonchalant attitude towards the whole thing.

"Maybe she's not dead?"

"I don't know...she seems pretty dead."

Dolan and Gooby suddenly appeared from out of nowhere, observing the situation.

"Garwsh, Jane is dead!" Gooby recapped.

"Shame. She was going to be my wife," Dolan lamented.

Clayton then shot them both in the head, everyone happy that the two most annoying characters in this fanfic are finally dead. However, they were memes, and thus they never died.

"Ouch. That mildly hurt slighty," Dolan mocked.

"I KNEW IT! You were evil all along!" screamed Sora, summoning his weapon.

"Well evil is rather complicated, not everything is all black and white-"

Clayton was interrupted by Tarzan's sudden appereance, who was also ready to fight. And, surprisingly, he actually said human words!

"Not Clayton!"

"...I beg your pardon?"

"Not Clayton! Not Clayton!"

Sora just sighed, placing his hand on his forehead which was covered by his overly spiky hair. Why was it that all his party members had such poor AI? Whoever programmed it should be fired.

"Tarzan, that _is_ Clayton!"

"Not Clayton!"

"Well, if it's not Clayton, then who is it?" asked Sora aggresively, getting frustrated.

To their surprise, Clayton just smirked, spreading his arms villainously and cackling manicially at the sky. Sora was ready to kill, and Tarzan backed away in fear.

"So...you finally have it figured out."

Dark aura started to surround the hunter, and he started to float in the air. Clearly none of these were good signs.

"Your friend is right, Sora. I am _Not Clayton_."

"...What?"

"As I was saying, I am Not Clayton."

"I know, but are you saying that you aren't Clayton or is Not Clayton your na-"

"I AM AN EMISSARY OF THE DARKNESS! I WILL CONSUME THIS WORLD AND ALL WHO INHABIT IT! FEAR ME, AND SUBMIT TO MY WILL!"

His words weren't particularly threatening since this world was pretty much empty with Jane dead. But they still struck fear in Sora's heart, this was his first true trial.

"You'll never win! As long as light prevails, all darkness will be...dammit I forgot what I wanted say!" Sora whined. He had dozens of speeches inspired by shonen anime for the day when he would finally run into a badass supervillain that threatened to destroy the world. That fall he had earlier must have messed with his memories a little. Screw you continuity!

The dark aura around Clayton became even more dark and aura-ish.

"You fools. Soon you shall perish! Once I am done with you the only words that will come out of your mouth will be...none! Because you will be dead! And you will no longer be able to speak! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

The ground began to shake, and the world was slowly beginning to deteriorate around everyone, leaving Sora, Dolan and Gooby in a state of fear and panic.

"Oh no…" whispered Dolan.

"Dolan? What's wrong?"

"This...this is worse than the darkness."

"But Dolan! What could be worse than the **DARKNESS?!** "

" _DISNEY LOST THE RIGHTS TO TARZAN!"_

Sora and Gooby gasped in horror, as Not Clayton laughed villainously in the background.

"Don't you see, Sora? The eternal darkness affects even copyright law, the very thing that binds the worlds together! Not even the most expensive lawyers can undo it's iron-clad regulations!"

"He's right!" Dolan panicked. "We have to get out of here _now!_ "

"I concur! We gotta hightail it outta here, hyuck!"

"B-but, we need to face the **DARKNESS!** I can take it!"

"You fool, if we don't leave here now, we'll dissappear just like this world!"

Sora was very conflicted. He had a job to do, which was to save the world from the darkness. He was bound by it, it was the only thing that gave his existence meaning...if he couldn't do that, what could he do?

But Dolan was right. Everything from this world was being completely erased, almost like it never existed. Sora could feel himself be erased as well, if he was gone then who would take on the task in his place? He was the main character, this was his fight.

He felt terrible about it, but he had no choice but to run away from the wreckage and flee back to the Gummi Ship, hearing Not Clayton's taunting laughs behind him as the world was close to being erased.

Thankfully the three made it out in time, the world itself wasn't so lucky. Because just like that…

It was gone.

Deep Jungle was destroyed, never to return.

Sora had failed.

…

…

The orange robed figure laughed ominously, rubbing his sleeves together. Destroying a world always felt so satisfying. The only thing missing was a suitable body to do it with…

"Ah, Clayton," the figure reminisced. "Unfortunately, your body was incredibly unsatisfying. For a brief possession, it was passable, but I am seeking a more... _permanent_ living space. None of these unattractive common men will ever be enough to fulfill my needs..."

His thoughts wondered off to Riku. That sweet, beautiful boy...he was delectable, from the moment he first met him he wanted nothing more than to enter that godlike body of his. He was truly the perfect candidate. However, now was not the time for that glorious moment. He had to wait and play each card just right to finally get Riku to cooperate.

"With the darkness on my side, my aspirations will finally be realized...Riku. You _will_ be mine. And the darkness shall RULE OVER ALL THINGS! SUBMIT TO IT, SINK INTO THE DARKEST DEPTHS AND WITNESS IT'S INCOMPREHENSIBLE MAJESTY! PRAISE BE TO THE DARKNESS! _**PRAISE BE TO THE DARKNEEEEESS!"**_

"Mommy look!" a child shouted from the distance as the robed figure kept on loudly proclaiming his love towards the darkness. "A weird robed guy is shouting at the sky!"

"This is why you should stay in school," the mother said, keeping her child away from the creepy figure as they both walked away

The robed figure was immediately outraged, offended by her coldness and her rude words. He placed his arms on his hips and continued rambling even after both the child and the mother were gone.

"HEY! YOU WON'T BE SAYING THAT ONCE THE DARKNESS TAKES YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES! AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THERE **WERE** NO SCHOOLS WHERE I GREW UP! SO THERE! Ugh, I hope the darkness feasts on your organs first."


	13. Episode 13 - The XIIIth Heartbreak

RIKU'S POV

 _The beautiful night sky of Traverse Town...god how I loved it. In fact the overall zaniness of this place with it's colourful atmosphere and wacky arquitectures...it felt like I was dragged into one of those cartoons that Sora loved so much._

 _Dammit can I at least have one inner monologue when I don't think about Sora?_

 _Anyway, of course I wouldn't be able to openly admit that. If anyone asked I'd probably give them a snarky comment about how this place was extremely childish and that it was like a gathering for nerds and weeaboos (I didn't really know what that meant since I didn't speak Japanese). But of course, when you had to spend your life as a protector, as a hero, as a friggin badass, you don't have the luxury to be yourself._

 _Oh Sora (here I go again, thinking about him), how I admire you...you're always being your cute, adorable and cute self. Never worrying about what others thought of him no matter how much everyone judged him. He was always so carefree and happy, like he was completely detached from the world around him, untainted by the curse of growing up._

 _It's why I loved him so much._

 _I mean I'm not one to listen to all that nonsense about the heart, light, friendship, and darkness_ _ **which is the ultimate source of power and will be the undoing of all of humanity under my command and soon all will submit to it!**_

Riku paused, his eyes wide with fear and confusion.

 _...Wait what? Anyway..._

 _Then again I couldn't help but wonder...what actually is a heart? Based on my own personal deductions I think it could be the thing that beats inside someone's chest to keep them alive. But why on earth did it look like an upside down butt? The human anatomy is very strange._

 _Shame that there's no schools on Destiny Islands. I was certainly sheltered from the outside world, all of us were. Always being Kairi's slave. Really, what could drive such a seemingly sweet girl to be so...evil?_

Riku shuddered as he experienced all of those awful memories of Kairi. His only few moments of happiness was when he got to be with Sora, and he was usually busy with those weird computer games and Chinese cartoons.

 _Of course Sora would care more about fictional characters than the people in the real world who actually loved him...it didn't help that he believed that he was one himself. I was the one who kept him alive when Kairi tried killing him for her own amusement (to her slaves were expendable and that killing a few wouldn't make a difference in the long run). And yet I got no appreciation._

 _Maybe Sora didn't care about me after all…_

 _Wow. I really was moping too much. It really wouldn't help my whole tough guy image at all. It's why no one on Destiny Islands knows that my favourite colour is pink._

Ok enough with the inner monologues, it's getting old now.

Riku then smelt a corridor of darkness materialize behind him. He groaned as Maleficent walked out of it. To him Maleficent was far too pathetic to be considered the mistress of all evil. Why would anyone even take her seriously at all? Riku knew that he was the far superior villain. He had an edge and an overall badassery that she simply lacked. Maleficent may have destroyed countless worlds but Riku destroyed his home world without giving a damn.

Then again in Riku's eyes, no matter how much of an epic villain he thought he was, Kairi would always be the most evil creature to ever exist. Which gave Riku all the more reason to hate her more.

"What I do you want?" he asked, clearly showing that he was irritated.

"I want _you_ to behave, you little ingrate."

"You're not my mother, you old hag."

"Trust me, if I were your mother I would have disowned you long ago."

"Are you sure? Cause one look at your ugly face and I would have killed myself."

"I would be delighted if you would!"

"Well I changed my mind! I'd stay alive just to spite you!"

"Well how I about I end your life right now you miserable little swine?!"

" **It's on, ugly!"**

As Maleficent and Riku drew their weapons and were ready to beat each other to death in an epic battle, Squa... _ **Leon**_ intervened.

He jumped off of the roof for dramatic effect, with a perfect and precise landing. He was really starting to get the hang of cosplaying as Squall, it was as if he was actually the real deal.

"Now listen here," he said in a quiet yet commanding tone. "Fighting amongst yourselves is prohibited here."

"But this place is nothing more than a ghost town!" Maleficent argued.

"Well what I say goes. And I say to back off."

"Why you little pest, I'll have you fed to the bloodhounds while being chained up to a-"

"We're sorry sir," Riku interrupted, putting on a look of innocence despite being unable to hide his smugness completely. "It won't happen again, we promise."

Leon growled under his breath. He really wanted to arrest someone today, but he guessed that that wasn't going to be happening. It was only right that he gave this innocent boy and lady (who definitely wasn't suspicious at all) the benefit of the doubt.

"...Fine," he said hesitantly. "But if you act out of line again, I _will_ cut you."

Riku had the desperate urge to give a witty and mocking comeback like "why don't you cut yourself instead, you seem to love doing that" but he repressed it. Instead he put on a fake smile and acted like he wasn't an evil mastermind.

"Understood, sir."

And with that he was gone, which left Maleficent in awe. For once, she was actually proud of her adopted villain...not that she'd ever admit it. The very thought of giving love to another being made her shudder with repulsion.

"Riku...how in the name of me did you do that?"

"It's nothing, really. You just gotta act nice when you're around losers like them so you don't blow your cover. You might want to take notes there, lady," he said cockily, which made Maleficent even angrier.

"I would be careful there, Riku. I don't think Sora would fall for your act very long."

Dammit. Sora. My one weakness…

"Look, I know Sora better than anyone."

"Sora doesn't care about you anymore though," Maleficent taunted.

Riku didn't show it, but her words hit him hard. Based on what he had seen, spying on Sora from behind the scenes, Sora seemed to have forgotten about him completely. Which did upset him since Riku was always there for him, defending him from Kairi, and yet he didn't show any sign of gratitude at all. Not to mention that he was off flirting with creepy cosplayers. Oh how he despised them so.

"Maybe not, but...I have to try and get him back. He's the love of my life," Riku said, breaking out of character by blushing a bright red. Which made Maleficent almost puke.

"Ugh. _Love._ How repulsive."

"Hey you're just mad because no one wants to date your ugly-"

"Enough! Proceed with the plan and find Sora. We must have the Keyblade wielder on our side so that he will not interfere with my glorious plan!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Riku replied, not caring about Maleficent's dumb scheme which was obviously bound to fail anyway.

…

And so, on Riku's quest to find Sora...he had no such luck. He ran into a bunch of strange people on his way though, even weirder than that guy who cosplayed as Squall from FF8. He found another cosplayer too, Aerith from FF7. She looked like the real thing but her voice was...definitely not convincing. And there was a ninja girl who tried sexually assaulting Riku, which he didn't appreciate at all.

To think, Riku didn't even know what Final Fantasy was until these weird cosplayers started hanging out with Sora.

He was way too busy to waste his time with silly computer games. He was way more focused on developing his muscular body. He hoped that one day he would be as attractive as that man who came from another world to visit him one day. He didn't remember that day well and fragments of the experience only came to him when it was convinient to the plot. What was his name? ...Earth? Or was it Te-

Wait.

It was... _him._

Riku couldn't believe his eyes.

Sora was there, in front of him. Although something seemed...off. At first he looked rather depressed, like he just saw a world be destroyed right before his eyes. But once he saw Riku his face immediately lit up and he had the same goofy smile on his face that he always did. Riku smiled too, he was finally seeing Sora again.

 _His_ Sora.

"Riku!" he cried out happily.

And then, the two ran towards each other in slow motion for dramtic effect, like couples do on the beach when they're reunited in movies. Sparkles were all over the screen, and sappy romantic music was playing.

"Riiiiikuuuuuuu!" Sora cried out once again, prolonged by the slow motion of the scene.

"Sooooraaaaaa!" Riku cried out in response.

Riku knew what this slow motion romantic scene meant. They were finally gonna kiss and hold each other like lovers do!

His heart was pounding in his chest. His face became flustered. He swore that he was going to jump around like a fangirl squealing like a dying pig. He felt like such a teenage girl finally getting together with her one true love.

They were getting closer and Riku wanted nothing more than to hold his adorkable future boyfriend in his arms.

 _This was it...Sora's getting closer….he's finally going to touch me in a special way!_

The slow motion ended and the music stopped as the two finally met, and Sora did indeed touch Riku...by playing with his cheeks. Which caused Riku to sweatdrop like they do in the Chinese cartoons.

 _This...this wasn't what I had in mind._

"Hey, hey, cut it out!" said Riku playfully, pushing Sora's hands aside. Yet from his tone he did seem rather dissapointed that there wouldn't be any smooching. Riku's fantasies of them lying together on the beach, holding each other as the sun sets, seemed to be slipping away from him.

Sora then eyed Riku up and down, which made Riku blush again.

"I'm not dreaming this time, right?" Sora asked skeptically as he continued eying him.

 _Wait...Sora dreams about me…?_ Riku thought to himself.

Sora then looked directly at Riku, who seemed to be in a daze. But then, a smile formed on Riku's face, which soothed Sora's heart as well as his own.

 _Maybe...maybe he does still care about me after all. Maybe Maleficent was wrong. Maybe I acted rashly…_

Sora poked Riku to make sure he was alive, but he wasn't really doing anything other than standing there and smiling.

"...Riku?" Sora asked, starting to get a little worried.

For once, Riku decided to take the iniciative and follow the thing that beated in his chest instead of his head. He held Sora close, like they used to do when they were kids. The two boys embraced each others warmth in the heartfelt moment, both of them smiling and blushing like two lovesick goofballs.

Speaking of goofballs, even Dolan and Gooby teared up a little at their reunion, which was odd since they were incapable of feeling anything.

"We're back to together again…" said Sora quietly, relieved that he had finally found his friend again.

"...Yeah," was all Riku could muster.

And so, after what seemed like forever, they separated.

"I'm so glad that you're here Riku!" said Sora happily. "I knew that you would never fall to the darkness...you're such a great guy after all! And you're really brave and strong and huggable and handsome and intelligent and courageous and…"

As Sora went off into a ramble, Riku started to panic inwardly. How would Sora react if he found out he worked for the bad guys? How would he react if he found out that he was the one who destroyed Destiny Islands? Sure he did what he had to do. The only reason he even considered doing those things was that he needed to eliminate Kairi, who was a threat to the universe as well. He even had to hurt Sora that day and go behind his back to do it...but it was all for the greater good.

 _Sometimes you had to hurt the ones you love to save everyone._

But of course Sora seemed to have developed a black and white mindset where good is good and evil is evil. Where darkness is darkness and light is light. One time when Kairi forced the two boys to make a feast for her, Riku made a fruit salad even though he hated fruit. And because Sora didn't like oranges he assumed the entire salad was tainted by darkness and tried to destroy it.

And Kairi was still nowhere to be found...Riku's mission was not done.

But maybe...maybe he didn't need to ally himself with the bad guys anymore. After all, Sora wielded the Keyblade. Sure it was an oversized toy that didn't work as a blade at all, not to mention it was incredibly dumb-looking and must be very impractical to wield even when compared to the weird stuff those cosplayers used as weapons...but it seemed to be important somehow, and had greater significence that one would be led to believe.

After all, the thing was one of a kind, right? It's not like _everyone_ could have one or anything.

"...not to mention that you're so cool and amazing and godlike and mesmerizing and atractive and powerful and hot and I lo-"

Riku silenced Sora's rambling by placing a finger on his lips. He was used to Sora's rambling and constant praise towards Riku back at Destiny Islands, but now was really not the time for it.

"So...what are you up to these days?" Riku asked casually, acting like he hadn't been spying on Sora's actions throughout his adventure at all.

"Riku my journey's been so cool! I've been travelling to Disney worlds and I met Alice in Wonderland and I fought against a lamppost and then a guy called Not Clayton...uhmm...t-that's not important...oh and I have new **FRIENDS**!" he said, pointing towards the two figured who had been standing behind him the whole time, doing nothing.

"Hyuck!" said Gooby, while Dolan's face turned red at the sight of Riku.

"Y-You're a pretty girl…" Dolan muttered while drooling at the sight of Riku's beautiful body.

Riku felt like he was going to be sick.

He felt like he was going to throw up.

Not only because Dolan and Gooby looked completely repulsive, but he felt betrayed too.

It hurt enough that Sora seemed to like Kairi and the cosplayers, but now he's friends with...those?

He would not have it. Sora was is, and _**only**_ his.

Sweat dropped down Riku's forehead and his eyes grew wide with fear.

 _All these people...they're trying to take Sora away from me…_

Why did the world have to present him with so mny obstacles to get to Sora? It was just so unfair. He had to do something, otherwise he could lose Sora forever. And Sora was his whole world, without him he had nothing.

As the fear and panic inside him worsened, he had the strong urge to _**drown the worlds in darkness and extinguish all light from the universe!**_

...Which then immediately passed.

"How about I join you guys?" asked Riku. He couldn't trust Sora with those...things. He needed adult supervision. Then again Sora was over 13 so he technically was an adult, but still.

As soon as Riku asked that all-important question, Sora jumped up and down gleefully like a child who had gotten everything he wanted for Christmas.

"YAAAAAAY! RIKU'S GONNA BE A PARTY MEMBER!" Sora screamed joyfully at the top of his lungs, for no one to hear.

Dolan however was not happy with the current turn of events.

"Hey, there's not enough room on the Gummi Ship!" Dolan complained.

Sora then turned his head to glare directly at Dolan, and told him in a possessed demonic voice that not even Sora was aware he had:

" **You will not take Riku away from me."**

Dolan stepped back in fear, shivering uncontrollably, while Riku tried to hold back his blush but failed.

"Fine! Fine! He can join us, just don't hurt me!"

And with that, Sora went back to his goofy self, and pulled him, Goofy, and Riku into one massive group hug.

"I'm so glad that we're all together again!"

Riku meanwhile was very conflicted with this hug. He was overjoyed at Sora's embrace but repulsed at coming into contact with whatever these two abominations were supposed to be.

 _Oh well...maybe this won't be so bad. If these two act out of line, I can just kill them._

…

 _Meanwhile, at Hollow Bastion..._

Maleficent was pissed. Beyond pissed.

Riku...he betrayed her. He came into her home uninvited, made a fool out of her in front of her allies, and this was how he repayed her?

Maleficent was the most powerful villain in all the worlds, people would shudder at the mere mention of her name. She has conquered hundreds, thousands of worlds. She has spent millenia crafting a villainous empire.

She doesn't get betrayed. _She_ does the betraying.

 _ **Riku...Sora...soon, both of you will fall.**_

 _ **And I, Maleficent, will acquire Kingdom Hearts, and become the most powerful being of all!**_

 _ **All will cower before me!**_

 _ **Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!**_


	14. Episode 14 - Achievement Locked

And so, Riku had finally joined the party. What an unexpected turn of events. The two friends were reunited, but Sora's journey was not yet over. There was still the matter of...that girl to deal with, not to mention the Heartless and the walking potato sack.

But as long as they had the Kiburado and light on their side, surely they would be able to overcome any-

"OOOOOH LOOK RIKU! IT'S A DOOR!"

...Ok maybe not.

Riku stared quizzically at the mysterious door that had a fire symbol on it. Maybe it was just decoration?

"...Well it doesn't have a handle. Are you sure it's a door?"

"This must be the door the guy in my dreams told me about!"

As soon as he heard that, he was ready to either start painting his cheeks red from blushing, or kill everything in sight. Maybe both.

"What...who's in your dreams…?" Riku managed to choke out, gripping his weapon so much that his knuckles turned white. _I swear to **DARKNESS** if it's Cloud then he'll be up in the clouds soon enough…_

Sora turned to Riku, smiling innocently. "It's the floating text!"

Riku was dumbfounded. Even though he's known Sora and his...quirks all his life, this was rather strange even for him.

"Floating...text?"

"Yeah! He talks to me in my dreams, saying that I'm the one to ooooooopen the dooooooor~"

"Well I don't think the...umm...floating text, is referring to this door."

While of this was going on, Dolan and Gooby...eh, who cares what they do, they're useless.

"But it is the symbol of fire! Which _obviously_ represents the burning desire deep within your heart to save those who are close to you!"

"Just like that leaf that fell of the tree represents how the darkness is slowly consuming our world, causing everything we know and love to perish and eventually be forgotten?" Riku teased, smirking a little.

"YES! Exactly!" he exclamed, oblivious to the fact that Riku was just screwing with him.

"I think you need to cast some kind of Fire spell to open it. I could use Dark Fir...I mean, I don't have any Fire spells. What about you?"

Sora simply shook his head.

"Oh Riku...you really must be new to being a main character."

"E-Excuse me…?"

Huh...Riku was never used to being talked down to like this. Usually it was him that was being the jerk. And he didn't like it one bit.

"This is a jrpg Riku! Take it from years of gaming time in-between slavery and not sleeping. In a jrpg, everything is waaaay more convoluted than meets the eye," he said matter-of-factly, shown in his voice and his hand gestures.

"But isn't the simplest solution usually the best one?"

Sora merely chuckled a little at Riku's ignorance, muttering the word "casual" under his breath.

"Nope! We gotta think like a villainous mastermind~"

"And how do we do that?" Riku asked, giving up any and all logic and just playing along with Sora.

Sora began to think really hard, he could tell because he was making his thinking face.

"Simple! First we find a notepad. Then we draw an exact copy of this door, making sure that _every_ detail is accurate. Then we figure out who made the door. Then we travel back in time to the _exact_ point when the door was made. We show the drawing we made of the door to the past version of the door's creator, creating a stable timeloop. Once we go back to the future, we buy fake glasses with a fake nose and a fake mustache and legally change our names to Oras and Kiru. Then, _finally_ , we approach the door's creator future version of the past version with our fake identities, and ask how to open it! It's genius!"

"There's just one problem with that plan."

"What?"

"Neither of us know how to draw."

"...Dammit!"

Sora couldn't help but sulk as his plan was doomed before it even began, which made Riku feel pity for messing with him. After all, he was the light of Riku's life, he would never actually do anything to hurt him. Ever. And so he patted his spiky little head, hoping that the hair wouldn't cut through his skin (seriously how does he get his hair like that?)

"It's ok buddy~" he reassured him with his soothing voice, which succesfully melted Sora. "Do you need a hug?"

Sora simply nodded lightly as Riku held him in his warm embrace. Ah how they used to hug each other like this all the time before they were forced to into Kairi's long hours of servitude. Sora loved him some Riku Hugs™.

"I missed you~" Sora said playfully

Hearing Sora's words sent Riku into a blushing frenzy that he wasn't able to hide no matter how hard he tried. The adorableness factor was only elevated when Riku struggled to answer.

"I...uh...I...ummmm…"

The blushing became even worse as Sora playfully poked him on the noise.

"Awww you're being so cute!"

...That was the turning point. There was no going back now.

Riku started to get a nosebleed and his face was pretty much as red as a tomato, muttering something over and over again along the lines of "oh my god oh my god he called me cute oh my god". Not only that but he ended up on the floor curled into a ball, rocking back and forth.

"Umm...Riku?" asked Sora as he stared at the embarrased messed that was his friend below him.

…

After that incident, Riku and Sora (and Dolan and Gooby I guess) had to find a guy called Cid who was an expert in Gummi Blocks. Riku, of course, was not particularly thrilled. _At all._

"Come on Riku! They're nice enough once you get to know them!"

Riku merely scoffed, remembering what happened with him and Cloud.

"I doubt that. Other people aren't worth getting involved with. All we need is each other."

"But I need to get to other worlds and neither of us know enough about the ship to do it."

Riku frowned, unable to admit that he would indeed need someone's help for that. But he wasn't going to let these people be…"friendly" with him.

"Do you even remember what I told you about stranger danger?"

"Yeah, but these aren't strangers like the ones you've taught me about Riku, they're my friends! And I know that they wouldn't do anything to my body!"

 _Oh Sora, naive and gullible Sora...trust me, people would be lining up to get their hands on that body of yours_ , Riku thought to himself sadly.

Riku finally gave in as they both reached the accessory shop.

"...Fine. Thankfully I'll be here to help you out. Besides, I know how to dispose of dead bodies without being caught."

"What?"

"Hey is this place we're looking for oh yeah it is let's go inside!" said Riku in a rush, trying to change the subject.

…

And so they went inside.

In the shop was a man who was hiding behind the counter, shaking and afraid. He kept rocking back and forth like Riku was earlier, muttering nonscencial words and phrases, hands stuck firmly to the sides of his sweaty head.

"He was Cid...he was Cid...and now you shall sleep…"

Riku instinctively drew his weapon. Clearly this person was not to be trusted.

"Hey Cid!" Sora asked energetically, not noticing that this man was clearly insane. At the mere mention of his name he laughed maniacally. And Sora was still not fazed by any of this at all.

"Ah Cid...how long since I've heard that name…"

"...Why is he on the floor?" Riku asked, feeling like he was the only sane person in the room.

He jumped up and glared at the newcomer, and Riku gripped is Soul Eater tigher, ready to kill. The deranged look in his eyes made even Riku terrified. _How was Sora completely ok with this?_

"Tell me, what is your name? Or rather, which name have you decided to steal today?"

"Umm...my name is Riku."

Riku didn't want to admit it, but...the truth was that Riku was never his real name. His actual name was Rick, but he changed it to Riku because it sounds cooler. Apparently it was the japanese word for land too. Which was fitting because when Kairi landed on Destiny Islands his life became hell.

Sora actually managed to realize that somthing was wrong, intervening before Cid could actually do any harm.

"Calm down Cid! It's ok. He's not one of _them_. He's my friend!"

"Can I trust him?"

"Weeeeell he was probably involved with **DARKNESS!** at one point but he's a good guy now!"

As Sora reassured him, Cid slowly started to return to a sense of normality.

While Riku felt nothing more than tremendous guilt. To think that he actually could have been Sora's enemy as he joined the villains…granted, it was to find Kairi and kill her so all in all it was for the greater good. But he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy being a villain. Maleficent wasn't exactly a pleasure to be with.

"That's good. So you're not one of those identity stealing crooks then."

"Uhhh...no?"

Sora patted Cid on the back with a sad expression on his face.

"It's awful what's happened to him Riku. So many people around the universe have stolen his name, pretending to be the real Cid. And here I thought Squaresoft naming their characters Cid was just for fun, but it turns out that there's a major conspiracy behind it!"

 _Identity theft, huh…?_ Riku thought to himself. _Not sure why they'd steal Cid's name though. It's not even that good of a name. And who were Squaresoft? Were they Heartless?_

"It's true…" said Cid. "I'm not even sure if I'm the real Cid anymore. What if I'm just a clone or a replica of another Cid? What if Cid isn't even my real name?! WHAT IF-"

He started to fall onto the floor, twitching and convulsing madly. While Riku just stood there and watched in fascination, Sora actually tried to help him.

"I AM THE ONE TRUE CID!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

…

After half an hour of trying to calm Cid down, they had finally done what it was that Sora wanted to do, which was...Riku couldn't even remember. Was it something about gum?

"Ok so you did the thing, now can we finally leave this place?" Riku asked, starting to get impatient. He refused to associate with this weird perverted cosplayers any longer. He just wanted to hold Sora in his arms and never let go.

"Nope! First we gotta talk to Leon."

"Ugh, whyyy?" Riku whined as he crossed his arms like a spoiled child. He had enough people interacting for one day, even just one was too much to bare.

"Well he's my friend! Sure he's an NPC, but sometimes it's nice to explore the world a little. To expand your own world!"

"Well my world doesn't need people. I don't like _people_."

"But Riku!" Sora exclaimed, as if Riku just said something forbidden. "If you give up on yourself, you give up on the world."

"Huh? That doesn't even make any sense."

"The point is Riku, the world ends with you. Well technically it ends with me cause I'm the main character. But it really is a wonderful world!"

"...What?"

…

As they both explored the districts, beating up any Heartless who dared confront them, they made it to a passage that was unfortunately blocked by metal bars. Riku couldn't help but sigh as this meant-

"Gasp! Metal bars! What mystery must we solve to open these?!"

"Sora, we don't-"

"Do we need to do a few sidequests? Do we need to find the answer in other worlds? Will time travel be involved? What if-"

"Use the key Sora."

"I beg your pardon?"

Riku sighed again. As much as he found Sora's general cluelessness adorable, even he had limits.

"The Keyblade. Use the Keyblade!"

"What's a Keyblade?"

Ok even for Sora this was a bit much. How could he not know what a Keyblade was when he's been wielding one this whole journey?

"Your key shaped weapon, Sora. Use that."

"But I thought it was called a...eh, never mind."

He did as Riku instructed, pointing his key at the metal bars. Concentrating all his might into the tip of the blade, he unleashed his **ULTRA MEGA KEY LASER OF OPENING AND CLOSENING!**

And so the closened gate became opened, and Sora couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't use that laser in his battles. Because seriously it was a friggin' laser. It would have been so cool.

"I did it Riku! I did it!" Sora cheered. Riku chose not to point out that he was the one who helped Sora do it.

…

And so they both went underground, it was a green-ish cave full of water. What would anyone even be doing here? And how could the people who apparently have this as their base enter it with those bars that seal the place off? Why am I asking so many questions?

After swimming their way to a patch of ground (Sora, despite not being athletic, was an excellent swimmer. Maybe it was the shoes), they finally found Sora's friend. He was Squa- I mean, Leon. Riku had met him when he first arrived at Traverse Town. And he didn't like him at all. He didn't know much about Final Fantasy or it's characters, but he had to admit that Leon was very, VERY attractive. Just the thought of Sora abandoning him and running off with Leon made him feel sick to his stomach.

But he wasn't alone. There was a girl there too standing next to him, with a long pink dress and strange hair. Riku wasn't sure whether to be cautious of her too, after all Kairi was the only girl that him and Sora knew on the island.

However, her mere presence made Sora's eyes wide with shock. He just...stood there, looking up and down at her from head to toe.

"...Aerith," Sora managed to choke out, his voice naturally higher than usual.

The girl who Sora dubbed Aerith looked confused, but then she realized Sora's confusion and chuckled a little.

"No, I'm not Aerith. I just dress as her. My real name is-"

 **"YOU'RE ALIVE!"** Sora cried out in bliss, rivers of tears streaming down his face. "I-It's really you! I thought Sephiroth had killed you, but you're still **ALIVE!"**

"Aerith" backed away slightly, a little concerned for the boy. Even if Leon had told him about Sora, she still didn't think he'd react like **_this._** Leon just watched and RIku, who had never played FFVII, was really confused.

Sora immediately embraced Aerith, holding her closely as tears of joy kept streaming down his face. She tried breaking free but his love was too powerful to outmatch, despite his weak and frail body.

"I-I was so hurt when I thought you died...I-I missed you s-so much...but you're back now!" Sora muttered in-between sobs. "A-And now w-we'll never be apart a-again. Ever!"

"Umm...Leon," Aerith mumbled over Sora's cries. "He won't let go of me."

"Ok, that's enough kid. Let go of the nice lady," asked Leon authoritatively.

"But she's **ALIVE!"** Sora cried out once again.

Riku still didn't really understand the context, but nonetheless he was consumed by darkness...I mean jealousy. Negative thoughts started spiralling in his head, would Sora even care if he died? Or did he care more about his beloved fictional characters? Was death the only way to get his attention?

"You know... _I_ almost died too, not long ago," Riku exaggerated in a bid to get Sora's attention, as Leon had to resort to separating Sora and Aerith himself, struggling to do so. "This was this hooded old guy that almost tried to kill me. He looked like a walking potato sack or something, and he was pretty dangerous. I barely made it out of there alive."

Sora didn't hear any of what Riku was saying because he was too busy being grabbed by Leon as he kept trying to separate them.

"Hey, is anyone even **listening** to me?" Riku asked irritably as Leon was still trying to control Sora, who was still sobbing and clinging onto Aerith for dear life. As for Riku, he just crossed his arms in frustration. "Ok, yeah, fine, I see how it is. Fine, just ignore me then. I get it, not like I'm supposed to _matter_ or anything."

Leon had gotten to a point where he had just had enough of this shit.

"For Etro's sake could you _please_ angst later and **_help me?!_** " huffed Leon as he tried with all his might to control Sora.

Wait a minute...Riku realized...that by doing this...he would be... ** _touching_** Sora…

The thought was too much to handle for him, his cheeks became a dark red from all the unintentional blushing. And then he got a nosebleed, and fainted.

Leon just sighed.

 _Seriously, where are these kids parents?_ he thought to himself.

…

As Sora finally calmed down and Riku regained consciousness, Leon had sat the two mentally unstable and potentially dangerous children down. He didn't want to scold them or hurt their feelings, but he had to discipline them. Sora didn't take it well when Leon was yelling at them for a good ten minutes.

"A-Are you mad at us?" Sora muttered, sounding like he was about to burst into tears.

"I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."

Those words definitely managed to kick Sora in the gut, while Riku just didn't care in the slightest, and hated the fact that he was being treated like a child. It was times like this that made him glad his parents were dead. Meanwhile Sora finally broke down, holding Leon tightly as he sobbed like he did back with Aerith. One has to wonder how Sora even has any tears left at this point.

"We're soooorryyyyyy!" Sora cried out. "We promise we won't misbehave again, right Riku?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Please forgive us! We'll be good, we promise!" he wailed. Leon, who had had enough, was close to just rendering him unconscious, but he chose to repress that urge. He had lived in a ghost town protecting the last few citizens from evil creatures of darkness, he really needed all the help he could get.

"If you let go of me, then you're forgiven."

Sora's mood took an extreme turn, he instantly became his happy go lucky self again.

"Hooray! Now we're all friends again!" Sora cheered.

It seemed Sora's optimism was contagious, because soon enough even Riku and Leon, two people who were always acting as badass as they could, let themselves go for a moment and ended up smiling and laughing along with Sora. Until Leon ended up patting Sora on his spiky head of hair.

Big mistake.

 **"HANDS OFF!"** Riku shouted threatingly at the top of his lungs.

Sora jumped at Riku's outburst, his eyes fixated on Riku, who was shaking uncontrollably with sweat dripping from his face. Leon just stared at Riku with a blank expression. Riku felt a strong urge to draw out his weapon and kill Leon right there and then...but he managed to repress it.

Once Riku realized that what he did was questionable, he tried to calm down as he gazed at the floor, feeling genuine remorse. Leon did seem to be innocent after all...maybe he had judged him too harshly at first.

"I'm sorry."

The mood went from happy to awkward almost immediately. Sora wasn't really sure what to think.

Leon was the first to break the silence.

"Anyway...I have an important message for you, Sora."

"A m-message?" Sora asked, still a little shaken from what happened.

"Yeah. The King sent me a letter."

...Somewhere, wherever they were, Dolan and Gooby started running around panicking like madmen, and they didn't even know why.

"The King?"

"Yes. He's not happy. Then again it's hard to tell with him."

"What does it say?"

Leon looked around in his pockets and found a scrunched up letter, when he read it's contents out loud to Sora and Riku, he frowned a little.

 _"SORA YOU *bleep* *bleep*, WHAT THE *bleep* IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ALL THE WORLDS ARE BEING *bleep* DESTROYED, YOU *bleep*. HOW THE *bleep* AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLOIT THEIR CITIZENS TO MAKE MONEY NOW, HUH?! I'VE WORKED TOO HARD IN CONQUERING THE *bleep* UNIVERSE TO LET MY EMPIRE GO DOWN LIKE THIS YOU *bleep**bleep*!_

 _I SWEAR TO SATAN WHY ARE ALL YOU *bleep* KEY WIELDING *bleep* SO *bleep* DUMB._

 _FAIL ME AGAIN AND I'LL *bleep* YOU UP SO HARD, I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR *bleep* INNARDS AND SELL THEM TO *bleep* CHILDREN._

 _ALSO ANSEM IS THE BAD GUY SO BEAT HIM UP OR SOMETHING._

 _I DON'T *bleep* CARE._

 _King Mickey"_

Sora and Riku were rather taken aback from the angry letter. Especially Riku after hearing a certain name being mentioned…

"What's with all the censors?" Sora asked, remembering when Kairi swearing was also always censored.

"Well this is the Disney universe, no one other the King himself is allowed to swear," said Leon informatively. "Apparently, their products have to be accesible for people of all ages."

"All ages huh?" Riku grimaced. "Well the worlds are being ripped apart, creatures from the depths of hell, who eat the hearts of their victims, are invading the universe. Not to mention that the humour has no subtlety or finesse whatsover and relies only on fourth wall breaking and reusing the same jokes over and over again, which barely worked the first time anyway."

 **"I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER OF A JRPG!"** Sora screamed at the top of his lungs, waving his arms in his air like a madman.

"See what I mean?"

Ok now this is getting off topic. Back to the plot! (If you can call it that).

"Sora, I thought you were supposed to be saving the worlds. And yet they're all still being destroyed by the Heartless. What have you even been doing this entire time?."

Sora frowned at Leon's accusations. Who was he, a lowly NPC, to talk to Sora in that way?!

"It's not my fault! It's not like any of us can do anything about it, we're all just fictional characters going through the motions."

"Don't give me that excuse Sora. Why haven't you been sealing the Keyholes like I told you to?"

Sora was incredibly confused once Leon had said that. Throughout his journey no one ever told him about any "Keyhole". Riku was also rather suspicious cause he had never heard of them either. Then again villains aren't neccesarilly reliable sources of information.

"What's a Keyhole?" Sora asked.

"I told you about them ages ago!" Leon replied bitterly. "You need to find the Keyhole of each world and lock it so that the Heartless won't be able to destroy that world. Isn't that what you've been doing throughout your journey?"

...

It was at that moment that Sora's world started to crash down on him.

 _Dammit...how could I forget about something so important like that...? Maybe because he told me offscreen? Oh god...now because of me...Deep Jungle...and the other worlds...oh god..._

This was all Sora's fault. It was thanks to him that Deep Jungle was destroyed. It was thanks to him that many others would surely be destroyed soon.

How could he oversee something as big as this? Maybe he went on too many side-quests and forgot what his main objective even was...what had he even accomplished when he went to those three worlds? Everyone there was surely still suffering, and one of which didn't even exist anymore…

And then Sora remembered something that made him feel physically sick.

 ** _Destiny Islands._**

Surely that was gone by now too...he couldn't save it. Riku may have been safe from the darkness now, but back then...he couldn't do anything. And what became of Kairi?

Some main character he was.

He was useless.

Pathetic.

He's come this far and accomplished... ** _nothing._**

Sora tried his best to fake a smile and put on an act of happiness to hide the fact that he was currently dying inside.

 **"OF COURSE** I've been locking all the Keyholes!" he exclaimed cheerily.

 _That's a lie._

"I was just joking around, what friends always do! **HAHAHAHAHA!** "

 _This isn't funny._

"And I **TOTALLY** didn't let a world get destroyed or anything! **TOOOOTALLY!"**

 _Yes you did._

Both Riku and Leon knew that something was definitely up with Sora's behaviour, but there was no time to say anything as he dragged Riku away from Leon forcefully. Despite his weak and frail body, Riku couldn't escape from Sora's iron firm grip.

"H-Hey!" Leon cried out. _...Ah well. Maybe it's best if I just leave them be. I can't keep babysitting them all the time._

…

The two ended up in the alleyway, and Sora would keep on running nonstop, with Riku barely managing to keep up.

"S-Sora! Where are we going?" asked Riku.

With a big grin plastered on his face, he summoned his oversized key and was ready to fight.

 **"COME ON RIKU, LET'S GO SEAL THE KEYHOLES!"** he cheered joyfully to his friend. Riku didn't notice since he was behind him, but a tear ran down Sora's cheek.

He, the great protagonist Sora, would surely triumph...at failing his quest.


	15. Episode 15 - May the Darkness Shine Down

As Sora kept running through the streets, Riku ended up panting and he had to stop and take a break. Seriously, how did Sora suddenly become way faster than him? Usually when Sora ran he only lasted a few seconds before he passed out. The church bell at the top of the Second District started ringing three whole times for the whole town to hear, which was definitely effective in making the current scene more dramatic than it already was.

"What are you waiting for Riku, we gotta find the Keyhole!"

Riku finally managed to catch up and grab Sora's hand, stopping him in his tracks.

"Sora! Please, just...calm down!"

"But Riku we gotta find the-"

"Look...what we need to…" he said in between breaths, trying to regain his energy. "We can't just run off in random directions hoping to find the answer. We need to relax and just...think for a while about what we're supposed to do."

"But running aimlessly has always worked for me so far...wait, actually…" Sora's voice began to change from his usual gleeful tone to a sad one. "Yeah, you might be right..."

Riku could tell something was troubling him. They were like soul mates, their hearts connected since they first met. Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.

"Sora, if something's troubling you, then we can talk about it."

Riku's comforting words managed to get through to Sora, and he started smiling a little. Not like the fake smiles from before, it was a genuine smile which made Riku's heart melt.

"R-Really?"

Riku patted him on the back. For once he had to break his tough guy facade and let the caring instincts in him take over, even if part of him didn't really want to.

"Yeah. There's nothing wrong with hiding your emotions and just being yourself."

"T-Thanks…"

Both of them sat down on a bench, gazing up at the stars. They both silently chose to ignore the fact that multiple stars were going out one by one.

"So, what's troubling you Sora?"

For Riku this was pretty strange. For the first time in a long time, Sora was...nervous. He was usually so confident, at least that's what he seemed to be on the outside. Not even when Kairi was giving them a hard time, he was still strong. This seemed like his moment of weakness. But then again, with Riku breaking out of his persona, maybe it was a moment of weakness for him too?

"Well...if I tell you, do you promise not to judge?"

 _Oh god...is he going to tell me that he loves someone else? I knew it, he loves someone else doesn't he. I guess I really am not good enough for him._

"I promise I won't," Riku lied.

"I'm glad…" said Sora, trembling a little from nervousness. "Well you see...about the Keyholes...I-"

...And suddenly, warping through time and space, Dolan and Gooby appeared!

They both fell from the heavens onto Sora, making all of them collapse unto the ground. Riku was not pleased.

But Sora was, he immediately jumped up to greet his two good friends, hugging them and cuddling them affectionately which successfully made Riku green with envy.

"Dolan, Gooby! You're back!" Sora cheered. "Where have you been?"

" **We've been on an adventure!"** Dolan quacked, his happiness being extremely out of character.

"Hyuck, he's right! We found a bunch of dat gold stuff that you spend stuff on!"

"And we saved a bunch of worlds from the forces of darkness!"

"And I helped my son graduate from college, hyuck!"

"And we discovered the meaning of _loooooove~_ "

As soon as Dolan said that, hearts started to float around him, and a heart was even beating in each eye like they do in anime. _Wow, how does he even do that?_ Sora thought to himself.

"That sounds so awesome guys! I'm glad you had such a fun time off screen!" said Sora as he continued to embrace his two best friends.

Riku had had enough of people getting in the way of him and Sora. He was finally going to give them a piece of his mind.

"Hmph, you both did all of that, and yet you're both still useless. What a shame," Riku mocked.

Sora gasped at RIku's sudden sass, his hands covering his mouth and everything.

"Riku! Those are things we think, but don't say!"

"Well someone had to say it, they're just a liability that do nothing but hold you back. Especially Dolan. Yeah, thanks for the heal Dolan! Oh right, you're didn't, cause you're already dead."

Dolan was _pissed._

"Hey! I was once a powerful mage back when I had _hands!_ " he quipped. "And if it wasn't for your... _gorgeous_ hair and your beautiful... _ **beautiful**_ pants…wait. What were we talking about again?"

"Hyuck, don't ya see Riku? We're memes! We're supposed to be useless, it fits our character."

Riku then walked up to Dolan and poked him lightly on his belly. Then Dolan died.

"Tell me then, are these "memes" supposed to die that easily?"

"Hyuck, you'd be surprised!"

"...Wow. You really are pathetic."

Gooby then ended up staring at the ground, feeling sorry for himself.

"Well dat's true, hyuck."

Sora crossed his arms and looked towards Riku judgingly. RIku wasn't used to this at all, so he wasn't sure how to react.

"Aren't you being a little mean Riku?"

"Me? I'm being realistic. If we're gonna find this Keyhole, we're gonna have to leave them behind."

"Hyuck, but we need dat key that Sora has! ...I think. Come to think of it, I'm not even why we're doing all dis."

"STOP! There's no need for us to fight like this! **We're friends!"** said Sora in the hopes of calming everyone down. Starting one of his long and boring friendship speeches, the American flag appeared behind him, along with the national anthem being played in the background.

" _We may not have any idea what we're doing! We may have no one to help us through this! We may have failed in everything we've ever done so far! We may not have any hope in stopping the bad guys! We may not be able to stop the Heartless invasion! We may not be able to defeat Ansem...umm...whoever that is! We may not-"_

"How long does dis go on for?" Gooby whispered quietly to Riku as Sora continued his loud and obnoxious speech.

"Three hours...if we're lucky."

" _-know how to restore the worlds that have fallen! We become Heartless ourselves somehow! We-"_

…

 _ **Six hours later…**_

...

" _We may accidentally trigger a glitch! We may forget to save before turning the game off! We may get amnesia and live the rest of our lives as chickens! BUT I KNOW ONE THING! I KNOW THAT TOGETHER, AS_ _ **FRIENDS**_ _, WE WILL…"_

There was a moment of silence.

"Hyuck, what were you gonna say there Sora?"

The background and music that was blurting out from nowhere dissappeared.

"I...I don't remember," he said, an anime sweat drop dripping from his face. Which then made Riku, Dolan and Gooby have weird purple lines on the top of their heads, and chibi versions of themselves fell onto the floor with a comical sound effect as they did so...it would be way better if you could actually see it for yourself, but sadly you'll just have to read about it.

"So basically, we have no way to win?" said Riku cynically.

"...Yeah. Pretty much," Sora admitted. He was never one to give up, but even he had to admit that they really were lost.

"Does anyone know what we should do?" asked Riku to his three comrades.

"I have an idea!"

"If it's about pants, then we don't want to hear it Dolan."

"How about we ask Leon?" Sora asked earnestly.

 _Ugh, it's always with him and his cosplaying_ _ **freaks**_ _isn't it?_ Riku thought to himself bitterly.

"No. They'll be more of a hindrance to us than anything. The only people we need are each other."

Dolan and Gooby's faces immediately lit up with excitement.

"...I meant just me and Sora," Riku added matter-of-factly. The two started sulking at being left out, awwwing in dissapointment.

"Well I can't think of any other way," said Sora. "If only we had some kind of deus ex machina that would conviniently show up and lead us to the Keyhole. But what's the chances of that happening?"

...There was another moment of silence. The three watched as Sora tapped his foot on the ground impatiently, looking up at the sky.

"I said...if only we had some kind of deus ex machina to help us!"

...There was still nothing but silence.

"Sora, what are you-"

"Shhhh, it should be coming any minute now," Sora whispered. "Anyway, *ahem*...I SAID! IF ONLY WE HAVE SOME KIND OF DEUS EX MACHINA TO HELP US!"

"Sora I don't-"

" **DID SOMEONE SAY DEUS EX MACHINA?!"**

Suddenly, warping through time and space, Guard Armor appeared! He landed perfectly on the ground, causing a loud thud to echo through the Second District.

The four instinctively drew their weapons, ready to fight. The Guard Armor however, did not attack.

" **MY BRETHEREN. I AM NOT HERE TO FIGHT. I COME IN PEACE."**

"Yeah right! You're a Heartless!" Sora replied. "You don't even have _hearts_!"

" **MY ANATOMY IS OF NO CONCERN. WE MUST BOTH FIND THE KEYHOLE."**

"Why would we help you find it? You're a Heartless! You probably want to find it so that you can find the heart of this world and destroy it! Just like you did with Deep Jungle!" Sora accused angrily.

" **I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONCERNS. BUT I AM ON YOUR SIDE."**

"But you're a Heartless! The ones with the Darksides!"

"Hyuck! Sora, I think we should listen to what he has to say."

" **THANK YOU, BIPEDAL DOG. YOU TRULY ARE THE WISEST OF YOUR KIND."**

"Hey what about me?!" Dolan inquired.

" **ANYWAY. YOU MUST KNOW THAT I SEEK NOTHING MORE THAN TO ASSIST THE HEROES OF LIGHT. YOU SEE…"**

Sad music began to play. Tears of Light (I think that's what it's called) from BBS would probably be fitting for it but we haven't gotten that far yet.

" **MY FELLOW LAMPPOSTS HAD GUIDED CIVILIANS TO THE LIGHT WITHIN THE DARKNESS FOR CENTURIES. HOWEVER. PEOPLE BEGAN TO ABUSE THAT LIGHT, AND THEY ALL FOUGHT IN A WAR TO CLAIM IT FOR THEMSELVES. MANY CHILDREN FOUGHT IN THIS BLOODY WAR, AND THE LAMPPOSTS DEVELOPED A HATRED TOWARDS HUMANITY. A WALKING POTATO SACK HAD CONVINCED THEM TO TURN TO THE DARKNESS-"**

" **DARKNESS!"** Sora was obligated to cry out.

" **YES. THE DARKNESS. WE CONFIDE IN THE DARKNESS AND YET WE DO NOT TRULY UNDERSTAND IT."**

"I always thought it was just a bunch of purple stuff that did bad things," said Sora.

Riku began to sweat from fear a little, shaking uncontrollably as he remembered what happened that night...

"Me too...not that I've ever had any contact with the darkness or anything...nope, not at all! Never had I once done that," Riku had lied. Everyone, even Sora, had found Riku's actions a little strange, but they didn't have time to focus on that/

" **THEY HAVE LOST SIGHT OF THE WAY. THAT IS WHY I MUST GUIDE ALL THE LAMPPOSTS TO THE LIGHT."**

Sora frowned, still not convinced.

"I can't trust you."

" **I ASSURE YOU THAT MY INTENTIONS ARE TRUE."**

The rage deep inside him started to awaken, and he clenched his fist. Riku started to notice that something was wrong, not sure what to do.

"But like I said, you're nothing but a servant of the dark. You're in no position to guide anyone to the ight when you're already stuck in the darkness your self," Sora muttered dangerously, his chilling tone sending shivers down everyone's spine.

Even the lamppost wasn't sure how to react to this sudden change in Sora's behaviour.

" **B-BUT, MY FUNCTION WAS TO ALWAYS GUIDE PEOPLE TO-"**

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!" Sora screamed suddenly at the Guard Armor, which made everyone silent for a moment. Riku desperately wanted to try and calm Sora down, but he was too afraid to even approach him. He was literally scary, it was like some kind of hellish entity had possessed him.

Flashes of images from what happened at Deep Jungle flew through Sora's troubled mind, and they were enough to set him off his edge. _After what they did...after what the forces of darkness did...they don't deserve forgiveness._

Sora had failed to save the worlds not just once, but multiple times, and he was not about to let that happen again.

Sora looked down at the ground, twitching a little, his eyes were bloodshot and from the looks of it he was ready to start mass genocide.

"Now you listen to me...you're a Heartless. You lost your heart to the darkness. Why should we help **you?!** The darkness is **EVIL**. It has hurt so many people, destroyed so many worlds, anyone who **EVER** succumbs to it deserve nothing more than to be executed where they stand, slowly and painfully. Not one of it's pathetic little servants deserve **ANY** kind of redemption for what they've done. They brought up upon themselves. And, I, Sora, will make sure to destroy every last bit of darkness that's left in this game world! And you...you're just one of the many stepping stones I need to take to achieve that goal."

The lamppost actually began trembling, stepping back a little to get away from this dangerous key wielding boy.

" **S-STEP BACK. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT YOU!"**

Sora grimaced, letting out a chuckle. His eyes couldn't be seen from the dark shadow that covered them.

"Oh...what a shame...because I want to hurt **you**."

...It was a massacre.

His three friends had to cover their eyes so that they wouldn't be able to see the horrors in front of them. Sora had completely _**demolished**_ him, whacking at him without mercy and offering it no chance to fight back. It let out horrifying and garbled screams of pain as it was being stripped down to a pile of wires and rubble.

" _ **%2 &*&$!Y2*(^$)(!#+!" **_was it's final scream of pain before it had shut down completely. It was now, for all intents and purposes, dead. Sora glared at it's shattered remains, panting from all the destruction he had caused. A smirk of satisfaction appeared on it's face.

"Guide yourself to hell, bastard," were Sora's final words to his foe.

Riku slowly advanced towards Sora, reaching out to him. But he had to be careful, his mind was plagued with fear. What if Sora found out about his experiences with the darkness and turned on him? What if Sora never forgave him? Based on that display, he doubted that Sora would be pleased…

He refused to be Sora's enemy, he refused to ever fight him, even if it meant saving the universe. No matter what, he would make sure that they would stay together against all odds. Because he loved Sora. Yet, at the same time, he was terrified of him.

"Sora...I…" Riku rasped, feeling anxious and unsure of what to say to him. He didn't know if he could bare to look at Sora's face, right now Sora's back was all he could see. "D-Do you need to t-talk about anything?" Riku stammered, his voice shaky. "Because...well..y-you know I'm here for you and-"

"SORA! COME QUICK! WE FOUND IT!"

Both Sora and Riku turned out at Dolan and Gooby's simultaneous cry. And once they did, they were shocked at what they saw.

They had found the Keyhole.

Well, Dolan and Gooby had.

"Gawrsh, the Keyhole must have been behind us all along!"

"And you think the _oh so great_ Riku would have noticed by now," said Dolan, sighing. "Wow. She really is useless, am I right?" he added snarily, pointing at Riku.

Sora wasn't even paying attention to the insults hurled at his best friend best anymore. His eyes twinkled and his mouth was agape as he slowly advanced towards it, completely bedazzled by all the pretty lights.

"It's...it's beautiful..."

He started kneeling down and praising like it was the messiah.

"Oh great Keyhole, finally you have bestowed your presence onto us. You are worthy, we are not."

"I think you're supposed to lock it Sora."

"But wait...how do I do that Riku?"

"Oh I don't know...maybe with _your Keyblade?_ "

"My what? ...Oh right." Sora chuckled a little as a sweat drop went down his face. "I like calling it Kiburado better. Sounds more Japanese."

"Well whatever you call it, you should probably use it now."

"Ok!"

After a minute long demonstration of epic anime sword weilding poses, he pointed his Keyblade directly at the Keyhole and started charging his super powerful laser attack.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" was his battle cry. "BY THE POWER OFLIGHT, I SUMMON FORTH, THE SUPER DUPER LASER OF OPENING AND CLOSENING!"

And so, a giant beam of light erupted from his oversized key. It's blast could be heard all the way to the heavens, the reverb given to Sora's battle cry enhancing the epicness even further, not to mention the epic orchestral music playing in the background. Choirs going all out until their throats were sore, the pounding brass, the driving percussion, all of it was way too much for the PS2 to handle. It was a breathtaking moment of pure ecstacy, the spectacle was mindblowing.

Dolan and Gooby were unimpressed.

"Is he done?" Dolan whispered impatiently.

As the orchestral music had finally reached it's massive crescendo, the sscene had ended and the Keyhole was locked.

Sora sighed in relief as his duty had been done.

"Well, that's that!"

Riku, for once, beamed with happiness as the world was saved.

"We did it," he said calmly.

Sora wrapped Riku's shoulders around his arms, nudging him playfully.

"Yeah we did! And we wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the power of friendship!"

"Hey!" shouted Dolan. "Riku didn't even do anything! Why is she even here?!"

"Well, with all due respect Dolan...at least he can actually fight."

"...Touché."

…

And so, the four idiots decided to rest up for a bit before moving onto the next world. To do this, they broke into a hotel through the windows, and since no one was currently residing there, Sora officially declared that this would be "The Super Mega Fun Hotel of Epicness and Wonderness". That's the thing with video games, they live by the law of finders keepers losers weepers. Once you find something you want, you just take it or die trying.

Dolan and Gooby slept together in one room, while Sora and Riku slept in the other. In the same bed.

And to all you yaoi loving people out there, no they (unfortunately) didn't do anything. Sleeping together was a common occurence for them anyway, being enslaved together by a heartless bitch really made them closer somehow. Sometimes both of them would cry themselves to sleep and wipe each others tears off. It was cute, yet really depressing.

As they were both about to drift off to sleep under the covers, Riku figured that this would be the perfect time to confront Sora about that...incident.

He gently nudged Sora, who slowly opened his eyes and yawned loudly. Like Kairi always said, Sora was a lazy bum. And if he ever slept on the job he recieved some whipping from her. Somehow, this made Sora sleep even more than usual…

"Shuddup you ur not mah mom," Sora slurred groggily as he started to wake up. Once he was fully awake, he was finally aware of his surroundings. "...Riku? Why did you wake me up?"

"Sorry about that...I just wanted to talk you about something."

"Sure, what is it?"

"It's just t-that…" said Riku, stammering once again. _Dammit not now! This is important!_

"Yeah?"

"W-Well...I j-just...I've been worried about you."

"Why? The game has been pretty easy so far. This isn't Proud Mode."

Riku was once again taken aback, having no idea what Sora was talking about.

"Well, anyway...I mean...today y-you were acting...pretty depressed."

"Wha? I'm always happy, that's part of my character. And it's not like any of this is real anyway, so it doesn't matter."

Ok now Riku was even more confused, and even more worried about Sora's wellbeing at this point.

"It's just...when you were fighting against that Heartless...y-you were-"

"-I don't want to talk about it," Sora snapped, the aggressive tone in his voice that's usually absent from his voice surprising Riku a lot.

"Well...ok…"

Even Sora realized his sudden change in attitude, so he gave Riku a reassuring smile, yet there was still a hint of sadness.

"I'm fine. Really...I just don't feel like talking about it. Besides, we should get some rest. We have a long day ahead of us."

As much as Riku hated to admit it, Sora was right.

"...Good night, Sora."

"Good night Riku."

And so Sora immediately fell asleep, but Riku couldn't no matter how hard he tried. He tossed and turned and nothing was working. _Maybe I just need to go out for a bit...I'm sure Sora won't mind. It's not like he'll wake up anyway, he's such a hopeless sleepy head._

…

Riku was sat on the rooftops of Traverse Town, enjoying the gorgeous view. He didn't want to admit it to anyone but he was a little sad to leave this world...he really would miss this place. But not as much as he would miss Sora...if the two were to ever lose their way, and become enemies.

"Ahhh Riku, it has been a while."

Riku shuddered as he heard that familiar voice. He decided to show up once again, huh?

"Enjoying the darkness too I see?"

He frowned as soon as that word was mentioned. Once he turned around, he was face to face once again with the hooded figure, the walking potato sack. He had been gone for a quite a while...or maybe he had never left.

" _...Ansem."_


	16. Episode 16 - Hidden Truths

"Yes, it is I...ANSEM! THE SEEKER OF DAR-"

"-What are you doing here Ansem."

"...Well that was rude."

"I'm not known for my manners. Now shut up and tell me why you're here."

"You tell me to shut up while you ask me questions, demanding an answer. Do you understand nothing about how interrogations work?"

Riku, who had had enough of Ansem's crap, summoned his Soul Eater and got into his battle pose.

"Oh yeah? Well you won't understand your **FACE** once I'm done with it!" he cried.

Ansem merely chuckled, not threatened at all by his words.

"I have no body. I am just a heart."

Wait...Ansem was just a heart? This raised a lot of questions that Riku's mind was too limited to answer. Where was his body? Why did he look like a walking potato sack? Did Riku have a walking potato sack inside his chest?

"Well that's...umm…"

"I had a body once. One much like yours…" Ansem reminisced, remembering his glory days. ...Sadly the amnesia made it hard to actually remember stuff. "Oh you should have seen me back in the day Riku. A well toned and muscular body, a gorgeous tan, long silver hair that flew in the wind...I was truly magnificent."

"Well you look pretty pathetic now. What happened?"

"I sacrificed it so I could BECOME ONE WITH DARKNESS!"

"And how's that working out for you?"

Ansem placed his sleeve on his chin, trying to remember what his life was like before he became a walking potato sack.

"Well...I lost my body, my loyal subjects, my home, and my reports. But they no longer matter because now I have something much greater."

"Let me guess...darkness?"

" **NO!** IT IS IN FACT...wait, yes, it is darkness."

"What's even so great about darkness anyway?" Riku asked skeptically, not convinced by Ansem's delusional ramblings.

Ansem began to cackle madly in his deep, sexy voice. Riku of course wasn't intimidated, he's been dealing with Kairi doing the same thing for so long that he's used to maniacal laugher.

"I am so glad you asked, boy! Darkness is the essence of all worlds and all things! It is the source of unlimited power! It is the meaning of life itself! Screw love and money, it is **DARKNESS!** that makes the universe go round! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DARKNESS, DARKNESS, DAAAAAARKNEEEEEEEESS!"

"Do you have any proof to support that theory?"

"HAHAHAHAHAAAA! Foolish cretin! I have studied the science of darkology for years! I have made several scientific breakthroughts that have changed the way that society views our universe! I am ALL KNOWING, ALL SEEING, ALL POWERFUL! If anyone in our universe was to understand the true essence of darkness, it would be me! ANSEM! THE SEEKER OF DAR-"

"Ok then, what really _is_ darkness? Since I'm obviously such an idiot, could you please explain it to me in a way I could understand?"

"I KNOW, WITHOUT A DOUBT, THAT DARKNESS IS...umm...darkness is…"

Riku finally started to pay attention once he heard Ansem stammering.

"Darkness...is…"

A smug smile started to appear on Riku's face as he watched the poor potato sack struggle.

"...umm...the source of all power?"

"-That doesn't answer my question."

"...It...umm...darkness...is dark?"

"I guess you just haven't been enlightened yet. What a shame," Riku mocked.

"...SHUT UP I KNOW THIS! It's...umm...purple stuff?"

"...Years of studying the darkness and that's all you got. _Purple stuff._ That's the smartest thing that's come out of your mouth since we first met."

"YOU FOOL! YOU SIMPLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT DARKNESS TRULY ENCOMPASSES. And I shouldn't have to tell you, it's too advanced for your feeble mind."

"Well ok, what does it actually _do_?"

Ansem was once again clueless.

"It...um...it...it does...umm…"

"Yes?"

"It destroys stuff!"

"Wow, I definitely couldn't have figured that out."

"It is also used to possess people and strip them of their free will."

"...Well I have to admit, that is actually pretty intriguing," Riku said, mostly to himself. And as soon as he did he tried to get the temptation of taking Sora's body out of his head.

Ansem was also thinking to himself. What if... _he_ was the one who understood nothing? What if _he_ was in fact the one who was ignorant? What if _he_ ended up being betrayed by his own knowledge and ambition? ...Nah that would never happen.

"Hmm...prehaps we should see darkness as a metaphor for evil."

"Wait, I thought you were supposed to be a scientist who worked in one of those long white lab coats and all that. Not a philosopher," said Riku, who was questioning Ansem's credibility even more.

"Darkness cannot be explained by something as inferior and meaningless as SCIENCE or PHILOSOPHY! Darkness can only be explained with DARKNESS!"

"...So you're not a scientist?"

"I AM ANSEM! THE SEEKER OF DAR-"

"So no."

"STOP INTERRUPTING ME!"

Changing the subject and trying to hold back his anger, Ansem pointed at him with his handless sleeves.

"You also have the potential to become a Seeker of Darkness, you know. After all, you are quite the villainous character."

"Ok ok, so I killed my parents. But in my defense, they were trying to kill me first!"

"That's not what I meant. I have been watching you interact with that cute little league of villains. You seemed to fit right in."

"Hey, I am **not** evil. I'm basically a rival or stereotypical antihero. Like that kid who goes "smell ya later!" that Sora always talks about, probably one of his imaginary friends."

"Oh really? Well I think there's one other important detail that you're missing out on."

"What would that be?"

"...You are the one who destroyed your own home."

…

 _ **Several episodes ago…**_

Riku was pissed. Riku was beyond pissed. How could Sora not want to give him that fruit? He was sitting in the secret place, hiding from Kairi and her tyranny. As he looked at the carving made by Sora of him and Kairi on the wall, he almost gagged. What does Sora even see in her? She's literally the devil on earth. Wait, no, even the devil would be scared of her.

Not to mention that she's insanely powerful, no one has ever been able to mach up to her. She ruled over all the islands, with everyone has her slaves collecting items like mushrooms and logs and fish and such.

And she had the poor delusional Sora wrapped around her little finger. He punched the carving as hard as he could, but all that did was hurt his hand.

Tears started to swell up in his eyes, both from pain and sadness.

 _Dammit...dammit!_

"What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get rid of Kairi?" he asked himself, expecting no answer.

"Riku…" a deep and ominous yet sexy voice called out from behind.

"How am I supposed to have Sora all to myself?" he asked once again desperately.

"Riiiiikuuuu…"

"Oh if only there was someone to help me do what I couldn't!" he cried out.

"RIKU! Behind you!"

A startled Riku turned around and saw the mysterious hooded figure.

"W-Who are you?"

"You may not know me Riku. But I know _very_ well. I have been watching you. Waiting for you…"

"You know that's not a very good way to introduce yourself," said Riku snarkily.

"In that case, let me introduce myself properly! My name is ANSEM! THE SEEKER OF DARKNESS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"...Yeah. You seem like a _very_ trustworthy fellow. I'm feeling generous today, so I'll let you tell me what you want before I refuse your offer and beat you up."

"This is not a matter of what I want...it is a matter of what you want. You wish for freedom?"

"Well...yes," said Riku. Prehaps he shouldn't be so quick to kill him just yet…

"You wish to end Kairi's life?"

"I thought you already knew that."

"Very well, I'll make this short. I can help you achieve all of that."

"What do I need to do then?"

Ansem let out a quiet evil chuckle, one which totally wasn't suspicious at all.

"You must submit to the darkness."

There was a moment of silence. One which was broken by Riku's laughter, which cerainly wasn't amusing for poor old Ansem.

"You sound exactly like Sora! He always said nonsence like that too! Except when he does it it's cute and endearing."

Ansem frowned. Well...he would have done, if he actually had a face, and he wasn't just a heart covered in a potato sack.

"The darkness is no laughing matter, Riku. It is a source of great power that is capable of wondourous things. To unlock it, you must OPEN YOUR HEART, SUBMIT, SUCCUMB TO IT, LET IT CONSUME YOU!"

Riku was still trying to hold back his laughter, what kind of comedian was this? Ah well, he might as well humour this kid who was obviously just messing with him. After all, you don't get muchfun and games in a life of slave labour.

"Yeah, sure, how do I open my heart or whatever?"

Ansem then slowly started to waddle towards Riku, excited to finally show his secondary obsession the way of the darkness.

"Allow me to do the honours, boy~"

He placed his hand on Riku's heart, which at first gave Riku the urge to stab Ansem repeatedly, but then he managed to calm down. It was like...all his fears and worries were completely melting away. Almost like...like his mind and self were opening the doors to something else, something that would take him over completely.

It felt so exhilerating. As soon as he felt the darkness flow through him, he felt a rush that he really couldn't describe. He hadn't felt such a high state of being since he killed his parents in cold blood.

"It feels good, doesn't it?" Ansem whispered seductively.

"Y-Yes...it feels so good…" Riku moaned back, unable to control himself anymore as the indescrible nirvana continued to overtake him.

A dark aura began to envelop Riku, giving him a tingly feeling all over, and he adored it.

But then it stopped, and the darkness within Riku began to leave his body, or maybe it just went back into his heart, I don't know. I mean come on, how am I supposed to know how darkness works?

"W-Why did you stop?" Riku asked, desperate for more of Ansem's cold yet desirable touch.

"Your initiation is complete."

After that ther was a moment of silence. While embracing the darkness was certainly inticing...nothing has really happened bcause of it so far.

"So...what happens now?"

"Wait a moment…"

And then suddenly, the mysterious door with no handle opened, an earthquake devastated the island, and menacing choirs started to play in the background.

"There we go."

As both of them casually walked out to see the sights of destruction, they gazed up at the dark vortex above them. Riku cerainly found the scene to be fun to watch, as all the residents of the island were either being sucked into the void or mutilated by dark, menacing creatures.

"The door has opened. Now, you can be free."

"But what about Sora?"

In response, Ansem merely scoffed at Riku's ignorance.

"You don't need him. He does not understand THE MAGNIFICENCE THAT IS DARKNESS! IT'S BEAUTY CANNOT BE COMPREHENDED BY THAT TINY BRAIN OF HIS!" he yelled, starting another one of his monologues.

"I'm not leaving without Sora!"

"Nonsense! Forget about him. You have _me_ now."

"Oh yeah? Well I don't need you! Me and Sora will defeat Kairi on our own!"

"MWAHAHAHAHA! YOU FOOLISH HANDSOME ADOLESCENT! WITH ME AT YOUR SIDE, ALL OF YOUR WISHES WILL COME TRUE! ALL OF YOUR DESIRES WILL BECOME A REALITY! I, ANSEM, WILL ASSURE YOU OF THAT!"

It was at that moment that Riku realized something. He didn't need unlimited power, or to stab people, or his collection of Sora's old clothes so that he could still experience the pleasures of Sora's scent.

What he needed was Sora, because his love for Sora was what drove him, it's what made him want to kill people, it's what made him stay alive each and every day.

That, and his intense hatred towards Kairi.

He wasn't sure which was stronger: his love for Sora, or his hatred for Kairi, but he knew that they were both pretty damn strong.

"Well I don't need you for that. Thanks for helping me destroy this dump anyway, I guess. Now I just need to find and kill Kairi, then live out the rest of my life with Sora as my beautiful princess like in those Disney movies he loves so much. Hopefully he won't be mad once he found I used the darkness to destroy this place, but eh, I'm sure he'll understand."

"IF YOU LEAVE ME, I WILL INTRODUCE TO A WORLD OF PAIN! A WORLD WHERE NO ONE WILL HEAR YOU SCREAM BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL BE CONSUMED BY DARKNESS! I WILL-"

Riku was already gone. He was standing like a statue at the small island where the paopu fruit grew, staring ominously gazing at the dark void above, hoping that Sora would eventually reach him and come with him to go knows where in the outside world.

Even Riku himself had to admit, he wasn't very good at planning.

Ansem was not happy. As he watched Sora run away from the Shadows in fear he cursed vengance onto him from behind the bushes, swearing that he would get rid of him so that he could have Riku all to himself.

...Yeah Ansem wasn't exactly good at planning either, but he wouldn't admit that.

"SOMEDAY, SORA!" Ansem yelled as loudly as he could while still hiding away, as he tried to make sure Sora wouldn't notice him. "SOMEDAY, I WILL END YOU! I WILL INTRODUCE YOU TO THE DARKEST OF DARKNESS, AND THEN YOU WILL FADE INTO OBSCURITY FOREVER! ...See what I did there? Yeah I really liked that pun, that was a good one. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Of course, Sora didn't notice Ansem's loud cries of anger and evil laughter which could be heard all over the islands, because the author hadn't thought of this scene yet when he wrote that episode long ago.

The end. Roll credits!

…

 _ **And now, for the thrilling conclusion...**_

" _You left me…"_ Ansem muttered, his voice full of bitterness and resentment. "I had given you everything you ever wanted, and THIS is how you repay me?!"

Riku just shrugged, not really caring about any of this.

"Huh. I guess I am evil."

"...So you admit that you're a villain? Interesting…"

If Ansem actually had a face, he'd be smirking so much right now. Now it was his turn to get under Riku's skin.

"Tell me, how would Sora react knowing that you're a villain at heart? How will he react when he realizes how dark your heart _really_ is?"

It worked. Riku completely lost his cool demeanour, and from the looks of it he was deep in worry. He kept stammering, unable to get the words.

"W-Well...h-he...he'll understand…"

"You don't sound so sure."

"SHUT UP! H-He...umm…"

Ansem couldn't hold himself back anymore, he enjoyed tormenting Riku like this far too much.

"Do you really think your cute little adolescent romance can last forever? This is not a Disney movie where a true loves kiss can reverse the damage that's been done. The sins you have committed are yours to bear. This was your own doing."

"IT WAS FOR THE GREATER GOOD!" he screamed as loudly as he could, which made even Ansem jump a little. "I...I did it...for a good cause…"

"Yet you have achieved nothing. You have killed innocent people, Kairi is still out there, and Sora is now even more mentally damaged. All these mistakes, are ones that you have made because you have refused me."

As Ansem was telling him of all the blunders he had caused, Riku couldn't help but wonder...what if Ansem was right? What if Riku was making a mistake by following his heart? Would Ansem really be able to help his dilemma? He needed the darkness to be strong enough to end Kairi's life. And yet, if Sora found out that he used the darkness for whatever reason, Sora would hate him forever, maybe even try to kill him…

But what could Ansem even do? He hardly seemed like a trustworthy..umm...heart, especially with his unhealthy obsession towards darkness. But Riku couldn't deny that Ansem did keep his word that Riku would be able to free, even if his wish had negative reprecussions later.

Ansem could tell that Riku was in doubt, so he knew that this was perfect time to finally ask that all important question that was crucial to his evil darkness-related plans.

"So then Riku... _will you join me?"_ he asked, extending his sleeve to him.

Riku sighed, he honestly had no energy to give him a witty comeback.

"...I'll think about it. Goodbye."

And with that, Riku walked away, going back to the hotel where he was sleeping. He kept reminding himself to lock the doors and windows so that Ansem wouldn't break in at night and watch him sleep.

"Wait...Riku...come back…" Ansem whispered to no one, even though Riku was pretty much long gone at this point. "I love you...but not nearly as much as I love DARKNESS! BECAUSE DARKNESS IS...umm...it's...PURPLE! YES, THAT'S IT! PURPLE AND **DANGEROUS!** MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!"

Clearly Ansem's one year study of darkology has taught him so much.

 **A/N: Because love triangles make everything better.**


End file.
